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female
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anonymous
writes: I was cheated on relentlessly by my boyfriend who I went out with between the age of 17 and 21. He lied constantly and i caught him with other girls on a few occasions - stupidly i kept taking him back because it was a bad time of my life and i adored him.Anyway - I'm now 26 and I think I've met the most amazing guy who I've been seeing for about 9 months. My problem is that I just cannot shake my insecurities and paranoia that he is cheating on me (or that he will do as soon as i turn my back) which I think stem from that previous relationship. My current boyf did lie to me about meeting up with his ex in the early days but he says he always tells me the truth now. He is a terrible flirt and girls love him.He caught me looking on his phone at his text messages and I felt really stupid and awful especialyl as he was so forgiving and said it must be because i love him. I jsut can't help myself and the feeling that i want to catch him out and not be made a fool of again. I even want to look in his emails. To top it all off- my parents are about to get divorced and I think it's mainly because of my mums insecurities and I don't want to follow in the same footsteps and end up with a failed relationship.I'm so fed up with feeling so insecure and having this monopolise my thoughts and mking me feel sick all the time! I just want to switch it off now - it's not that easy though. I've written lists about why i should / don't trust him and i try to think postively but the negative bad thoughts always win over.I don't know what to do or how to make it stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for these (very quick) responses - they've already helped me today and i'm going to try really hard to be more confident and to drop the baggage. It's nice just to feel supported actually. Thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2006): Maybe you are in a new relationship before you are ready?
I have been in your situation so can empathise with you fully.
But, there really must come a point where you "drop" your emotional baggage, the pain, anger, insecurity and all that someone has caused you and literally, move on without it.
This will free you from your past burdens, and allow you to live again, looking to the future positively and without baggage that will eventually destroy your relationship.
You sound like quite a self aware person, you've identified a lot, such as your mother, and not wishing to be like her. Now you HAVE to take the next step and NOT be like her. Plenty of people wish not to be certain characters, but they dwell and get stuck at this point and never actually free themselves from their predicament - they end up being the people they never wanted to be.
You CAN move on by positively asserting to yourself that the guy you are with now is NOT the guy you used to be with.
With love comes risk, but it's worth it, isn't it? It must be, otherwise you wouldn't be in a relationship now.
You say it is not that easy to "switch it off". But it is - you just need the strength to believe it. You are in control of your life, your feelings and emotions. Only you can change how you think.
Don't allow someone in your past to ruin your future. He cheated on you, lied to you, hurt you - he must have a lot of issues himself. So why let him damage you? Don't. You're not damaged. Forgive him for what he has done, and look to the future. Show to yourself that you arn't going to let what happened in the past dictate how you are going to be in the future!
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (4 September 2006):
 I think the best way to overcome insecurities is to feel confident in your own skin. If you demonstrate a confidence that no matter if your mate is faithful to you or not, you will not be effected one way or the other. If you exude confidence, your mate may feel a little intimidated and find you to be so appealing that they won't even think about straying. Try it. Walk around with your head high, like the world is your oyster. Nothing can stop you. That's the attitude you need to project. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (4 September 2006):
 I think what you have to remember is that no matter how irrational these feelings may seem to you they stem from your very real experiences and you have to recognise that for human beings experience is a very powerful learning tool. These feelings obviously stem from your past but also your fears are fuelled by your bfs flirtatious behaviour. You shouldn't castigate yourself for feeling this way - its a natural response to your past and to a degree your current circumstances.
I would tend to think that the only way to get over this is that it will take time and the gradual 'overwriting' of your negative experiences with positive ones. Have you talked to your bf about how your feeling and why you are feeling this way?? If you havent then that *may* be something you want to explore, hopefully he would respond appropiately and seek to take extra steps to reassure you although you should prehaps be aware that there is a risk he will not respond that way, having said that 9 months is a long time and it does seem like the relationship could be at a stage where your bf would be willing to take on board your fears and try and soothe them.
Other than that professional counselling maybe an option or alternatively it may help if you work on your self-image. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Take care.
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