A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently ended my engagement to a most wonderful man for one reason: his family was rude and manipulative, and he would not stand up for me. It was such a painful process; everything else about our relationship seemed so perfect. The family was nice to my face, took me out for dinner, said nice things about me to their friends. But when I wasn't around, my fiance's mother would call him and say that I was "alienating her." Although my fiance couldn't tell me what this meant or what I could do differently, he said that he had to "believe her because she is my mother" and that asking her to please respect me (and us as a couple) more or explain herself would be "asking too much" of his family. I had so deeply believed that my fiance and I were such a permanent unit and that we could solve any problem, together, strong as a couple. But here, he couldn't stand *with* me, and was even willing to stand *against* me and not even understand why. He yelled at me for needing "someone to slay my dragons" and "having an abnormal need to be protected" and told me *I* needed to see a therapist to solve *my* problems, of which he and his family were not a part. Riiighht....the reason I would need a therapist would be to heal from the fact that I devoted my entire self to a person I believed had been doing the same when he really wasn't... What do you guys think? Have you gone through anything like this, and if so, what was it like and what did you do? What do you think I should have done?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reassurances, guys. Some days, I feel confident in my decision, and other days, I feel so sad and lonely and think of all the ways I could have done something different. But deep down I know that no matter what I did or what therapy we went through, the underlying problem would not have changed... I don't think he ever would have developed an instinct to protect me first and foremost if he didn't already have it at the time he asked me to spend our whole lives together...How did you guys deal with feeling betrayed and not supported? I felt - and still feel - so deceived! I made the decision to give my whole life and self to this person - everything - and it is just so hard to accept that fact that he wouldn't/ couldn't do the same. Also, I feel like when I try to describe this to my friends, they think the whole thing is so crazy that I wonder if they even really believe or understand how painful it was... That's also hard for me. I feel like I'm complaining or blowing things out of proportion. But it really was so painful! Did you experience anything like that?
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 people are most certainly like their relatives in many ways.
i would leave anyone who's family was treating me badly and who didn't stand up for me. you made the right choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hi i posted this piece and look at the number of responses on this very subject even after a year!!! Keep posting everyone as it is a topic worthy of support and input - lots of miserable women who have hung on and on for years waiting for their husband or partner to stick up for them. I personally think you've had a lucky escape.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-in-laws-hate-me-and-my-husband.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Oh wow...girl! You're story sounds similar to mine. I'm 23 and broke up with my fiance months ago. The main reason..he cheated on me and him and his family blamed me. Right..he was the one that cheated and I get the blame. Ok. But before that we were having our share of problems with his family (mainly mother and sisters). He was the only brother and the baby. A 30 yr old baby. His mother complained that we never visit her anymore and discreetly blamed me for it. But yet majority of my weekends were spent revolving around his mom/sisters. But they still complained that i would see my family often (a good 3-4x a YEAR!). A big problem was when i went to see MY family who lives far away (who i left to be with my man and this is how he and his family treats me) he didnt want to come b/c he says i dont see his family! When i see them all the time! They wanted the both of us ONLY to themselves, mainly him. If i wasnt there, they wouldnt care. And he was so blind sighted that he ALWAYS took their side and never reasoned with me. He is such a momma's boy at that age...my goodness. Yes i loved him but i couldnt live that life. I would go mad with that family. I'm glad im outta there. We didnt break up for those reasons (who knows his family told him to do it), but eventually it was leading to that. But he instead he cheated. I'm glad he's out of my life.
I wouldnt stay girl! That family will take advantage of you and it will be too late to get out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): This sounds really awful - poor little you!!
I think you have made the right decision TOTALLY. Marriage is about committing to each other...and he has shown you that for him that is 'conditional' and only if it is ok with his mummy. That is not right - and he is the person who should have dealt with the "issues" with his family. It is not you who has the problem here.
Families are difficult that's for sure. My partners mother is extremely tricky (she raised him on her own, he's an only child, her "baby" and to top it off she has a mental health problem...she's hard work). My partner loves her - but also has insight into some of her problematic behaviours. Right from the VERY start of our relationship he talked about how she may try to "split" us at times and that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED we should always stand united - back each other and never enter into games or align with her against each other. He has ALWAYS backed me, made it very clear that he will not stand for any mistreatment of me and that if she chooses to behave like that that she will see neither of us. Similarly - I have never let her draw me into ganging up against my hubby - even on small stuff...and yes she has tried alot!! Over time she has learnt that she can't play her usual games with us. She knows where she stands. She treads a bit carefully now too.
I have also used this same strategy with my family - who are very loving and accepting, but also can be difficult at times. I never let them say anything bad about my partner to me and call them on it if they do. They can have their opinions but I don;t want to discuss it. If they tell me something and say "don't tell blah blah" I tell them that that is not fair as he is my husband, my family - and if they don;t want him to know then don;t tell me. I want them to respect that he is who I have chosen to be with. There have also been times when I have had to go against their wants and when I have had to show them that as much as I love them I would choose my husband over them if it came down to it. The "dynamic" and usual family processes have changed since then....everyone respects our "unit" and there is no triangulation going on.
So....long story I know - but if your fiance does not put you and your relationship first now (and that is not asking him not to love and respect his family) he probably never will - and your marriage will have trouble all along! You deserve better.As painful as it will be now - you should stick to your guns and end things with this man. Good luck!
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