A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles,I had a bad split with a guy for basically seeing another woman while we were on a short 'break'. I know he was free to see whoever he wanted - but I kind of got jealous and told people he was a bit of 'player' for moving on so quick.As a result - he fell out with me because of what I'd said and now ignores me. My girlfriends at the time said it was cause he couldn't handle the truth - but looking back was it my fault for being jealous in the first place?I'd like to apologise to him - but am not sure who is in the right or wrong here? What should I do?
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, molliejay  +, writes (6 July 2015):
 Hi there,I understand your confusion. I agree that you had every right to get jealous, because that's exactly how I would feel too. But if you both agreed to go on a break than there is no reason for him not to date. A lot of people try to move on as quickly as possible to get over heartbreak and try to forget about the other person (you). You clearly said that to your friends because you were angry and tried to sound like you didn't care. But by doing that you have made matters were.You need to deal with these problems, rather than running from them. Either move on, or sit and mope about what's happened. He may be ignoring you as its easier for him and is just being stubborn. If you do get back into a relationship, you will still need to talk about the problems you've both experienced or they will never go away, just get worse.Take care,Mollie Jayx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): Yes Abella - some wise words there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (6 July 2015):
 You were feeling very hurt and finding out he'd gone on a date made you angry. You made that remark in haste. Your girlfriends sided with you and you felt justified in saying those words at the time.
That's what can happen when people are hurt and angry. Jealousy just made you more angry and hurt and justified why you flung that accusation at him.
Perhaps you wanted to hurt him to match how hurt you were feeling at the time. You can probably recall how very upset you were feeling at the time.
One date with one girl while on a break does not constitute a player. So he was angry with you for saying that.
However that a break was needed suggested some simmering tension and trust issues already.
That he dated could have been a one-off date that one of his friends organized if he told his friends that he was on a break.
Guy friends are very important to guys. They often have fierce loyalty towards each other, and if one is hurting the others will close ranks and do what they think is best for their friend, including fixing him up with a date.
When there are trust issues then the other party is likely to not feel very forgiving in any instance.
If you had been getting along well he might have laughed off the assertion that ''he's a player'', knowing that he's not a player and realizing that you lashed out as you were hurt.
He lashed out right back as he knew he was not a player and felt aggrieved at your remark. The remark targeted his reputation. Perhaps he is proud of himself for not being a player.
And he was no longer feeling very attached to you, so he cut you off completely.
If the bonds between the two of you were much stronger he might have been more willing to forgive the remark.
Perhaps he was looking for an even bigger excuse to justify breaking up and your words helped him to justify his position of choosing to break up.
You dropped a brick, don't try to pick it up. The damage has already been done.
I don't think an apology is going to alter much for him.
Words once said are hard to recall and a careless remark, perceived as mean or unjust by the receiver, is remembered
If you had been the girl for him, in his eyes, then he might have forgiven your jealous reaction.
Sometimes losing a guy we think is ''the one'' results in doors opening to other opportunities and we then find the guy who is really ''THE ONE'
This was a relationship that was not meant to be.
Jealousy will often derail a relationship so perhaps work on how to deal with situations, where you might, in the future, be tempted to react. Meaning situations that could give rise to feelings of jealousy, in the future
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 July 2015):
 Let it go. This rally isn't about who's FAULT it was.
If you two had set NO rules our boundaries while on "break" he was indeed free to see whomever he liked. You feeling jealous that he started seeing someone else is also pretty normal, specially if you were expecting to get back together after the "break" was over.
You both sound like you got some growing up to do.
My advice to you? Accept that HE wasn't "it" for you. Someone who will "replace" you in a heartbeat is not very invested IN you. So just let him go. And stop wondering if you should apologize. I'm sure HE isn't wondering if he should apologize for moving on so quickly....
It's OK that he wants no contact. He is now an ex. There is no need to be "friends" or in contact with an ex. Move on.
Taking a BREAK from a relationship means the relationship is in trouble. A break fixes nothing. If there are issues or trouble, you NEED to face that head on and TALK through the issues, DEAL with the issues.. not run from them by taking a "break". Because the SAME issues are going to BE there after that break.
...............................
|
