A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I need some help, fast!So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 5 months. We have known each other for 5 years and have been in love for 3 years. He is amazing and loves me very much, and I love him very much as well. For the last 2 months we have had a big problem concerning a female friend that he met at work. She is his friend. It all started when we were out at an ihop restaurant. He got a text message and he quickly shifted his phone so I couldn't see it. That made me ask who it was. He told me it was a friend from work named Jasmin. He then deleted the message which made me feel suspicious. I asked him why he did that and he said because he felt like it. I stopped talking to him for the rest of the night until he realized something was wrong. He apologized after I told him my feelings and said he didn't want me to get upset because another girl was texting him. I let it go but deep down it bothered me so much. It continued to play in my head over and over and it caused so many arguments that even made him want to break up with me. He never went through with breaking up and we slowly began to address the issue maturely. One day I looked in his phone because I needed to know how much they were communicating. I found nothing in his inbox but when I went to his outbox I found conversations between them! I was furious and asked him how he could lie to me about communicating with this girl because he always said he doesn't really text with her. I told him that he betrayed me and that I was supposed to mean more to him than some girl he met at work. He said sorry and we spoke about it. He once again said that he was afraid of my reaction if I would have known about them texting. I told him that if nothing had been going on then there would be no reason for this to have been hidden from me. I told him that I no longer trusted him at that point and that I don't know if I ever could. He had moved in one night before this and I just couldn't believe he had lied about this. I was always suspicious and it drove me nuts. He continued communication with her and I told him that it bothered me greatly because she was the woman he decided to betray me over. He didn't understand this so he continued to speak with her. This emotionally broke me and I decided that it was time for a serious discussion with him. I told him for the millionth time that the communication with her affected me negatively and that I could no longer promise myself to him forever. I told him I had tried so many times to feel okay with their friendship but that I could not and that maybe it would be better if I just ended it with him. He didn't want that and he cried greatly. I hurt with him because I knew that it was unfair of me to ask him to end their friendship. However it was also unfair for me to have to deal with these emotions and continue to be in a damaging relationship. He decided that he would end their friendship because he said he wants me and me only and that he does not want a future without me. I felt only slightly better because we could finally move on without her in our life. But I also now feel selfish and like a horrible person because of the decision he chose to make. Was it right of him to drop this girl for the sake of our relationship? Is this unfair to him? What should I have done? Should I have left the relationship so that he could be free to speak to her without worrying about how I feel? Or should I have simply dealt with their friendship? What is the right thing to do? Please help!Sorry it was so long. I tried to keep it as short as possible. Thank you everyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Trust your gut feelings and ignore those who think you are jealous and/or crazy. You are not jealous of his other girlfriends and he is fine with you meeting them. This situation was different and there is a reason for it. The secrecy was an issue. Two people who are just friends would not feel the need to make things secret. Maybe nothing happened or was going to happen but it sounds like the beginnings of an emotional affair and after going through something just like this I would urge you to keep your eyes open. If you feel good now that is fine but if your gut still feels knotted up you might want to do a little digging because they might just be hiding their continued relationship from you. Some people might think that is the wrong advice but this is still bothering you so you need to find out why. He was not truthful with you and this cannot be overlooked. Maybe he feels guilty because he was having inappropriate thoughts? If he truly cares he will do some work to rebuild that trust because as much as you might want to move past this it will be in the back of your mind. How would he feel if it had been YOU who was texting another man and hiding it from him? Please be cautious...I have heard 'she's just my friend' before too and she ended up being his mistress. After reading over 300 emails they sent to one another I know it is possible for someone to look you in the eye and tell you to trust him. I also know that other women (and men I am sure) can be very manipulative and can go after your man. of course they can't 'steal' them unless he wants it to happen but they can be vicious. They will tell your partner that you are jealous and have insecurity issues but from what I read in your post you are fine with the other women so again, she stood out for a reason. Be cautious. Hopefully this was just bad judgement on his part but be aware and be good to yourself - you deserve to be treated with respect.
A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 In regards to your follow up -
thank you for explaining a bit more. I completely agree that the things she was texting (and what he was possibly texting) could be the beginning of an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can often be more hurtful than purely physical ones.
Now that I think about it more and have more information, what is happening (or did happen) was a form of betrayal, because of the lying and the sneakiness. You need to tell your boyfriend this, and make him see it from your point of view.
Tell him what you told us - that all of his other girl friends do not behave like this other girl, and that the fact that he never introduces you to her or lets you interact much with her is suspicious and hurtful.
You need to have a chat with him, I think...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Ok, so this sounds scary like my story, Only I'm the "other woman" so to speak and the three of us ALL work together.
Looking at it from my point of view gives me the following opinions:
-Maybe when you met her they were afraid to talk to one another, I know when my guys girlfriend went mental and checked his phone I felt like u shouldn't even be looking at him let alone talking as normal when she was around.
-You should NEVER have made him choose. I'm a firm believer that the one who deals the ultimatum should be on he losing end of it. Why should this girl be punished over your insecurities when all she's done us find a good friend?
-If you can be his untrusting of him do you really see a future with him? Your fears and suspicions are only gonna get worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI used the word betrayed because I believe lying is a form of betrayal. The text messages were not sexual but they were a bit more than friendly. She would always ask if he would be at work and if not she'd say things like: its not the same without you :(, you're not coming!? Huh, I'm mad at you goodnight!, I miss you, come to work!
I feel those are all things that may lead to an emotional affair. She even texted him at 2 or 3 am! I have also told him if he could please introduce me to her and include me in their communication once in a while. All three of us were in the lounge of our job and they said NOTHING to each other and he did not introduce me. I felt suspicious that they did not even exchange one word to each other just because I was there. And in the long run, I had to introduce myself and she seemed uninterted in getting to know me.
The fact that he tried to hide and lie about this friendship really hurt me. I don't feel as if I over reacted. And in the beginning I tried to discuss calmly about how I felt and he would go cold and distant which would then lead to an argument. When he finally decided to join me in discussing things, it got better and he decided that it was best to stop communicating with her.
I realize I am a jealous person. But my boyfriend has plenty of female friends he chats with all the time. They don't bother me at all, just the slight jealousy that is normally felt. However they have all communicated with me and have all been extremely friendly with me. I feel like this other girl had different intentions and my boyfriend knew this and chose to hide her specifically. I don't believe he cheated but I feel betrayed and hurt for the lie.
I feel selfish though because I do not wish to control who he talks to. I usually don't even care but this...this was just unlike him and beyond gut wrenching. I had to say something! But I am simply torn because I know he still wants to be her friend and if it wasn't for me, they still would be. He says she isn't important but I feel that to him, she is.
But anyways, thank you for your input on this everyone. It is greatly appreciated and I will take your words to thought.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): You may have over reacted a little but to be fair I think you have a point.I've had to get rid of female friends because my wife wasn't happy with the situation.There is a very fine line between a female friend and a female that is potentially flirting with your guy.The rules (as explained to me by the wife) are quite intricate but most women will instinctively know if the contact you have with another woman is okay or not.For example I have a friend called "Sue", Sue and I dated for a short period right before I met my now wife. Sue is a beautiful woman (not a patch on the wife though), she's sweet and charming but we never really had that 'spark'. Now Sue and I exchange the odd phone call and email here and there and talk about our lives. When I got engaged to my now wife Sue sent a sweet email congratulating her and I and every time we speaks she asks for "Eileen" (the wife), not a problem in the world here. Eileen and Sue even went out for a coffee once when they were at the same airport. "Estelle" on the other hand was a girl I dated a looong time ago, she lives in Germany and their is not a chance in the world that I'd ever see her again. Still she managed to rub the wife the wrong way by only wanting to talk about memories and moments we shared together when we were dating. The wife told me in no uncertain terms to get rid of her pronto even though there was no chance that anything would ever happen. So I guess it all depends on the situation. If this girl your boyfriend is working with had introduced herself as a friend or if you got to know her a little it would probably all be fine but sneaky texting, lying and deleting your text history would see me in the doghouse for a month at least.*MOD NOTE: Names changed for confidentiality reasons*
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A
female
reader, veronika +, writes (14 March 2010):
Your reaction is justified depending on how the two were communicating.If you found reason to believe, through reading the text messages, that their relationship was 'inappropriate' (i.e, she was sending 'sexy texts' to him and he was deleting what he sent to her) then I can see why you reacted the way you did.However, if the texts were 'harmless' and were just texts between friends, then perhaps you did overreact. All of that aside, he was wrong to hide it from you and him deleting his replies to her IS somewhat suspicious. But, it's all about context. What were the nature of the texts? Were they HONESTLY sexual in any way, or did it lead you to believe they were seeing each other behind your back in a sexual way?That is how you can tell whether your reaction was justified.
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