A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are expecting our first child. I'm five months pregnant. The last couple months, since I've been showing, my husband hasn't been as interested in sex. Most of the time we do, I have to ask for it or he initiates early in the morning for a quickie; either way, I can't orgasm because it lasts for such a short time. Sometimes when I ask, he turns me down and gives me excuses that he's tired, yet he goes out for a run or stays up late and watches TV. When I ask and we do have sex, it's cause I've made a big deal about it for a week. Lately, I've been asking him why he isn't as interested. He said sometimes in relationships, sex ebbs and flows. He doesn't really say anything beyond that, and it's obvious he's uncomfortable because he tries to change the subject. I ask if it's because I'm pregnant and he says no. He tells me that I'm beautiful, yet he's overall less affectionate, less cuddly, unless I initiate. (He used to not be able to keep his hands off me.) At one time, I thought he might be cheating, but there's no evidence that points to that. (No computer/phone/text correspondence suggest that.) The only indication that tips me off to that idea is that he's become obsessed with exercising and looking good. I asked him why he's suddenly preoccupied, and he just said he wants to look good and meet his goal of loosing some weight. (He's always been active, so it's not incredibly surprising, but he's become more preoccupied since we've had less sex.) I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm beginning to feel more and more distant from him sexually. We do spend much of our weekends together, mostly running errands, etc. It's not like we don't have a friendship in-tact, but romantically, our relationship is in a rut. I've talked to him multiple times the last month about it, and he can't really give me a straight answer as to why he's been this way. He just says that sex ebbs and flows in a relationship and leaves it at that. What the hell does that mean? I've been so stressed out lately, loosing sleep, crying when I'm alone. I just want to feel desired again. I know our lives are going to be more stressful after the baby; I just want to enjoy this time when it's still just us. I'd love to be more adventurous sexually again...I keep trying to rekindle a spark between us, but he's not very responsive. What do you think is going on with him that he won't tell me? What can I do to fix this? (FYI - I've asked for advice before regarding this. Just wondering if anyone has any new suggestions or answers.)
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I think it is because you are pregnant. He is a man, though, and it is totally natural for him to avoid talking about it and deny what he thinks is an unfair reason, but which he feels nonetheless.
The deeper his feeling about this, the less likely he will be to share it with you. I know some men can talk, but the norm is not liking to talk about things like this ... most men just aren't comfortable with it, and as they only usually do what they feel ok with, they just don't talk if they don't want to.
I think firstly you need to stop expecting him to explain, because he won't - it would be cruel to make him when he clearly just can't. Personally I think you should take the pressure off him about this, but I know that is slightly dangerous, because once you get into not having sex, it is harder to get it going again.
The sad, and frustrating, thing is that you can't make him want it. I think you really do just have to back off and be grateful for the closeness you do have. Even say ok, you don't want sex, but it is so nice to snuggle up ... etc. Make sure that at least you don't lose the physical closeness - just accept you aren't getting the sex for the moment. And hopefully after the baby is born and it all calms down, he will feel better and want it again. He probably will. And remember that men respond to your cycle and hormones and when you are fertile, but at the moment you aren't giving off those vibes - that can affect things.
Don't worry. This time next year you'll have a baby and it will probably be all different.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 some men just don't want to have sex with a pregnant lady
they think their penis will hit the baby or the baby can see it... it's not rational but it's their fear and they don't know how to cope.
I think you need to take care of your own needs sexually and leave him be.... you have talked and talked to him about it... but he's clearly not able to tell you what it is...
sadly if it continues AFTER the baby is born then you have a mandonna whore problem.... men who can't manage to have sex with mothers.... they see you as a mom... and then not as their wife...
it's not rational but it's what it is..
if you have not asked him if he's afraid to hurt the baby... ask him that... if he says yes.. time for a field trip to the gyn with you.... the doctor can explain to him why he can't hurt the baby.
Old Jewish saying
int he first three months of pregnancy sex is good for the baby
in the second three months it's good for the mommy
and in the last three months it's good for everybody!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, the pregnancy was planned. We had been trying to have a baby a year before we got married. Eventually, we decided to get married last year, and right away, I got pregnant. Overall, he's very excited about the pregnancy. He takes pics of my belly every week and shows his co-workers and friends. He's happy to talk about the nursery plans, and is eager to find ways of saving money with baby stuff. On an everyday dialog, we do seem to get along. He's just not interested in being intimate and won't tell me why. Since I've been making a big deal about wanting more sex, he's been making himself less available, but he's not ignoring me completely. We have lunch together and talk throughout the day. Again, I'm upset because our sex life has gone down hill and anytime I want to talk about that, he wants to avoid the subject. I keep asking if it's because of the pregnancy or my big belly, and he keeps saying no. I just wish he could tell me what's going on, so at the very least, I understand, but he won't. I just feel like I'm exhausting every avenue, opening a dialog about my feelings and desires, attempting to turn him on in various ways, but I keep getting no where.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
you got pregnant right after getting married. I assume this was not a planned pregnancy...
is he not really happy about the baby?
I sense he's feeling trapped and tricked.....
not saying that's what you did.... but it may be how he feels....
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I did have another talk with him, explaining that I haven't had an orgasm during sex in a month. The thing is, he wasn't this way with me before the pregnancy. However, I got pregnant a week after we got married, so maybe that's also a link. He used to incorporate more foreplay and oral sex. Generally, he was more playful and because we had sex much more frequently (5-6 times/week averaging), so he would last much longer. When I did speak with him last night, he first said, "Wow, you put so much emphasis on sex." I don't understand that comment because our sex life has been healthy up to this point in our relationship. He agreed that he would make some time to give me more attention, but we'll see. He's said that the last few months, and it hasn't come to fruition. He's been setting up his schedule recently so we don't spend as much time together. This selfishness, if that's what it is, just came out since the pregnancy. I just don't understand why he doesn't come out and tell me what's going on. He just avoids the conversation as much as possible. It's really upsetting to me, because not only do I feel a decline in our sex life, but also in our communication. It's a terrible thing to admit, but I've been so sad since I've been pregnant. We don't share common activities together (because they're physical, which I can't do now); we barely have sex anymore; we see each other less and he's not communicating to me as to why he's been so distant.Anyways, thank you for giving me some insight. I'm still not sure really what to do though but keep communicating and see if changes happen.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Your followup indicates to me that your husband is most likely a very selfish lover. Has he always been this way?
I think you need to sit down and talk with your husband and let him know that sexually you are being let down. Tell him you need him and haven't had an orgasm in a while. Explain to him your frustrations -- in plain English. Do it in a gentle, yet assuring way... you need him.
I don't know of too many men who will knowingly let their women down -- especially in the sex department. Men have a certain machismo in knowing and assuming that their woman is satisfied. If you play to this trait, and he is the man you think you married, he will play into it.
If he doesn't respond, then I think we know what kind of man you married: a selfish one. From your post and followups (I seem to recall your first post as well) your man could just be a lazy lay -- and there isn't much you can do about it. If that is truly the case, you may want to seek out a sex therapist.
Hopefully this isn't the case.
I think you are due to have a heart-to-heart with your husband -- and soon.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Just because he won't have sex with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. When my wife was pregnant, it was very difficult for me to want to have sex with her for multiple reasons: 1) I was afraid I would hurt the baby. 2) I got extremely bored with months missionary sex that lasted ~8 minutes. 3) the further along she got, the weirder and more psychological it got for me, around 5 months it almost felt incestuous to be having sex with her with our baby's head right there in the "happy place". 4) This one will sound childish, but the weird oozy white discharge that was constantly coming out of her Va-jay-jay really turned me off - Sorry for the TMI there, just trying to be honest and give you a male perspective.I still loved her dearly, and continue to. I definitely masturbated a lot because I have a high sex drive that I needed to suppress, since it was difficult for me to bring myself to always want intercourse for the reasons I just stated. Unfortunately, I believe she saw my lack of interest in sex with her and masturbation as signs that I was having an affair. Something I would never even consider, it's just not in my character. Please, don't assume that he is straying just because he isn't interested in sex with you right now! It's just that for men, pregnancy can be just as weird of a time psychologically and emotionally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNumerous times, I've tried dressing sexy, making him a special meal, offering up massages, but it never leads to sex. He does take me up on most bj offers, but then it never turns into sex, or any foreplay on his part, nor any cuddling. He usually falls asleep right after, or if in the morning, goes to work. Many times when I dress sexy and we're at home, he just tells me to change and get comfortable or that he's too tired, or if I'm dressed sexy when we're out grabbing a bite to eat, he makes a big deal that I'm too provocative.I've suggested a little getaway somewhere, especially before the baby is born, but he'd rather plan a weekend with the guys because he says he won't have many of those after the baby is born, and we'll have plenty of family time then. I told him couple time is really important to me, and he said we'll make time once a month for that after the baby comes. He's fine with occasionally going out to dinner here and there, but when we get home, he just wants to watch tv or fall asleep. We've talk often about my ever-changing body, the excitement about the baby coming, plans of the nursery, budgets etc. He's very participatory when it comes to those conversations and knows that we're a team. He enjoys taking pics of my belly (clothes on) and showing his coworkers and friends. Overall, I think he's proud to become a father. Over the last month, I've had many conversations about our sex-life with him. As I mentioned before, he's uncomfortable talking about it and often tries to change the subject. However, after we do talk, it's usually a couple days later that we have sex, but he doesn't last long enough for me to orgasm, and doesn't make much of an effort in foreplay to get me off. He does realize I don't orgasm, and just says that he'll get me off next time, but then we don't have sex for another week or so and the cycle starts all over again...next time...next time. I feel like a broken record bringing this up to him repeatedly, but I'm frustrated that I've clearly expressed myself and nothing's come of it. On one end, he's being a "good provider" (even though I work too and split the bills 50/50). He occasionally buys me things, and takes me out for a bite, but he's lost interest in being intimate. I've tried so many things to make this work, but we're just in this loop, and I'm not happy. I know our lives are about to change by becoming a family, but I still want to experience a little sexy, couple time.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (26 February 2013):
What more of an explanation do you need? He told you that he really hasn't been in the mood of late... he gave you an answer and you didn't like it. So immediately you think there is another problem.
Yes, sex does ebb and flow. Even us guys who are usually ready to go at a drop of a hat go through phases. Women go through the same thing too... Sexual chemistry is always a variable -- especially in marriages and double that variance during pregnancy.
However, there are things you can do to remedy the situation.
1) Seduce your husband. Dress up, make the bedroom inviting, make him a nice dinner. Women have so much power in the relationship in terms of sex and often they fail to use it. You may want to read "Woman Power" by Dr Laura Schlessinger.
2) Go on a mini getaway. If you have the ability go someplace for a long weekend. Go someplace where he can go running or jump into a race. Cheer him on but make sure there is an element of romance. Hotel sex is always exciting and new.
3) Understand that your body and emotions are going through huge changes. Sometimes that can be scary for men. You embody the changes that are to come soon (especially if this is your first child)... and he may be dealing with his fears through exercise. You may want to huddle and talk about the things that are coming and reiterate to one another that you are a team.
4) Tell your husband that you need him and you feel neglected. Married couples must recognize their duty to sexually fulfill their mates. He may need a gentle reminder that he is your lover and husband.
I urge you take some sort of action -- wishing it will get better will not help you in the long run.
Eddie
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