A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Shouldn't my friend have invited me to a mutual friend's party?Our mutual friend and I had some misunderstandings about a party she was holding, she asked me and my boyfriend to come over to what I thought was a couples date, and my boyfriend was going away so I told her this weekend wouldn't work. A couple days later this other friend and I were hanging out, and she asked me what I was up to on Saturday. I told her I'd be home alone, and wasn't sure what would happen in the evening. Then the weekend comes, and on Saturday evening I call my friend, and hear a lot of people in the background. Turns out my friend was at our mutual friends party! I wasn't aware there was a party (as mentioned at the beginning, I thought it was an invite to a couples date). I was hurt that my friend hadn't invited me along, as I know our mutual friend would have wanted me there (I even called the mutual friend after so I know this was a misunderstanding). My friend then said "I don't know why you weren't invited, that's between you and -insert name of mutual friend-"I am actually hurt by this... Because I would have invited her along, if the shoe was on the other foot. Our mutual friend and me had a misunderstanding, but this friend of mine didn't know that, and just assumed I wasn't invited. Or assumed that it wouldn't have been okay to bring me along? I want to add, as a last piece of information, that my friend only knows our mutual friend because I invited her with me and introduced them.So my question is: was my friend right in assuming I wasn't invited, so didn't even mention to me that she was going? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 April 2015):
 Yes, I think your friend was right to PRESUME there was a reason you hadn't been invited.
And I DO think it's a bit of a misunderstanding or mis-communication that happened, NOT that the mutual friend didn't WANT you there.
It MIGHT have started out as a couples "date" and when the people she TRIED to invite couldn't make it, it turned into a party.. Not really all that strange.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. I guess if it was any other friend I would not have reacted this way, but like the second poster said, there are other things that makes me doubt this friend. She has just never invited me along to any of her plans, or to meet any of her friends. But shes even invited herself to my family parties. Ive always welcomed her and included her. So this was just, yet again, a time where she didnt think to ask me to come along. I feel as if she is trying to steal my friends. Silly, but shes been hanging out with our mutual friend without me, right from the beginning. Whenever I get invited along to something, and I know of a friend who might be interested in coming along, I invite them. Being left out by her hurts, and especially when it includes a friend that was mine first, if that makes sense.
I just feel she reaps the benefits of being my friend, but never returns any favors. Ive gotten quite fed up with her the last years, so I guess that explains my negative response.
Oh, and I did call the hostess (mutual friend) right after, and was invited to come. I didnt go because I was not in a mood to face my friend and no in a party mood at all. I feel its time to end this friendship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2015): I've been in a similar situation where, for reasons that I still do not know about, I was not invited to a particular party by someone I'd just had over at mine for dinner and who said she'd had a great time. My best friend went and said she had no idea why I hadn't been invited. It's difficult not to feel "betrayed" by the friend who DID get invited but who seems unconcerned about your feelings.I felt like this about my best friend. Maybe it's childish, but it hurt me because in my case there was no misunderstanding - I just wasn't invited and, to this day, I don't know why. It put a strain on my relationship with my best friend, things haven't felt the same since. It's a bit like the friend being "double agent".In your case I guess it's slightly different because you WERE invited but misunderstood the nature of the party. Your friend went to the party thinking you hadn't been invited but you had. But what I don't understand is why, when you found out she was at the party and it was a different kind of party to what you thought - why didn't you just ask to speak to the host quickly and say that you'd like to come along as you'd misunderstood what was going on? And yes, thinking about it, it would have been nice if your friend could have maybe done this for you ie. quickly grabbed the host and explained and said you'd like to come.But the thing is, increasingly these days and in friendships as well, people simply stick to their own business when things get tricky. And, in a way, it might be best and more adult. I mean, imagine if your friend had turned against the mutual friend because she believed you weren't invited. then she would have ended up falling out with the mutual friend purely based on a misunderstanding and misplaced loyalty. My conclusion in regard to my own response was that I needed to grow up. But I also realised there were OTHER reasons why I did not trust my best friend as much as I thought and these impacted onto why I responded as I did when she went along to this party that I wasn't invited to. SO (to complicate matters!) whilst I would not expect a friend to stay away from something if I wasn't invited, I would listen closely to myself if I got upset about something that she did - it might be that there's already a doubt in place about the friend and the friendship and the responses coming up are a way of telling you something's not right for other reasons.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 April 2015):
 I think the whole situation sounds like a big misunderstanding.
If I had to guess, friend #2 assumed when talking to you BEFORE the party that you had also been invited, because you are friends with the host, and that you would attend if you wanted to. So there would have been no reason to repeat the invite to you. Even you saying you weren't doing anything Saturday could reasonably have been interpreted as you having gotten the invite but not being all that interested in going - still no reason for her to turn around and ask, "are you SURE you don't want to go to this party with me?"
She'd then have had to assume (AFTER going to the party and seeing you weren't there and then hearing later that you would have liked to go had you known about it) that you weren't invited, because you didn't actually attend. The most obvious reason (to her) for your absence from an event that, in retrospect, would have interested you... would be that you hadn't gotten an invite.
It takes a pretty convoluted set of guesswork for a third person to figure out that the reason that you did not attend your mutual friend's party was that you DID get an invite but confused it with a couples date.
So no, I don't think your friend did anything wrong, and I don't think her probable train of thought on this should offend you.
Hope this helps. Best wishes!
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