A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I should probably apologise for the length of this post prior to posting it, just very confused at the mo and need help. Im gonna use bullet points to give context - -Dad left at 4 mths old-Mum got ill at 4 yrs and went to psych hospital-Gran took care of me and sisters-Mum came home at 5-Dad left for USA 10 -Was fat and bullied at 11-Lost loads of weight and became more popular at 12-Started loosing my hair at 15-Lost my religious faith at 16 - very angry-Sister who is close in age to me left for uni at 17 (she was always closest to me)-Hair loss became really noticeable at 18 - lost all self esteem and confidence-I developed (what I now know to be a form of OCD) repetitive unwanted and traumatic thoughts. Kept this to self for 3 yrs. still have this until this day but have some good strategies to cope.-1st serious rel at uni, on reflection I was so anxious I did not want to be outgoing and I latched onto first girl who showed an interest. Rel ended as soon as uni ended. -Move to US temporary to see dad, overweight and bald, no female attention. Panic will always be alone.-Move back to uk Start training in my career in south east. Know no one. Get in a relationship with first girl who shows an interest. Stay together for 8 yrs, though later leave as I wanted 'real' love.- have some short term rels, meet most recent ex through free dating site 2 yrs ago. - I then decided to leave in dec. I felt lonely, she was often at work, often out playing sports, never much time for us. I tried to talk to her about this so many times but no change. I felt she never priortised me. Wrote out a anniversary card in front of me, gave me very basic and practical presents Xmas/b days etc, we never ate together, went to bed together etc, basically felt it lacked intimacy. That's not want I want from a rel, and as we'd talked (even agreed date nights, but on second week she turned up 1 1/2 hr late) and not change, I left, I do to know what else to do. But since I miss her so much. She has shut me out completely since so we cannot talk at all. I can't imagine being with anyone else and I think about her all the time. I'm not sure if I left due to fear of abandonment or that she was not prioritising me, which I may have felt she had to (as a result of some crappy past experiences and fears) so I left first. Maybe if I did my own thing more and didn't wait around at home wishing she was with me, I would have felt so bad and would have happily stayed in the relationship. I just don't know what to do. Should I just let time pass and hope I get over her. Should I try and fight for her (though I don't want to harass her in any way or make her fell uncomfortable), should I date other people and hope I find someone who matches want I think I want in a relationship, or do I want those things in a relationship? Was I happy with my ex but just felt I didn't get enough reassurance? Please help me work myself out!.? :(
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anniversary, at work, bullied, confidence, my ex, overweight, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 February 2015):
 First off, as a guy you are perfectly within your rights to first concentrate on you. And I think you should be the priority first. Not some heartless cold ex who was so busy with her own life that you were prioritized (by her) as a side dish.
Yes you may be looking for love, commitment and a loving caring partner in your life.
From your description, that is not who she was, based on the way she related to you.
Also, from your notes, I don't see that you have a strong sense of you putting you first. Instead, more than once, you've settled for who has taken an interest in you, rather than who and what you deserve.
Thus I think you'd be better off if you identified some activities, hobbies, pastimes, skills that you might choose to consider, in the pursuit of improving your own sense of worth and your own self esteem.
You've had a history of (through no fault of your own) a series of rejections or setbacks that must have impacted (negatively) on your self esteem.
That ''history'' would not have been nice to endure.
Though many people do go on to greater things and find love despite similar set backs in their formative years.
At the moment try to fill your life with some activities that are more about you enjoying life. And not sitting at home pining for an ex.
Try to choose some activities that could, eventually bring you into contact with some potential future ladies who you might consider dating.
When you do resume dating go into dating recognizing that some women may say no.
After your life experience I can see why you migh prefer to pursue girls who show an interest in you first. In order to avoid rejection.
But once you become the one to first identify a woman with qualities you like, as the woman to pursue, then you will be in the driver's seat.
In the interim consider some physical pursuits like bicycle riding (very trendy right now), swimming or Circuit classes or aerobics or yoga or a combination of the above. You will meet lots of women in the last 3 options above.
But when you do join then keep your ears and eyes open for any girls you prefer, but don't ask any out , until you'vr had plenty of time to study them.
Consider volunteering in a community group that accepts male and female volunteers.
Once again, watch, discover and wait before asking any particular fellow participant out.
You can learn a lot about a person by examing how they behave, how they relate to others, how they present themselves.
Enroll in a locally provided course to learn a skill - framing pictures, home maintenance, learn a language, maybe even painting pictures. Choose such courses with a view to which ones are more likely to attract males and females.
Once again watch and observe before you choose to ask anyone out.
By developing some skills, building on building your self esteem, then you will be re-entering the dating game with more resilience and a greater sense of self worth. And you will find it easier to interest a wider group of potential potential partners. You and they will also have more to talk about (to each other) if you've enjoyed mutually satisfying times doing worthwhile things together.
Being 1.5 hours late for a date is inexcusable rudeness.
Don't settle for a woman who prioritizes you last in her scheme of things.
And next time you date please do not discuss how bad things that have been in the past re dating. She does not need to know and relating the past will likely put her off.
Good luck discovering you and finding happiness
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