A
female
age
36-40,
*aley
writes:M lead me on for approximately 9 months. It started off as a normal friendship, however it quickly became intense with the knowledge of his life partner passing away a couple of years ago. For reasons unbeknown to me, he chose to get close to me in regards to this. I was a stable form of emotional support for him in this area. But also at the same time, it was evident very early on that our friendship was not platonic. We would have sleepovers and share a bed together etc, and a few months into our friendship he kissed me. He was upfront and explained in the beginning he did not want to hurt me. However throughout the duration of our time together he sent me many many signals indicating he saw me as strong potential for his future. By the time that he kissed me I did like him very much and was no longer able to pretend that we were just regular friends. At this time he picked up emotionally (in regards to his grief for his lost partner) and started meeting up with multiple girls to form new friendships. At this time he pulled away from me. I spoke to him on the phone and voiced how I felt and he reassured me that he respected me and that he just needed to be a 'free spirit' at this time. Other times he would talk to me he would very clearly point out to me what a great man he is. When it got to the point where i was annoyed at him, he said i should not wait for him. Basically he wanted me to like him... and then I did in fact like him... then he didn't want me anymore and put walls between us. All the while he is doing much better now in life and is trying to meet more women. I always tried to let him know that I was aware he could not be in a relationship. I just wanted respect as a friend. The way he put walls between us really hurt after I had been so close with him previously and tried to support him as much as I could. He made me believe for the first few months that he was very trustworthy and caring. Then it seemed like his personality just flipped. Now we are no longer talking and he has spoken poorly of me to his friends. Was he just scared of things heading towards a relationship? Or did he just use me emotionally (to get over his past) and physically (to get comfortable with women again)? I am feeling devastated about this situation as he made many promises that he did not live up to. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, naley +, writes (8 February 2012):
naley is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for taking the time to write to me as you have. I appreciate it very much. You have posted some very helpful points, thanks again. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Interesting, you definitely are clear about your situation.
Clarity is good. I have been told in the past that a man who is down on his luck, or depressed or not up to his "all he can be" usually does not settle with someone who has seen this side of them. They tend, like we all should, to come into and hold a relationship that is coming from a sense of power, purpose and prosperity. So yes, and don't feel bad, you walk away knowing you are a great, good person. But he is now, thanks to you in many ways, able to find his power and purpose and will want to attract a women who views him from this place. So I can only say to you, be a you but look for a man who looks like he has it made. A person who is on his way, happy, content, someone who doesn't wallow in the past, who cares for all and is caring, who tends to their burdens thoughtfully but not smoldering. Who has the confidence and esteem to take care of their world. Women are NOT suckers for men in need.
They are coming from such a lovely pure place. And can be one of the reasons why it is hard for a man to break up with her, he will feel huge quilt, thus "I don't want to hurt you" but alas he knows he must. Actually I'm glad you spoke here because it put alot into perspective for me, and giving you advice, well, has me looking into the mirror.
He did not used you, it's just that the time was ripe, the season right, and fate took it's course. All that is left is the knowing, the going and the next real chore or shore to adventure to more knowledge of knowing that what you need to change in your choices. It's a sad story, yet an awakening one. You do know one thing though and that is that you are ready for a relationship and happiness and bliss. You will find it, because you want it.
Examine only yourself. This is the first clue. Look at what you want, how you get it, and what you sacrifice for it. Maybe you need to grieve things from your past as well, because looking for it or attracting it in others says you may have some unfinished pain body there that you need to cleanse. In the end, not a waste of time, effort, nothing ever is. Even through your tears and yearning there is a vast amount to learn and take with you.
The thing is there are alot of relationships that are Scape Goats and procrastinations, but that is not so bad is it? We feed and are fed before we flee and are fled. I must remember that one! I think the one big thing we must remember is that it was real it was healing, and the one left feeling the pain now has a chance to fix that too.
It is also a warning sign to make sure your heart is empty and happy and ready to be filled before you get it involved. It leads us to the right people. If not, there is something that maybe a professional should be looking at with us. He was selfishly irresponsible with his pain and took that into your life. It is what it is. It is the sound of reality smashing us in the face.
There are some people who live off other peoples pain, because theirs is so hidden or untouchable. Ouch, to know we are so messed up, so vulnerable to our discovery, but that really is the good news. I attain to get well everyday, to make the right choices, say the right words, think the right thoughts and in doing so my masterpiece will invent itself. I attain that I will know when to say NO, when to step back, when to call it, say it, face it.
I will always spread heaps of love, it's my number one top nonperishable item in my vastness. I will also now how to share it wisely, because I carry wisdom on my sleeve. I will have hope and trust that my thoughts and actions will always in every way bring me closer to my ideal, MINE. I will be content with my imperfect self, world and circumstances. I will also allow my bliss and illusions to feed my creativity but let clarity lead my feet. I will live have lived, am living, always seeking, exploring, creating. I know there are no answers, that is freedom. and above all there is only FREEDOM........
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A
female
reader, naley +, writes (7 February 2012):
naley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your 3 responses. Thank you Spanner28.
I have read them all and really appreciate it.
In regards to the second responder, the only reason I got really confused was because he would literally say he saw a future with me - getting married and having kids. That at this 'time' he is just not ready yet. The very first that things crossed the line passed kissing I told him I could not do anything further like that with no commitment.
You are right though when he said he is not ready, yet was leading me on, I needed to leave then instead of sticking around to get hurt.
Yes to the third responder, I do feel very much that I have been manipulated. And you are right, if he really cared about my friendship he wouldn't have kissed me.
And for me who is normally quite a smart person, I feel really stupid getting caught up in all of this. I should have walked away as soon as it became more than friends. He just really made me believe he genuinely liked me and that there was going to be a future for us when the time was right. Then his behaviour changed. And as they say actions speak louder than words.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): I think he was very upfront about his emotionally unavailability for a relationship. When guys tell you they aren't ready for a relationship or how they don't want to hurt you, you need to walk away fast. You just can't sleep your way into being someone's girlfriend or be their life coach in hopes that will transition into a commitment.
Guys know very early on whether they see you as a future girlfriend or not. If they don't, they will let you know by telling you they aren't ready for a relationship. Don't have sex until you are exclusive so you don't feel used.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): He's still probably going through a lot of things because of his deceased partner. One of them is being an asshole to you. Yes, it does sound like he used you. You should sever contact with him, you were there for him and emotionally open. He decided to act on a feeling and lead you on because he wanted some physical comfort. Not because he genuinely thought about starting a relationship with you.It's obvious he's trying to shake you off with trying to annoy you and the bad comments of you to other people. It's not that you have to please his wishes to leave him alone, it's that you don't have to put up with a friend like him. If he really wanted to preserve your friendship, he'd think twice about kissing you and leading you on.Leading into a relationship with "my partner died two years ago" sends me warning signals. Someone who's trying to get back into dating after a horrific experience like that would probably not use that information to emotionally manipulate girls.
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