A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I really like this guy at my school, but he is a going out with a friend, of mine right. I reassured him that I don't mind being just friends and that I wouldn't dare interfere with his relationship because I care about him and I care about the person he is going out with. However, it is hard because I do like him a lot and he gave me hope(I am guessing to not hurt my feelings) for a future 'us'.You know?Now, because of the false hope and my ever growing feelings for him, I have decided to try and distance myself from him so that I could clear my head up. I stopped texting him as much as I used to and I haven't been approaching him at school as much, almost ignoring him a little.But this did not work for long because soon after maing my decision I realized that 'distance' was not what I needed to work on, it was self-esteem, because I distance myself from him for negative reasons and not positive reasons. I did not part from him positively like "There are other fish in the sea!" It was more like "He'll never like me, he didn't mean it when he said 'in the future' so I should just give up,"So, I went and invited him to a get together with friends at the movie theatre. I invited the person he is going out with to come but she said she doesn't like scary movies. Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't invite this guy to make anything happen, I just wanted to go as friends because that's what we are.Also, I do not feel like I have to distance myself from him in order to deal with my feelings for him, they may not go away for a long time unless he mistreats me. There are things called self esteem and self control that I need to learn and this is my way of teaching myself. I don't want to run away anymore. This is highschool you know? And we are friends, and I want to enjoy my life and learn. And I hold the guy dear, he's one of the most amazing individuals I've met so far and I don't wanna lose him because I can't endure the fact that he likes someone else.There is one thing that worries me though. I told my teacher how I invited him and he said that that was a bad idea. Was it? I mean, the guy's girlfriend doesn't know I invited him, nor does she know how I feel, but my intentions were to only go on as friends. I even told the dude not to sit by me because we are going to see a scary movie and when I get scared I have a bad habit of getting really close to the person next to me(which is a fact, and I forewarn everyone of this, but him especially)Was inviting him to the movies with me and five(more) people a bad idea. If so, what can I do to correct my actions for the future?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 October 2012):
 This was a bad idea for EVERYONE involved, you, him, and your supossed girlfriend. To correct your actions in the future all you have to do is to put yourself in other people's shoes first. And you are right, this is high school, trust me you will survive it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I think it's wrong he has a GF and you need to back off for two reasons.
1. HE already HAS a GF.
2. YOU are the one who is emotionally invested so you WILL be the one who gets hurt.
Step away and look elsewhere for a BF. Being "friends" with a crush doesn't really work. Because let's face it, you aren't looking for friendship.
The fact that he is now DECEIVING his GF by NOT telling her he is going to the movies with you, is not good either. YOU should have invited them BOTH since it was a group event. My guess, you are hoping he will sit by you and you can "act" the damsel in distress" and be all over him, yet pretend it's "only" because the movie is scary...
Honey, PUT yourself in the GF shoes - HOW would you feel? If your BF did that to you? and IF another girl did what you did?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): The reason you don't want to distance yourself from him is because there still that little bit of hope in your mind that if he splits from his girlfriend, there's an open door for you to walk in.
You do need to distance yourself from him, and it doesn't matter if you look at it positively or negatively, the point is he's unavailable at the moment, and you aren't doing yourself any favours by hanging around him like a love sick or lost puppy dog.
Was it false hope he gave you, or did he make reference to something in conversation which you then misinterpreted that he was implying there could be a possible future for you and him?
Honestly, at his age, I couldn't see a long term future with any of my teenage loves. That isn't to say I didn't take each and every one of them seriously at the time though, or would consider ditching one girl for another.
You can't force a romance to blossom with someone, it happens naturally if its MEANT to happen. If its not meant to happen, it WON'T ever happen.
That's the way I see it.
Just get on with doing your own thing, with a bit of determination and perseverance your feelings will fade, and who knows, you may find someone of your own who you feel just as strongly for, but for the right reasons.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 The thing I don't like is that the guy's Gf does not know you invited him - why ? I mean, it's a group outing, there's 6 of you, so it would not be such a big deal at all, just a bunch of friends hanging out... if it weren't for little lies, or at least half truths. Why did you invite them separately ? why when you asked the girl , didn't you simply say " tell your bf if he wants to join us... " ?
You care about him, and you care about her too, and if you are such a nice little Carebear, then stay away from him and let him be. Let a possible friendship develop naturally, if he wants it too, - don't go pursuing a friendship with a taken guy that you like romantically. You may say, maybe also feel and believe, that honestly you just want to be friends....- but the point is that you'd would not go to any particular trouble to develop this friendship, if you weren't also attracted to him. YOU know that you like him, and that being around him gives you emotions that his gf should not know about- and this should be enough for you to behave with more restraint. If you happen to be in the same social circles, fine, no prob- but that you have engineer outings and promote ways that you can be around him ...no. Not useful for you to get over him, and not respectful to his gf, which is supposed to be your friend too.
You said it yourself: learn to cultivate self control.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Did you just say that this guy was going out with a friend of yours?? If this guy's girlfriend is a friend of yours, what kind of friend are you??
It wasn't just a bad decision, it's a betrayal of your friend to invite him behind your friend's back, even if it's in a group and you're inviting her too. Your plans are to groom him to leave your friend and date you.
How would you like a friend who does that to you?? For that matter, do you want a guy who you'd have to worry would find another friend of yours more attractive and leave you for her just like you want him to leave for you??
There is a HUGE woman-law, and that is -- we do not steal our friends' boyfriends. You were texting him behind your friend's back. You say you care about her, but you're betraying her!
Leave him alone. You shouldn't be friends with him, because you *can't* be just friends. If he leaves your friend on his own and wants to date you and it wouldn't hurt her, then so be it.
Boyfriends come and go, but friends are so precious. We do not ever betray our friends.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Regardless of what your intentions were you're leading yourself into temptation and making life more complicated than it has to be.
As long as you have strong feelings for this guy you really should keep him at arms length. 'Doing it for the wrong reasons' is just the rationalization you give yourself to stay close to him.
You're right that you can't run aay from every problem, but putting yourself so close to temptation isn't good either. Remain on good terms with him, but keep your distance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Hey, I feel as though it would've been wrong to invite him if your intentions were to steal him away from his girlfriend. But if you are truly trying to get over him and you think this is the way to do it then i'd say go ahead. But try not to sit next to him or give him any special attention. But also don't ignore him because you don't want to lose a friend. Mainly you should just have fun though!
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