A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's going to be a very long post, so take a deep breath and dive in.I recently have finished my BA after a long delay. During the last semester I was studying with - lets call him D. He is a lecturer (in the country where I live we don't name them 'professor' as in the u.s), single, about 47 years old. Im 30.I started to feel something for him after I saw he's been looking at me for a long time. he had very intense gazes that actually made me feel embarrassed. I thought Im kind of a threat for him (can't explain that, that's how I felt) so I became very active in class. I found that the way we think is very much alike and sometimes he was expecting me to finish a thought or idea he started. I was the teacher's favorite student.Then I talked one day to another student and she said she was already working on the course final assignment - a small paper we students had to make for our course final grade. I had no idea what i was going to write about, and started panic so I e-mailed him and shared my thoughts. on the class after that e-mail he approached me after everyone else gone and told me he was very surprised to get my e-mail. I asked why and immediately added, 'is it the timing? well, I got stressed, Im sorry' and he said yes, and again said 'I was surprised... but as i wrote to you...' and started talking about the topic of my e-mail. when I got home I read his response and he said there that my ideas are good but I need to focus. Than started two different currents - one in classes and the other through e-mails. in class he kept looking intensely, kept looking at me while speaking as if Im his supervisor, searched my approvals and even provoked me if I was dreaming or not participating and talkative. in e-mails he was supportive, telling me my ideas are great but didnt focus me properly with suggestions or reading sources (I had earlier experience with academic teachers focusing me - D's way was not the simplest or most plain one). then one day in class he said he can guide me and help me. because I saw he did nothing to guide me through his e-mails I thought maybe the best thing to do is talk to him - maybe he is more sharp verbally. So I stayed there (it was after class) and waited other students to leave. when the last student left the class D yawned, then went to the other side of the room and took a sit there, as if I was contagious with some disease. I asked if he prefers doing this talk on e-mails or in other time but he ignored and just looked at me. we talked about the subject of my assignment, I tried to focus him on the things I need some help with but he didnt try to focus me back with questions, didnt reflect anything I said and became involved only when I said personal things. It seems that at the start he didnt want to be there but than he wasn't trying to bring the talk to an end. when I made sounds of 'well...' (meaning, conversation is over) he started: 'well, on the other hand...' and then looked at me again as if I'm supposed to know what he means. towards the end of that talk we were sitting there looking at each other and saying nothing, until I said again well.... and got up. I became quite confused - and I got no help with my paper. so after few days I wrote to him again, saying the conversation was of no help to me, putting the blame on myself. he didnt answer and apologized on the next lesson, in front of the class; he said: dont angry at me... I said i'm not angry... than he answered but it all was very messy, conceptual and blurred. I ignored him in classes and he was also ignoring me, except one time he talked about the assignment and asked us students to share our subjects ot thoughts, and i said I said that the subject is very emotional and its hard to say which part is personal and which part is academic, and he said that it's surprising him that I say that and that he relates to what I say. after that I wrote to him again that Im confused and I don't know what is the source of my confusion, is it the subject or him. then on the last class I was late, and he was speaking to the class and when I came in he's voice was trembling and his face changed expression - he looked distressed, he even reached his shirt collar as if he needs more air. after a minute he stopped talking as if he isn't concentrate. it never happened to him before. after that class we had to mark in the presence list and he gave me his pen, approached me to show me my name (cause I couldnt find it) and whem I walked out I heard him talking to other student, telling him: I'm with you, don't worry' Im with you. because that student wasn't saying anything I assumed D himself was out of focus. I had the feeling he was looking at me but I didn't have the guts to look back.he answered my mail in a very general, even philosophical way. I still needed guidance with my paper (until then I had 2 pages from a book he copied for me, but no other reading source). I asked him, a week before the deadline, to speak to him on the phone. he answered he is busy with some seminars he's about to participate, 'but lets try to talk on the weekend', attached the programs of those seminars and wrote - 'for your general education'. He didnt answer my phone on the weekend and didn't call back. I wrote the paper, and went to one of the seminars. I approached him after his lecture and it was again the same way - he was looking at me, saying nothing or asking stupid questions ("did you finish your academic obligations? i mean, the official ones") and left only after I myself said 'well, see you'.Because of his passive behavior I always forcing him - to stay, to talk to me, to ask me and show interest. Because of that passiveness I couldn't ant can't tell now if he was interested. I know even if he was, a relationship with such character is very hard and frustrating, but i'm not sure I myself want a relationship. but even if all I want is a short flirt, how can I tell if he was attracted to me or was just being nice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Thanks LittleMissy for your comment. It's really important for me to know how this situation looks like in the eyes of someone who isn't me.
A
female
reader, LittleMissy  +, writes (19 May 2011):
Sorry he doesn't sound interested in you at all. No more than a lecturer is interested in his students anyway. You sound to be kind of stalking him, which is not good.
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