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anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been having some problems lately. He's been wanting to go motorcycle riding with his friends he met at work, fine...Well, I WISH I could be fine with it. It's not the point of him going bike riding, it's he wants to go late at night and stays gone for awhile. I get scared while going to bed when there's no one else in the house. I'm not used to being all by myself when I go to bed. We only have cats, so they aren't the best protectors. Well, we got into it again yesterday. He wanted to go riding with his 2 friends and their ladies, I thought I would be invited since the ladies were there also. Nope..he wanted to go by himself. I'm kinda hurt that he don't ever invite me to go with him, especially if the other ladies are there. He has already told me that he don't ever want to sit at home by himself, but he's expecting me to do just that. Was I wrong for getting mad about this situation? I know I shouldn't get mad about him riding, but he also kept going to the bar while doing this from me. I only found out cuz he was telling my parents. Please let me know what I can do to make these situations better in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Hi
going to the bar while riding? not a good idea, i presume you mean a motor bike? No i think he is not been fair if he does not invite you, and are you sure he does not have a pillian rider with him already??? he sounds fishy to me and you sound very trusting and unasuming ( great qualiity) but i would look alittle futher into why he goes late at night and not with you.....very odd. sorry but it is quite possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): LOL... thank you for your response.. You have been kind enough to reply, especially as I am usually offensive and rude. Sorry but that's my way...
See how were moving things along, you meet me half way, and I'll meet you half way. We communicate even though we disagree and we meet somewhere in the middle, in a place that's best for you and best for me. Win-Win, instead of Loose-Loose, that's what we want for him and you, we want a place where you both can be happy with this.
Right you like bike riding, and you can therefore ask to be involved. I can't see no reason why you can't tell him what you told me. You want to go along too, you can have fun in this hobby of his.
The safety issue is also important, and I'm talking about the bike riding and drinking thing. Your right on that one as well. We love these stupid guys, who think they are Supermen, they don't wear the right equipment, they drink, they go to fast and then they die and we are left alone to cry. You can approach him and tell him that as well, but he probably knows. Unfortunately he is a guy, if we push to much they call us "nagging bitches", there is no way I have found to sort their stupid heads out. My ex used to ride his bike on a busy motorway without a helmet. He also used to enter martial arts competitions and I waited at home and felt sick to my stomach when he came home and they put him in hospital. However I don't know how to make them be safe, they are men, they are stupid, all we can do is make them aware that we care, and hope that they stay alive. They do eventually calm down and do the safety thing when they get old. One technique is to do something just as dangerous as him, then he will know how it feels... Scratch that...STUPID ADVICE.. You are a woman, you can't be a stupid reckless man.
I know your worried that he might run off with somebody else, but he can do that at work, he can do that at lunchtime, he dosen't have to wait untill 9pm to steal another mans girl who is riding a bike. He loves you, he choose you, he wants to be with you and nobody else.
I can see why he choose you. You've got fire, you don't take no shit of anyone, if somebody is rude, your polite but firm, you tell them off and clearly say what you want. Your forgiving and understanding. You can listen and take on board new things. You check yourself, and if you have problems, you try to sort them out, you don't pretend that everything is alright, you want to make your life the best for yourself, your boyfriend and everyone you care about. You worry about other people, you worry about their safety. Your a sensative person, your not someone who is hard and uncaring, and just thinks about themselves. You've got nothing to worry about on the love issue. I've seen these qualities in your writing and I'm sure he sees them too. Of course, like a lot of women, you don't want to put temptation in front of him, so your a little protective about your romantic relationship and that is normal.
Talk to him, tell him how you feel, ask to be included too. As I've said, make time to spend with your friends, and give him some "man time" alone too. But I see no reason why you can't go along. Maybe he won't invite you, well what's wrong in asking if you can get into this hobby because it will keep you fit and it will be something you can share and have fun in....
Hopefully you'll get better answers than mine. But I'm wishing you and him well. Do the talk-talk thing, just like you done with me, not the shout-shout thing. I'm crossing my fingers for you both and hoping that you can find a compromise here...
PS: I had night terrors too, it takes strength to work them out. As I said, get some security for the house. Then write down a list of what could go wrong, and they you will see, that it's irrational to think anyone can hurt you when your at home. Your in more danger on the street, there is noone to protect you when he's at work. Perhaps a good talk with your parents will help you out, they know you best and they will understand, because it sounds like they like you and him together.. Good luck to you both.... Blessings, thanks for your response.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the help. I do like bike riding, but I am never invited. We do do our own seperate things with our own friends. It's just impossible for me to do that at 9 at night because my friends all work in the morning and usually at home with their men. I know I shouldn't suffocate him and I do feel really bad, but I would just like to be invited, especially if the other ladies are with as well. And you're right, he shouldn't have to talk to my parents about things, but he knows I would be upset if he was drinking and riding his bike. I worry about that because of how many accidents happens just because of that. I would LOVE to get counseling or some kind of help, but I don't have money for that:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): PS: The advice was free, and if you had listened you would have realised I've told you what to do. You will get more responses, and they may agree with me, they may agree with you. This is an advice board, people come here to get help and solutions, not to find people who say "of course your right to be jealous and he is wrong". If you don't want help, but reassurance, then you should probably talk to him, not us...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): OK babes, you've updated, so lets try and get this sorted out. Do you like bike riding, if you could take up this hobby and be as interested as him, then this could be a great hobby for you to share. But it will do you no good to just take up a hobby so you can be with him.
You don't like to sleep alone, well this is something you need to sort out. Sometimes he won't be able to be with you. What have you done to try to get used to being alone.
Do you have hobbies and interests, is it possible for you to go out with friends on the days when he goes out with his. It's not good for him to be able to talk to your parents, you and him need to communicate, he should be able to talk to you.
I have a strong feeling that these girls are going along because they like bike riding too. It's not because their girlfriends, but they just happen to like bikes.
I'm alarmed that you feel frightened and you feel you need protection. It's obvious that you need to get some security. Maybe you live in a bad area, maybe you can ask him to provide better locks.
As I said, relationships work best when both people are emotionally strong, he's not your protector, he's not your friend, he's your boyfriend, that's a whole different ball game. Get better security for your house, communicate with him that you feel unsafe, find your own hobbies, interests and friends, and if you can, probably get into bike riding with him. All these things will make your relationship stronger and will make you feel secure when your alone or when he's away....
I hope this helps... Main thing is communicate your fears and find out if he can help you with them. But a guy needs his interests, his friends and his space, and so do you so you can both develop and become a strong and secure unit. Blessings
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHHhmmm...not once did I say that I didn't like bike riding. I need help, not someone to criticize me and down me. Soooo, no other lady would be mad if all the other ladies were with they're guys, but she wasn't invited, am I correct? I don't even know what to say to all that negativity from Diovanwhatever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): It would really be usefull to know your age, and the age of your boyfriend. Problems and issues you have at one age could be right but may be stupid if he and you are older... Please update so we can give you the best advice.
You are living with him, and he works. Well I have to assume that you are both over the age of consent. YES, in that case you are very wrong. You need to grow up, you are no longer a little child who needs daddy to hold her hand. If you can't stand to sleep in a house alone, then go back and live with your parents. Your an adult (I assume) but you sound like a 10year old kid. He wants to go out with his friends, they like bikes. Do you like bikes.. If you don't why should he take you along. You sound like a burden, insecure and needy. Your strangling him, you need him too much.
Find some friends, hobbies and interests of your own, then you won't need him so much and you will have better things to do than cry "I feel lonely, why can't I follow my boyfriend arround".. He dosen't want a dog, he wants a strong confident girl. Learn to sleep alone, learn to live your life and stop trying to live his.
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