A
female
age
51-59,
*ompletely shocked!
writes: Please give me some advice. My husband and I have been happily married for eight years . We are very close we talk about everything we have a great relationship our sex life is great. In fact I usually want to have sex more than once a week and would three times a week if he wanted to. He's often states is not interested in sex. I'm a very attractive woman not to be modest and and try to be sexy and look good all of the time. I would do anything in the bed he wants. Our sex life is awesome and he always make sure every time we have sex that I'm completely satisfied as I do him. Our marriage I could say no more about it was awesome. Then it happen. Six months ago he got laid off from his job and he had to turn in his work phone in and get up a phone on our plan with me. during the six months it was also our marriage was great I would go to work every day Monday through Friday 8 to 5 and he would stay home and run errands if we need to do while he was at home supposedly looking for a job I left in the morning to go to 8 o'clock and I left them laying in the bed naked under the covers where we were sleeping. A week ago I decided to buy a new iPhone. In my set up of the new iPhone and in the process I accidentally synced our phones up while at work and phone calls that were coming to me showed up on his phone and he called me in a panic and when I said oh I will I was sitting here at work getting the phone set up he freaked out and called AT and T to get it swapped back. A few days later I happen to be looking at my new phone and went to the phone section and clicked over to where it said blocked because I wanted to block a number and when the blocked section opened it displayed over 250 blocked calls. They were not from my brand-new phone they transferred from his. I googled almost everyone of those numbers it took me days at work. They were escort services I would say about 75% of them were local escorts. I went home I pretended like there was nothing wrong. While I was taking care of him and supporting him at work in a loving relationship he was at home calling escorts from the moment I left him laying in bed to go to work until I got home according to the phone records that I downloaded the entire six months from the first day he got the phone until last week he was calling escorts 10 minutes after I left the door making calls every 3-5 minutes. Dozen of Calls that were 1 min. attempts all day long he would talk to me at lunch and then make calls 1 min and had several 2-15 minutes calls and text messages back-and-forth to to local escorts all day long every single day Monday through Friday while I was at work. I even saw on the phone records where he had call waiting where he would get a beep in from an escort I was talking to me on my lunch break. There were also a lot of picture video text. The video data was very large at those times. Picture video messages sent. He never wanted to watch lporn even with me. Said it didn't interest him. i turned it on for about two minutes and he wanted me to turn it off.I completely had no idea. He didn't even want to ever watch porn with me would always say he's not interested in fact he would always say how uninterested he was for sex he said I just have a low sex drive I'll have six to make you happy and I think you're sexy and hot and I'll have sex with you and I want to sometimes I got done I'm in the mood and sometimes not I just have a lower sex drive the new and I'm not interested in porn so I was you can imagine my surprise when I found out what he was doing. I knew I had to confront him and it devastated me to know that I had to divorce him but I love him so much I looked all through the phone records trying to make sense of all the days and all the things that he did all those calls over and over repeated calls one number one number one number one after the other and texts. If it would've only been one or two calls for like a minute and he would've told me that he just looked out of curiosity any so I need to look at the pictures anyway sorry I could forgive them. But to know that he called and actually spoke to day in and day out and text the day in and day out for six months. He claims that he never had sex with anybody he claims he never met anybody but it's hard for for me to believe that the amount of calls and Texting I saw over a six-month period did not lead to at least one encounter. And even if he was we didn't have very much money he still had many opportunities to get 20 $30 at a time and put it back he had a lot of time on his hands and would tell me he was out running errands while I was at work I don't know I'm just shocked. He never left his phone it was always by his side and home 24 seven it was always in his pocket to the bathroom to the mail everywhere. It's odd he will he wanted me to know how much I could trust him that I had his email password and Facebook password and said I could check it in anytime he loves you'd never do anything to hurt me. So I had to figure out a way to confront him and I was very nervous because I knew that it would be a life-changing event once he knew I knew. So when I was ready when you got into the shower I grabbed his phone and had my phone in his hand and I immediately opened it up to the phone blocked call section and I showed him and I said what is all this he grabbed his phone and he said it's nothing it's cars I'm calling about I want to buy and I said no it's not let me see your phone and he wouldn't give it to me and it was acting really nervous. I said I know all about that of those numbers they're all escorts and then it was out so I cried and we sat down and he is completely admitted it he admitted. You live for a while until I until he just broke.But he said he never slept with anybody. I just can't find it myself to believe it so I told him I've got to get a divorce that I love them with all my heart but that I have to have a divorce hiim. He betrayed me and he lied to me and I didn't want to do it I have to do it. He took advantage of my love and I wan even making all the money for us. As he was packing his things and leaving I had a lot of questions I asked him to tell me why any any did actually say it just kind of turned him on keep that secret. I talked to him a few days later and I asked him why couldn't he just stop before I found out and he said I don't know I just couldn't.
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at work, divorce, escort, facebook, in the mood, money, not interested in sex, period, porn, sex drive, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2015): Since you seem to really love this guy, you could talk through your problems with a couples therapist. Yes, he lied to you. Perhaps you can get over it with help? A good man is hard to find!
And for the record, I am a married guy, and while I have never called or texted an escort (nor seen one!), I do like to read their ads.
Anyway, best of luck!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 November 2015):
 Shocked: Following his lay-off, your previously-terrific hubby got a chance to do what most guys will do with unregimented time.... they (we) use it to chase OTHER girls (our wife or Girlfriend, notwithstanding).....
Unfortunately, that leaves you with only two alternatives....
1. Tell him to get a job - get out of the house - and NEVER exhibit this betrayal... EVER... again, or,
2. Tell him that you aren't going to put up with his B/S any longer.... so your marriage is over.... and he needs to find a new address....
Aren't guys interesting????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Completely shocked! +, writes (21 November 2015):
Completely shocked! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease someone give me feedback. I'm in emotional agony
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (20 November 2015):
Crumbs this is a very long and chaotic request for advice! It shows to me what an awful effect this is having on you....and from what you have written in not surprised.
I'm really sad for you, and you must hurt so much right now.
Only you know if you are in any way able to continue anything with your husband.....but I think most people would find all you have described something they are able to move past...i certainly couldn't. He's lied, he's self serving, he's not wanted much sex with you despite your high drive and attraction to him yet has been doing this behind your back whilst you work your arse off to provide for you both! How dare he! Be strong through this- thus man has behaved appallingly. Good luck to you
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A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (20 November 2015):
 Hi,
I feel and understand the pain you are going through right now. If every person in the world simply understood his or her duties and carried just the most basic of them properly, the world would be an extremely beautiful place.
There is a Sanskrit saying - "Udhyogam purusha lakshanam" - To work, is the character of a man. It is indeed a very bad sign that your husband did not find a new job, assuming that his physical health has been good during this time.
Since we must also look at ourselves in such situations, even though it is hard and unappealing, you need to sit down and introspect and ask yourself if you were emotionally unavailable to your husband. But going by what you've written, I don't think that is the case. That said, it is hard for us to catch our own mistakes, we need a close, trustworthy, upright person to advise us impartially sometimes. We have two eyes that can see the entire universe, but we need a mirror to look at ourselves. Please ask someone you trust a lot, and who expects nothing from you, and who loves you, what his/her perception of you is regarding your general sense of giving and receiving.
One more thing - during such times, you may feel a need to discuss your issues multiple times. Please be careful not to talk to more than a couple of extremely trustworthy people. Please be careful to be loving towards yourself, and put only loving thoughts in your mind. It can do well without painful thoughts right now. What you think, you become, so think very positive starting right now - because you deserve the best and you have given the relationship your loyalty and you will get good times in return for that - you must remind yourself that when one door closes, another opens. Ensure that you are open for it to reach you, ok? The fortitude you engender through your troubled times will help you immensely in life.
As for your husband and the marriage - enough. It ended for reasons your husband chose to hide from you. It is painful to say this, but some people are not made for each other. Some people are not communicative or honest. You value those qualities, and you respectfully valued his privacy too, you valued him, and earned for him, didn't expect him to earn for you. You even took great care of your body and beauty for him. I don't know of a woman who has all these qualities. Men search and search and fail to find women like you. These are beautiful qualities that you have, so value them more now. It will help you find someone who does too.
Remember from now on, a few things. A relationship can only thrive between equals. True identification of equality is possible only by immense sacrifice. A healthy relationship is one in which both grow selflessly. Love is giving, and you must be the first to receive your love. You must be last to receive your desire.
You sound like a superb person, and a wonderful woman. I pray for your happiness and fortitude during these hard times, but please remind yourself that these are passing clouds. Occupy yourself in volunteering activities that help the needy, in whatever way you can. It gives great strength and hope in doing so. I am absolutely sure that you will find the right man who will enrich your life, and I am sure that soon you will discover that you are so beautiful and capable that you enrich your life and others' too, like a flower that gives honey to the bee. One lucky bee for sure.
Best Regards,
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