A
male
age
41-50,
*enstar
writes:I am in desperate need for advice. I've been with my girlfriend now for 8 years, for the past 2 years its not been good on and off with arguments, breaks etc.. I moved into a house a few months ago and she wanted to move in. But because of these arguments, I've felt like it would be wrong to live together, I know that arguments are normal, but the arguments have been totally irrational, and I've wanted things to move forward naturally. She says that she has felt insecure for a while even though I've given her no reason to make her feel like that. She isn't overly happy with some girls that I'm friends with. Then yesterday I lent my iPad to her brother, before passing it on to him, she scoured through it and questioned who certain girl's were on my contacts list. We had an argument today about it and I ended up saying its over. As I write this I'm so upset, I feel broken, lost, empty and like I've lost my soul mate, I love her, yet I cant keep living like this with on and off problems. I don't know if I've done the right thing or not, I'm in a real mess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): I want you to go back and read your post. Maybe you should read it over a couple of times. You sited several reasons your relationship wasn't working. First, you argue a lot.
Arguments are normal, but the frequency is an indication of incompatibility. It means you don't know how to discuss your problems calmly, you don't have an open-line of communication; and you can't compromise, or reach an agreement where everybody wins. There is a power-struggle.
She is trying to manipulate you into allowing her to regulate your time, investigate all your affiliations, and basically enslave you to catering to her insecurities. That is irrational.
To attempt to cater to someone's multiple insecurities for any extended period is far beyond stupidity, if not impossible.
Another symptom of incompatibility is your problem with taking breaks "on and off." When there is a breakdown in communication, you're only supposed to retreat to your corner to calm down. You apologize for losing your temper. You refresh and cool-down just as you see prize fighters do in a match. There is one difference. You face your opponent
to address the issue head-on. Not to knock them out.
If you put too much distance between you, you strain any link you have in communication; and it will stretch until it eventually snaps. Going back and forth means you really want to just leave, but you don't have the guts.
She begs and takes you back, because she's afraid you'll be with other women. If you broke her trust once by cheating, consider that permanent. She will forgive you in theory, but never fully in her heart. You destroyed trust. Then your relationship is only running on fumes. Insecure people
are unable to forgive very easily. They lack the ability to trust, and to forget what caused/causes their trauma.
You don't take breaks in a relationship. Further confirming the fact that you are incompatible. If you get so frustrated with each other, that you have to separate; and it happens more than once. You are moving apart, and being together is just a hard habit to break. You relent to co-dependency.
No relationship should reach the level of anger that you can't stand each other, and want to getaway from her. Silence is not communication. It's pouting and childish.
Breaks are just trial separations, until someone gets the balls to finally break-up. It also happens when one or the other purposely picks fights; so they can run to their favorite friend with benefits for comfort. FWB's are not there as a support-system. They're a warm bed to run to until your lover cools off. Be that the case, she's not stupid. Some douche bags keep other women around to use jealousy to their advantage. "They're Just friends." Yet there's constant communication they get, that your guy friends never seem to get. That is sinfully suspicious!
So why do you have so many female-friends?
It's not easy to breakup. It feels terrible. So when you have to face that reality; you get scared of being alone, and you miss each other. You start remembering the good stuff and forgetting the mountain of bad stuff; and you'll go into denial. You delude yourselves into believing if you just forget about it, the problems will correct themselves.
That doesn't happen in reality, maybe on an hour-long TV episode or in fairy-tales.
You both sweep your issues under the rug, only to fight about the same crap again and again; only with more fury, because you never resolved the old issues to begin with. You're just piling your old issues on top of the new ones.
Then this god-forsaken issue with snooping and jealousy.
No reasonable human being can endure unsubstantiated suspicions and false-accusations. No matter how hard you try to prove yourself to be true and loyal, no one believes you. YOU FREAKING MAY AS WELL CHEAT!!!
I must say in her defense, you'll look guilty if you hide things, and if you constantly keep lady-friends on hand for possible booty-calls. I'm not letting you off the hook that easy. I'm a guy too! Not that kind, however. Unlike a woman, I do know how a guy thinks!
There are people who are level-headed, willing to work hard at relationships, and they give it their all. People willing to place the feelings of others ahead of their own. Everyone makes mistakes. We are born with flaws. Some flaws you can fix, and some you have to get fixed. Some you can't fix, but you have to learn how to live with them. At nobody's expense but your own, by the way.
No one was placed on this earth to carry all our burdens; while we feel sorry for ourselves and hate life. That kind of person deserves to be alone. They're never grateful for anything. You can give them your soul, and they'll still complain that you don't love them enough.
My point is, level-headed people have no business matching up with insecure people. Insecure people have work to do, and you'll stress them out trying to force them beyond their capabilities. You'll get tired of their weakness or frailties; and you'll become impatient and irritated. Your impatience will make you short-tempered, and you'll be cruel or bully them. It makes it all the more painful for them; because they thought you understood.
It never works. Guess who will have to work the hardest?
Guess who will put in the least effort, and always have a built-in excuse?
The reason we date and have a courtship, is to test and evaluate ourselves for compatibility. You will never always agree. Yet, you still have to know how to forgive, compromise, and apologize. AND MEAN IT!!! You have to work together on your problems until they are resolved. Some problems take more work, that's where love has to fuel your effort. It has to be a mutual and concerted effort. Not one person carrying all the load. Women tend to carry most of the load, thinking that's their responsibility if they love you. It's not. She deserves equality. If she doesn't feel it, it makes her crazy.
Even a three year-old can figure-out, you can't always have your way. Two full-grown adults, should be able to solve their problems. Who ever came up with that crap about "agreeing to disagree" is full of shit. You agree to let the problem rest for the sake of peace, but you work to resolve it. If you can't resolve the problem, you breakup or you divorce. That's called irreconcilable differences. You don't use love as an excuse to suffer. Love is made of all emotions, but it only lasts when there is regular peace and calm between a couple. If the storm never ends where you are, you relocate.
You do not live to walk on egg-shells around other people's insecurities. If things happen after you've been together, that means you stick close to help each other heal. Some unforeseen incident came along and caused a crisis, illness, or disappointment. That is when you work to help each other get through it.
Now here's the catch! If it was there before you met them? That was a red-flag you over-looked, and you're an idiot. Nothing is more bone-headed than to go on a date and let someone sit and over-share every issue and disorder they have, and you decide you'll fix and change them down the road.
What if you can't? Then you wasted their time and yours. They're searching for someone to cure them and hide their weaknesses. If that's not what you're prepared to do; then why are you there? You can't change people, they have to change themselves. Love doesn't change people, people themselves; because they love you.
Jealous girlfriends and boyfriends have issues. They are insecure because they fear someone will come along and take you away. They don't trust that you care enough for them that it will not be that easy. You didn't give-up being with other people, when you had the choice not to. Yet no amount of trying will convince these people. They will drain you of your energy. They will make you feel like a criminal, and they will snuff out the light in your soul.
If after a certain amount of trying, but it never seems to change. It's not your fault.
Everyone gets jealous. If the jealousy brings discourse to the relationship and it is relentless. You dump them like hot coals.
Your job and obligation to your mate; is to prove your love and devotion to them by your actions. If you've done everything humanly possible, and they still don't trust you? You have to let them go, and find someone worth your love, and willing to allow you to prove you can be trusted. You deserve everything back, that you're willing to give. No more, no less.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): Sometimes girls go through 'emotional phases' in their lives, when they perhaps feel more insecure and cry more. After 8 years surely she would know about most of the girls you are friends with anyway? If you are not open with her it might make it a lot harder for her to trust you. I don't mean to be making excuses for her but she is obviously going through a hard time and needs your love and assurance, not for you to break up with her. Also after 8 years isn't it about time you both lived together anyway? This could be another issue contributing to her insecurity.
My longterm relationship has had its ups and downs but I'm so glad we both fought for it. Are you sure you truly love her... If so why let her go? Perhaps you are just 'used' to her and miss her. If you guys get back together you need to have a long talk about her insecurities - answer any questions she might have and ask her why she is insecure, but also tell her that this needs to stop and no relationship can work without trust. It is really just down to how hard you are both willing to work for the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 I think you did the right thing. You can't make someone confident and secure. That comes from within and if she's not prepared to do the work, then things won't get better.
Not that I believe in soul mates, but I would think they would be someone with whom you can relax and be yourself. If you can't be you without being punished, then you're not with your soul mate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): Jealousy can be hard to deal with. Has she always been this way or was there ever a reason you gave her to be jealous? If you really want to be with her then you have to be completely open and honest about any female friends. Depending on her jealousy though..that might not even help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 You have been WITH her for 8 years and didn't think it was a good idea to LIVE together? To progress the relationship? Is that was some of the fights were over?
I mean I get it, moving in together if the relationship IS NOT going well, is NOT a good idea, but then you wither WORK it out or end it.
8 years a long long time to date and not move forward at all.
If she is now in her 30, she might resent having "wasted" 8 years on a guy who didn't SEE a long term future with her.
Is it the right thing for you to end it and walk away? Only you can tell, but I think it is. Spending TWO year fighting and bickering is pointless and a real WASTE of time.
And a relationship that "needs" breaks to work.. isn't really working at all. Consider this if you are driving from London to Rome, you will have to stop occasionally to sleep, refuel, maybe even stop for repairs, but you don't PUT the car in storage if things break down on the way - YOU FIX them and move on, OR if the car can not be fixed YOU get a new one.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (15 January 2015):
 I feel for you. It's quite difficult. Your girlfriend has a lot of personal development/growth and as long as you're around, she going to include you in her process, but unfortunately, your coddling and comforting her is not going to make her more confident. I do have to ask - there absolutely has to be something that changed in the last two years. The first 6 were great and the last two were not? Can you run through some critical thinking and try to find a variant?
Trying to comfort her is like pruning a tree, slowly picking away branches as it continues to grow. What's the root of the problem? Can you tell us more?
~SY
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