A
female
age
41-50,
*izel
writes:I met the man of my dreams last year December.We clicked,had chemistry,were both divorced,he has two girls,11 and 9,I have two boys,12 and 8.He's amazing with kids and he's a excellent father.We got engaged a month later,moved in together two months after that and everything went wow.The sex was and still is fantastic.He wanted to take care of me and my boys,his girls and got along great and my boys loved him!Then he started to change.It was terrible.I just couldn't do anything right.He was horrible.About two months ago he had a terrible car accident and in this mess,it all came out,he was having a affair with his ex wife,who lived with her boyfriend.I was devastated.He lied to me so much,but his ex wife told me about everything.Their secret meetings,the sex they had in our house,how he was going to leave me for her and the whole engagement thing was just a big joke..I landed in hospital too because of a bleeding stomach ulcer.I just could not handle all of it.I told him I'd stick by him till he was ok to carry on on his own but then it was over.He begged me to forgive him and told me the only reason why he ever thought of going back was because of his kids.He was married to her for thirteen years,and was only divorced for six months when we met.I'm still with him and I'm trying to work things through,but I'm finding it hard to handle how stupid I was not to see the signs.I'm paranoid and scared.CAN THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK EVER AGAIN?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): So are you saying that part of the time or the entire time, he was dating/romancing you and suggesting you both start a new life together...he was having sex with his ex wife? This is not a 'normal, healthy' man, hun. He lied to you the entire time. What is that telling you about his character? I call that manipulation and people who manipulate others like this are the worst kind. They lack a conscience. Good healthy relationships are best to be built on a foundation of honesty and trustworthiness, right out of the starting gate. . I think you know this, because your paranoia and scared feelings are 'alarm bells ' going off inside you. telling you something is horridly wrong, when you feel this way. Respect those inner intuitive messages. Nothing and nobody has your courage and power to do what you need to do. It will hurt like hell, but drop this guy because you deserved to be treated better than this, didn't you. It sounds like you wanted to believe in him and all his supposedly, good traits, and you wanted to believe what he tells you. And I am hearing in your posting, that you want too still care and love him irregardless of what he did. That's not smart, nor rational, dear. He's a liabiltiy now-he's proven it. When you don't accept reality and not engage your head, you hear takes ovwer and all is blurred. Don't deny and ignore what he did and if you do, then I will state to you..that if you can't walk away then .this man is not keeping you miserable--you are doing that to yourself. I suggest you move on, heal recover and straighten out. And when you do all that healing and it's done...keep your self-respect and choose wisely next time. Life is hard, it's the pits somedays, but we walk away from pain a strong more courageous person. You need to find that courage-you need to hang onto your self-respect. . My heart is with you...take care and I am sorry this man did this to you. (hugs)
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 He went to his ex because he still had an emotional attachment to her. If that emotional attachment continues to be there, sooner than later he will go back to her... again. It is very tricky for you to find out his true feelings (he will try to say he doesn't love her anymore because he feels for you) but you need to really find out the truth (which could also be he doesn't want to go back to her even if he still has some feelings for her).
You don't say how much time you've been with him? Which would be a big factor for me as love grows and develops (rather than the initial infatuation stage).
If it was me I would stay away and let him wonder alone for a while. If he comes back after a period of being apart then I might give him a chance and start all over. I usually don't have a lot of patience with these situations as I think there is a big chance for someone to get hurt and in this situation that is you. On the other hand, I have friends who have been patient with them and it has payed off. This is your call!
Think of your children... it is good to have a father figure but it is not good to see their mom suffering so much over a guy. There are a lot of trees in the forest!
Best of lucks!
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