A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Over 30 years ago I met a man who became my first love. Cutting a very long story short, we met through music. In the 80's he got a break and was signed to a major label. Our relationship suffered due to other women and the fact that my life was at a low.I met up with him about 15 years ago and he was no longer signed and he mentioned that he was now ready for a child. By this time I had already had 2 by someone else but had split up. It was not just that he wanted a child, but he said he did not want a relationship. I felt disgusted that he could even have said that to me. I distanced myself from him and later got into another relationship and had a third child.(I am a professional independent women)My ex was very special to me and he has reentered my life again after many years of not speaking. I told him how he made me feel when he made that remark. I really can not understand what's wrong with him in relation to commitment. We had and still have very strong chemistry hence why I am posting this.Reflecting on what I know about his life, he seems very lonely, has no children nor an exclusive other. Seems to be happy plodding along as he is. Although I feel this deep loneliness in his life but he seems terrified of commitment. I often ask myself whether having a child with him would have made us all those years ago. We have dated a few times recently but I plan to keep him just as a friend. He realises that I have a family. We are both in our 50's now.When I spoke to him about his comment he looked rather taken back that I took offence at it. He said he would have maintained the child. I would have needed him to be there all the time in a committed relationship. I had previously been messed around but my older children's father but did not tell him all the details.Has any one else been in this dilemma? I have no plans of having any more children but just have a sense of regret as deep down I still have feelings for this guy.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 He said he would have maintained the child.
Perhaps I'm looking a bit too far into his comment but it does suggest to me that not only was he not then capable of being committed to you but would not of been that invested in a child either. Cars need maintaining, not children. As a parent of 3 yourself some years later, know there is more to children than baseline maintenance. If this were his attitude back then as it is now, I think that it may have left you resentful and perhaps even alone raising a child on your own rather than together in a family type relationship. Life can be full of regret but I don't think that his choices in life should be one of yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): Thank you both for your comments. I feel I did the right thing. When he spoke to me about having a child together, I did feel like the chosen one, considering he still has none. However, I feel we would have probably ended up fighting due to lack of commitment so at least he respected me enough to be honest.I will always be his friend but without the benefits.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 I don't think it's something worth entertaining any more. That decision was made and the ship sailed.
He had (without doubt) other women in his life whom he could have fathered a child with if it was THAT important to him.
Obviously, the episode (him asking to make a baby but not raise it with you) made you see all those years ago that he wasn't looking for a mate, a life partner, but for someone to to assist him in "spreading his seeds" with.
I think for this guy, independence with NO real commitment is the choice HE made. And yes, that means that he now doesn't HAVE a child or family.
And I think the guy you feel in love with isn't this guy you wanted him to be.
Regrets on this issue is, to be blunt, pointless. YOU can not change the past, so I'd say stop looking over your shoulder, but look to the here and now and the future. Regrets is useless.
You two just DIDN'T happen the way that YOU would have wanted it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (11 January 2016):
 Don't look back. I believe that everyone makes the best decisions they can at the time. Sometimes they work out and other times not. No-one sets out to make a bad decision although they can look that way in hindsight.
Your first love wanted a rock-and-roll lifestyle, and saved you from the pain of knowing there were other women and perhaps a degree of debauchery (wild guess).
So. where do you see this going now? You say you will keep him as a friend. Are you wondering whether you can fill the loneliness you imagine in him?
You are now both different to how you were back then. You need to look realistically at what HE is and what YOU want.
You tell us you are an independent woman. Keep control of your life. Independence is hard won and precious.
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