A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I (I'm 23, he is 26) had been together for 3 1/2 years and he broke up with me a few weeks ago. We were each others first loves. It's kinda a long story... We had been dating and he went to the UK for work/travel in 2006 (he has a British Passport). I finished studying and joined him in 2007, and we lived together for the first time. It was hard at times; because I had a holiday maker visa, the work I could do was restricted, so there were periods we struggled with only his wage. He already had a lot of friends there whereas he was literally the only person I knew when I came over. Anyway, we were enjoying each other as well, loved each other and I thought we were becoming stronger as a couple. About 2 months ago I had to leave my job as the time I was permitted to work overseas for had run out. For us to stay together, we would have to come home or get married, so I could be a dependent on my boyfriend's passport. Well he was working on his career, and aiming to stay long enough to gain citizenship, so coming home wasn't an option for him. We actually talked about marriage, and it seemed to be the perfect solution. But then, it hit me that at this stage, it woudn't be a "real" marriage - not with the romantic proposal, the wedding, the dress, none of the things I would want! My boyfriend was having second thoughts, and he told me that he loves me but didn't want us to get married. And said that if he doesn't want to get married, it must mean that he doesn't want to marry ME, and that he needs independence, freedom, and time do things for himself etc... I was so angry and hurt but I couldn't exactly force him to marry me, and there were no other options.It was hard but we made the best of our last few days together and I came home. We still have talk, he cares me about me and even accidently calls me "honey" stil when we speak, and says he misses me, but "it is how it is". Could this be that the whole marriage thing be a major fear of commitment, that everything was going too fast and too soon? Or shall I just cut ties completely with him and forget? I love him and miss him so much.
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (19 December 2008):
 I was sad for you when I saw your story as you must be in a lot of pain. Men say things in a very hurtful way sometimes. I am quite sure that he cares about you. This is one of those occasions when you are to be tested and it happens in all relationships. It is much better that he has been honest.
The talk of marriage as a practical solution to your joint problem and your expression of regret at the lack of romance has maybe made him think more deeply. Many men get scared at the mention of it. My own man has spoken about it but when I mentioned it myself he asked if was trying to trap him. We aren’t even exactly young. We got back together after 28 years and were first loves – love each other deeply still now, hope that is not depressing! Actually I don’t care if I don’t get married.
You have to keep your nerve. I know you are the one who’s out of balance in that you love him more at the moment than he loves you. Start building your life and meeting people. Don’t let him think you would drop it all to be with him, it makes it too easy. Men are also attracted to situations where they have to work for something they want. Everyone is. “When there’s cookies in the jar who wants cookies?”
Get out of your jar. If he mentions a maybe again, tell him “The doubts around our relationship made me realise I wouldn’t want to settle for things as they were and so right now I intend to work on being independent”.
Other than that give yourself a break from the contact. If he does want to find you he will and maybe…you might still be interested. On the other hand you may have met another. Please make sure he proves his worth. If he finds out that you are dating he may make a move out of jealousy but it does not mean he will be your long term boyfriend.
You need to get a bit of say back and a bit of power. You have years ahead and every day could be your day to contact him again. Sadly you need to grasp the pain of the loss and he needs to feel how it is to be really without you. At the moment while he still has contact he is keeping you on a string. I am sure he feels quite confident that you would run back at the drop of a heat. You don’t need to be unfriendly about it but you can’t force him to be with you. Nothing you do will make a difference except perhaps removing yourself. If you do that and he does not respond in future he never would have anyway but at least you would be moving ahead.
Go quiet for a while and see what happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): I was sad for you when I saw your story as you must be in a lot of pain. Men say things in a very hurtful way sometimes. I am quite sure that he cares about you. This is one of those occasions when you are to be tested and it happens in all relationships. It is much better that he has been honest.
The talk of marriage as a practical solution to your joint problem and your expression of regret at the lack of romance has maybe made him think more deeply. Many men get scared at the mention of it. My own man has spoken about it but when I mentioned it myself he asked if was trying to trap him. We aren’t even exactly young. We got back together after 28 years and were first loves – love each other deeply still now, hope that is not depressing! Actually I don’t care if I don’t get married.
You have to keep your nerve. I know you are the one who’s out of balance in that you love him more at the moment than he loves you. Start building your life and meeting people. Don’t let him think you would drop it all to be with him, it makes it too easy. Men are also attracted to situations where they have to work for something they want. Everyone is. “When there’s cookies in the jar who wants cookies?”
Get out of your jar. If he mentions a maybe again, tell him “The doubts around our relationship made me realise I wouldn’t want to settle for things as they were and so right now I intend to work on being independent”.
Other than that give yourself a break from the contact. If he does want to find you he will and maybe…you might still be interested. On the other hand you may have met another. Please make sure he proves his worth. If he finds out that you are dating he may make a move out of jealousy but it does not mean he will be your long term boyfriend.
You need to get a bit of say back and a bit of power. You have years ahead and every day could be your day to contact him again. Sadly you need to grasp the pain of the loss and he needs to feel how it is to be really without you. At the moment while he still has contact he is keeping you on a string. I am sure he feels quite confident that you would run back at the drop of a hat. You don’t need to be unfriendly about it but you can’t force him to be with you. Nothing you do will make a difference except perhaps removing yourself. If you do that and he does not respond in future he never would have anyway but at least you would be moving ahead.
Go quiet for a while and see what happens.
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