A
male
age
36-40,
*r.J
writes:Hi everyone.Here goes. I broke up with my girlfriend ~1 month ago. We are both university students. She is an undergraduate student and I am a graduate student; I work full-time all year and I get 3 weeks off. We had been dating for 14 months. Everything was going superb for the first 8 months until the summer came and we both started working full-time. I knew she had family and friend problems, but she never let them affect our relationship. Then, she completely changed her attitude. She became very selfish, rude, manipulative, and aggressive. She kept fighting with her family and friends. The problem is that she never wanted to get help and improve her situation; I felt that she was taking it out on me. At first, I tried to help her find solutions but couldn't force them upon her. Eventually, I started to become very stressed and fight with her regularly. I kept telling her how I was feeling progressively worst, and she kept saying that she would change. Eventually, she even refused to scratch my back, which is something that I have always enjoyed since I was little. She even pressured me to seek a psychologist because apparently I didn't get over my mother's death since I still liked getting my back scratched and it wasn't her "duty" to scratch me (she's a psychology major). I actually did see a psychologist once out of love for her. I felt like crap because there is nothing wrong with me! Is is a crime to express a little physical affection? All animal species do it!! I'm a biologist. That was a red flag. What bothered me was that she was arrogant enough to tell me what to feel. I didn't ask her for a threesome or anal sex. Maybe she cheated on me during the summer and regretted it by attacking me? Anyways, during the holidays, she didn't want to come by the house with my family because "she wasn't in the mood." My sister asked her as a special favour. When she did come, she din't speak. She made me feel like shit. Finally, one day, she got mad because my dad and I did an activity that she wanted to do with me first. At this instance, I was so stressed that I started to feel physical pain; I had a sore stomach and heart palpitations. I felt the same way as when my mother died of cancer. I told her but instead of just shutting the f*ck up, she argued with me! At that point, I knew she was going to kill me in the long run so I broke up. Finally, after a few days, she came unannounced to my place wanting to get back together; she said that she was going to change and seek professional help because "I was worth it." She tried to have sex, but I refused. I threatened to call the police. When she left, I cried a lot. As a scientist, I am very logical. However, love is emotional. I was conflicted because I wanted to believe her so much but her actions spoke differently. In the end, I used reason, but it still hurts. She told me that she loves me, but it was absurd: how can you love someone if you make them physically sick? My first girlfriend was like that AND she hit me. It sounds stupid because I'm 6'3", 210 lbs; I do olympic weightlifting. But I still can't hit a woman. I always treated women like ladies (otherwise, my Irish mother would smack me lol). Do women think that sensitive, loyal, and respectful men who emotionally open up are weak and thus deserve to be treated like a doormat? I always thought that a strong man is a man who cares for people he loves and treats women with respect, not some loud-mouth douchebag. Thank you for your time. I know it is a long post. I greatly appreciate it.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (26 February 2013):
Seems only logical to break up with someone like this and it seems like the right thing to do in my opinion. You tried your best and in the end she did not deserve someone like you. Go figure, all women have different morals and such so careful to not judge all women based on the actions of an immature one.
I think it is more than enough at this point and you don't need to analyse the past situations for hidden meanings or justification of her actions. Focus on the next phase on your life. Give yourself a lot of time and find some things to do to take your mind off this. I'm sure you can find time. Meet up with friends and go out. All the best to you.
A
male
reader, Mr.J +, writes (26 February 2013):
Mr.J is verified as being by the original poster of the question@First female anonymousThank you for taking the time of answering me back. However, your answer is absurd because you're practically dismissing most of what I said, cherry-picking specific sentences, and reconstructing an entire new story. 1) For 6 months, I tried to help and TOLD her how her behaviour was affecting me emotionally; I did not bottle up as you stated. In a relationship, one should be able to talk and the other listen. She was selfish for not listening and caring about feelings. There is so much a human being can take.2) What about her making feel bad during the holidays with my family because "she wasn't in the mood?" That is being very selfish.3) What about her stopping and making me feel bad for waiting to get my back scratched? To point of convincing that there is something "wrong" with me? I went to see a psychologist out of love for her. This is abuse. 4) Yes. I she did come to my house. We talked, but she tried to have sex thinking that I would take her back. She was not trying to "patch things up". Instead, she was trying to let sex cloud my judgement. BIG DIFFERENCE! Hence, I threaten to call the police if she did not stop. 5) What about my first girlfriend striking me? You're silent about this. 6) Yes, I know that I am a nice guy; I know who I am and realized that, men or women, abusers will always try to make you feel less valued. I know my worth; I always respected her and watched my tone, rarely let a bad day affect a date, and was always clear about my emotions. 7) Yes, if someone truly loves you, and you're physically in pain because of their behaviour, they should 100% "shut the f*ck up" instead of arguing and making it worst. That is extraordinary selfishness. In conclusion. thank you for your time, but I question your integrity; you seem to be a feminist apologist. Men are always at fault and women can't possibly be oppressor. Or maybe because you're too young.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): You brought up the possibility of her having an affair in the summer when her attitude changed. That stuck out in my head. Because for someone to suddenly, out of the blue, change how they treat you, it could be out of guilt.As far as the doormat scenario, I don't know about that. I noticed a few angry statements you made, such as expressing that she should "shut the fuck up," and threatening to call the police on her just because she was trying to patch things up and be affectionate toward you. I mean, really? That's harsh. Nice guys don't do that. I suspect you try to or want to be the "nice" guy at the cost of bottling up your true emotions until you eventually explode. That's not healthy. I mean, who are you really? Nice guys don't threaten the police on their girlfriends or use vulgar language toward their girlfriends. I don't think you are channeling your anger appropriately. It is okay to be angry and express it and not always be the nice guy. But you have to do so appropriately. Talk things out at the moment when they are bothering you, don't just wait and put off your feelings. Cause then you go from a nice guy to a monster, and pull a Jekyll and Hyde. Furthermore, you shouldn't pigeon-hole yourself into one category. You have to accept that you are human and humans have an array of emotions and characteristics. I hope I don't offend you when I say this, but I personally am weary of self-proclaimed "nice" guys. Just like when a girl tells a guy that she is a "nice" virginal girl. Often times it means she is the complete opposite. People who are what they are and feel confident about it don't try hard to prove it. And to answer your question on whether you did the right thing, I think so. The relationship was making you miserable and apparently her too. You guys need to cool off, take time to think, work on yourselves and find happiness alone. If the love is genuine you will find each other again and work through it.
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A
male
reader, Mr.J +, writes (26 February 2013):
Mr.J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add: I feel really bad that she has problems, but I think that it is not an excuse to have treated me like. This is like an abusive husband coming back from a hard day at home and treat his family like shit to relax. I think that it is cowardice. What do you think?
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