A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy that works at the same company as me only in a different division (but in the same town). We actually met through an online dating site (one of the sites where THEY match you based on your values, etc, and you can’t search for matches on your own). We knew a lot of the same people and live in a relatively mid sized town, and it would have only been a matter of time before I was guaranteed to meet him by chance.Background info: He is in the same career field as me and he finished grad school 4 months ago. He and his girlfriend of 1.5 years decided to break up rather than go for a long distance relationship. In his online profile he stated “I have reached a great point in my life, and I’m looking for someone to share that with.” 7 months ago I got dumped for a long-distance ex who came back into the picture after three years. I really gut burned, but I moved on. Nonetheless, I stated at the end of my profile that I absolutely could “not date or have a relationship with anyone who has not moved on from past relationships because it has spelled bad news for me in the past.”This new guy and I clicked. We found we had tons of the same interests and values. Things were getting better with each date and there was definitely a mutual attraction. Then after a particularly long and great time out, we were at his place at the end of the night. We were definitely getting pretty comfortable with one another and were about to the point of a first kiss a couple times, but we were both in the cautious, kind-of-awkward, I’m-attracted-to-you-but-I’m-still-getting-comfortable-with-you phase. Then I brought up the topic of our online profiles because I had a question about his. After answering, he asked me about the statement I had made about exes. He said he and his ex still talked and he wanted me to know that so I would not be wondering who the hell she was when she called (makes me wonder if that statement made me look controlling or possessive?). I clarified that I could not tolerate people who had not MOVED ON, but that I could tolerate contact with an ex.He gave me the details of their break up. When they found out he was leaving they decided to break up rather than make plans/go long distance. She liked the area she lived in (he did not, and prefers where he lives now), and she was not actively looking for a job in our part of the country. Well, after getting screwed over by my last bf because of a long distance ex on the other side of the country, I told him that if distance alone played a large and potentially primary role in the reason for their break up, I doubted his true emotional availability. I said if it was a case of, “I love you, but I can’t move for you,” then the circumstances of their breakup were a “major red flag.” I really emphasized this with a serious tone of voice. I said if it was one of those “I love you but we have to break up” cases, I wouldn’t mess with it. In fact the exact words I used were, “I won’t even fuck with that,” in a serious tone of voice, but certainly not aggressive. He suddenly asked me if I was looking for a serious relationship and I told him I was looking for something to take “one day at a time, and it goes where it goes.” (I believe that’s the right attitude for any relationship just starting out or still in the “dating” phase.) I said only he knew for certain what he felt and whether he was still invested in this ex girlfriend of his, and that I had to trust him to make the right decisions if things did move forward with us- not those exact words, but something along those lines. Somewhere else in this whole exchange (I can’t pinpoint where since I didn’t exactly record it! ? ) he said he felt like he was still getting to know me (and I agreed I felt the same), and at some other point he also said he thought we had “a lot of things in common” and that he really liked spending time with me.The date still ended very well- I left shortly after that talk, and he asked me cheerfully when he would see me again, put his hand on my arm/shoulder while asking me, and smiling. He had been getting more “touchy/feely” that night (not like kissing or holding hands or anything, but little things like I just mentioned). I told him, “how about tomorrow,” and told him to call me. (I strategically decided to leave the ball in his side of the court after that conversation.)Sunday comes and goes with no word except for some text messages, and he said he had a bunch of work to do. Monday goes by with no call until 10 pm. I missed the call and returned it on Tuesday, and didn’t hear what I was hoping for. He had been thinking of Saturday’s discussion. He said he really likes spending time with me, but as much as he would like to think he has moved on from his last girlfriend, he knows “that's not really the case.” He said he thinks it is best for us to "not date," but did ask if I was “looking for more friends.” He said "down the road" dating could be an option, but it would not be right now because he did not want to “lead me on” and he could not guarantee 100% at this point that the ex would absolutely not be coming back into the picture. I don't know if he added the “down the road” phrase so that I would not feel bad, or if he really wants to hold out and give it some time first before dating me, or what. I didn’t ask. I did ask if he and his ex were getting back together, and I guess the subject has come up in their conversations, but then why would he have said on Saturday that she likes the area she lives in (on the other side of the country) and was not looking for jobs in our city? She is also currently working on her post-doc and he said that thus, part of the break up was a "timing issue."I took it very well on the phone, although disappointed, and I ended the conversation with something like "I guess I'll see you around then?" and he told me he was sure he would still see me at work events, and to have a nice week, and that was that. So the conversation had kind of a "good-bye" tone I guess? I mean, if he’s just saying he’s going to see me at group events at work, isn’t that basically pushing me away? Or does he want me as a friend, or what? Maybe I should have backed off on the ex issue. I must have come off as possessive and controlling. ?A few minutes later I texted him: "Thanks for being honest and recognizing you're not ready to move on. That was really mature and the best thing to do. Take care." To which he texted back, "Thanks. It was tough, but best for both of us." (Why “tough"? To minimize hurt feelings, or because he has feelings for me?). So I sent back, "True. Take care, and all the best." He did ask if things would still be friendly after all this and I said yes. So it’s almost as if he expected me to be mad at him- so he felt guilty. For what? Leading me on? He would only have been doing that if he didn’t have feelings for me, but I was definitely picking up on mutual interest. Man am I confused.I can't help but wonder if I completely sabotaged things by even bringing up the subject of past relationships this early, since things were going so well and were just starting out. Did I scare him off? Or did I really give him something to think about and caused him to realize he had not moved on? Did he think I was going to be overly possessive? Did he think I was trying to force him into a commitment already? If he was truly going to get back with his ex, why was he on a dating site talking about looking for someone to share his life with? And why aren’t he and the ex trying out long distance? I must have really screwed this one up. I don't know if I should call him anymore, or ask him to hang out at all, even for something as simple as a cup of coffee, since he did say he thought that we should "not date." Any advice would be much appreciated. This is one of the neatest guys I have met in awhile, but I need out-of-the-box, straight-up honesty. Thanks so much!-confused
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): I think you did the right thing. I believe that people should move on before starting something new. You told him how you felt and what you needed and he was honest in telling you that he could not give you what you needed coz he was not ready to let go of his ex. You did the right thing at the right time! Whats the point of going on with things and then finding out that he is not ready later?
On the other hand hun, not all guys will be in contact with ex's to get them back! I grew up with one of my ex's and our families know ea other. I would never get back with him but I do talk to him. Just learn to trust a little. Find a balance in between being cautious and trusting. Good luck xx
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