A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am going a bit crazy with this so I hope someone will be able to offer some insight.I met a guy through a family member about a month ago, he's going through a divorce at the moment and it wasn't a "set up". He asked for my number, but I assumed it was more of a friendly thing because I'm new to the area and my brother in law was trying to introduce me to new people, not so much dates. He texted me after he got home, it was very late and I mentioned that we should do something sometime, but not as a "date" date. Stupid I know, I just didn't want to risk rejection so early on and I had been drinking. But I am definitely interested and tried to recover from that comment a few weeks later. Anyway, we've been texting and emailing since then, he was always very flirty and both us of joked around with some sexually suggestive comments. I got the ball moving by mentioning in a text that if he wasn't interested in taking me out, maybe he knew someone who would be? I was half serious, but he said "I'm not huh?" and said that he'd just been busy. We hung out a few days later, not exactly a date but we spent the majority of the day together driving out of town to pick something up and I thought we had a good time. The night before he had told me something that no one else knows about him and he had opened up to me before about his ex. The day of our outing he joked around and teased me (never in a mean way), remembered little details about me from previous conversations, talked about a lot of concerts that are coming up and card parties that his friends sometimes have, but never actually asked if I'd like to go sometime. I may have mentioned somewhere along the way that I wasn't really looking for a relationship, but I was referring to my cousin trying to introduce me to someone. Later, I jokingly brought up that at least we weren't talking about sex (the usual topic of our text conversations) and he said we could talk about that, but I thought he was kidding so I didn't go with it. I think I may have blew my chances because after that day we pretty much stopped texting, unless I needed to ask a question or something, but not nearly what it was like before. Cut to right now. I inadvertently crossed the line the other day, over text OF COURSE, and he was pretty irritated with what I said. It was in regards to his ex-wife and setting an example for his kids (HORRIBLE). I apologized and said I didn't mean to insult or offend him, he didn't respond so I sent an email the next morning and he wrote back later that night saying he was fine, not mad and that "I don't mind talking to you and have opened up to you but didn't ask for what happened yesterday". That "I don't mind" part is really killing me now, like he was only doing me some kind of favor by talking to me in the first place. I should mention that the majority of the time I contacted him first, but he was the one that invited me out the day of our drive. I wrote back that I appreciated him opening up to me but that "I don't mind" doesn't sound too good and that I think I'll just leave you alone and if you want to talk, great, if not at least I know I'm not bothering you. Now things are weird, he still hasn't responded to that last email and I have a feeling he never will. I'm sure I'll run into him again, he's very close to my family, but now I just feel like a giant butthead and I'm still wondering if he was ever really interested in the first place? If anyone reads this, please please please tell me how I should handle this situation. Do I just tell him how I feel and hope for the best, or just act like everything's fine and like I'm not interested anyway? He might not have even been sure of how I felt in the first place, what with my statements and not being very receptive. Any insight is greatly appreciated!
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cousin, divorce, ex-wife, flirt, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Divorce is one of the most painful things a person can go through. Even if you WANT the divorce and feel glad to be ending a relationship, it is a HUGE LOSS AND STRESS.
It does not sound like your freind has really gone thru the emotional work of putting his soon to be PAST LIFE to rest before thinking about a possible FUTURE.
He may just be looking for a FWB and you might be sending him some mixed signals.
Then you touched on a touchy subject for him and understandably so! His soon to be exwife and family are still VERY much a part of his presence. A word to the wise, never counsel another parent on ANYTHING with their children unless ASKED for your opinion or if you are ON the parenting TEAM. (IE, helping them raise the kids).
You apologized and I believe sincerely. You did an oops, recognized it and tried to set it right. Now, back off and let him sort out his life. He may have realized his is not ready for a female freind (platonic or FWB) and is sorting out what he wants.
He may have genuinely been interested in YOU and enjoyed the flirting. Divorces make you feel like you lost your attraction to others. It would be nice to have a lovely young woman dote some attention and laughs on him.
Divorce scrambles your brain and heart and it takes awhile to sort out what you want for yourself in your new life.
My personal future advice: NEVER date a man who is going THRU a divorce. Wait until he has settled way past a year of his seperation and has acclimated to his new life. Most men who are either still in the process or shortly after the papers are signed are just looking for fun/f*ck buddy again. They are NOT emotionally available.
If you are genuinely interested..back off and give him his space. If HE is genuine interested, he will pick up and state what he wants. I man who really WANTS you, isnt going to LET you get away.
I have a feeling you that you had a hesitation in the beginning when he first asked you out, because you mentioned you did not want to risk rejection. That may have been that quiet,inner voice saying..."Hmmm, maybe I need to be cautious about getting involved."
Best Wishes.
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