A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My question is about whether or not I might have frightened a good guy off. Male and female answers appreciated as I know we sometimes see things a bit differently!Anyway I will try to be brief. I met a guy at evening class in September and we got friendly, realised there was an attraction and started dating. He is the nicest man I have met for a long time. He has a fairly high pressured stressful job. All along he has kept in contact, sent lovely emails, texted and emailed me almost daily when I went on holiday for a week in October and he meets me 2 or 3 times a week and always wants to organise the next meeting every time. He seems like a really good guy overall. He lives about 100 miles away from me. He told me I am a nice person who is interesting and funny and we have kissed but not slept together although we would both like to. He flirts a lot but spends time on me and is interested in talking to me. He told me 'I love listening to you talking about anything you want to' and he seems quite protective of me, always willing to help with anything.Just before Christmas we had agreed that we would try and spend a bit more time together this week but his workplace called him in to cancel his leave and he had to work long days (this is true) and we have had a bit less contact and he said it would be easier to meet up after Christmas rather than arrange to meet this week then have to cancel etc.. He is telling the truth, that is not the problem.The problem is that I panicked a bit when he said it and I texted him that day saying that it would be really lovely to meet up if we can, before Christmas or if not maybe catch up on facebook or over the phone and I asked him what was happening at work and said if he wants to talk about it I am here (he gets quite stressed about his job as there are a lot of changes which may involve him having to travel more and he has talked to me about this before). I then made a joke (a shared joke we have between us about his work) and said anyway speak to you soon. I just wondered if that came across as too pushy. My friends said I should have just simply said 'ok no worries, speak to you next week' and then sent a simple happy Christmas text on xmas eve. Also, I was rushing when I sent the text so was not completely thinking about what I was saying so I ended up sending 2 or 3 'scatter texts' with the message in bits. I didn't mean it to come across as pushy. He also has family commitments as has shared custody (as in 50%) of his two children from his ex wife. He works long hours and has the children 3 sometimes 4 nights a week and has a bit of help from a childminder to take them to nursery (they are young)We are not in serious relationship but really like each other a lot and have been slowly dating and getting to know each other, so I don't feel as though I have a right to make demands on him or his time. Anyway today we wished each other happy Christmas via facebook (he was looking after his children today too). I am now worried that I sounded too pushy and might have scared him away. We are both people that like our space but ironically can both be a bit needy at times so it's something I do need to watch. I have been clingy in the past and pushed someone away and I am scared of repeating the same mistakes again. If I was too pushy or sounded like I wasn't hearing him, is it repairable/does it sound that bad?? We are both in our early 40's agewise. Many thanks.Jo
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): Thank you! & Code Warrior you did make me laugh lol - I thought for a second there you were going to say the texts were way OTT!!! I have thought about all this and I think the reason I got into such a state of worry was because last time I saw/spoke to him was via Skype, a few days before Christmas (& a couple of days before his work called him back in and cancelled his leave) & during that conversation we had been flirting a lot and I pulled back a bit and said (jokingly but I was still making a bit of a point I guess) that 'some things are best left for when in person' etc etc because deep down I am probably a bit insecure about men just being all about sex etc etc .. and we ended up having a bit of a heart to heart at the end of which he insisted that everything is still ok and he wants to carry on seeing me and meeting up etc ... Maybe I was testing him a bit. I think this stuff is called 'baggage'! oh dear! Anyhow, I wondered if my worry about the texts was because we had had this heart to heart and I was deep down panicking that it had put him off. If someone is totally secure with someone I guess they would have simply written, as my friends suggested, 'ok no worries see you next week' I think I am over analysing and complicating things perhaps. Thank you all for your help & hope you all had a Happy Christmas. :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): i dont think you have to worry bout the context of the texts..you can rest a bit and realise that there are other factors that affect peoples behaviour such as prior committments etc.
You sound fine..dont doubt yourself.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (26 December 2015):
Ahh, that period in a new relationship when you're pretty sure you know how much you like him, (A lot. No, really, a lot) but are not quite sure whether his feelings are as strong.
You question every test you send (after you've already sent them and can't take them back), and wonder whether every statement you make comes across wrong.
Don't miss those times at all, lol.
The good news is, your guy isn't analyzing your every word with the critical eye that you are.
It sounds like he really likes you. Chill. If the text comes up laugh it off with confidence. But I highly doubt it will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2015): Hello this is OP here. I just read the texts back. There were 3 and they said: Text 1. Hi hope you are ok. It would be lovely to meet up before Christmas if we can. The 2nd text said 'what is happening at work? It sounds quite stressful - if u want to talk about the work stuff i'm here'. It was all one message but i sent it as three texts one after other which is a habit of mine. Text three said '*sorry what i meant was (am rushing about) it would be great to see u before christmas if we can -if not maybe we cld catch up on fb/phone :). Re work u might get lucky and they send u to Italy again ;) anyway speak soon' Does it sound OTT? He knew i was rushing taking car to garage so was texting in a rush. Re Italy that is a standing joke as he loves it when they send him there and we joke about it. At the time he texted me back saying 'not ok really lots of problems at work' then we said bye.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 December 2015):
 I agree with your friend, however I don't think you were pushy enough to scare him off.
I doubt you have anything to worry about. Next time anyone suggests an alternate time, 'Sure, see you then' is the appropriate answer unless of course it isn't a good time for you.
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