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anonymous
writes: I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. Fortunately that ended and I moved on with my life. Since then I have been in a relationship with the most incredible man. We live together and have been involved for a year. We have spoken about sharing the rest of our lives together and he is everything I could ever dream of. I love him more than I can ever express and I know without any doubt he loves me just as much. So that all sounds fantastic, but here's the problem: When we argue (as I believe all normal couples do) our fights become physical but this time I am the abuser!!! Just saying it makes me sick to my stomach but I have on several occasions hit him repeatedly and when he has tried to restrain me I have become even more physically abusive. The fact that I was abused does not justify what I now do, NOTHING justifies that and NOTHING excuses it. Why do I do this to the person I love most? I am not an abusive person in general, only with him. Initially when I hit him he would try and restrain me until I calmed down. But lately he has started retaliating (which I can understand). Our most recent fight happened a few nights ago. I was punching and hitting him and after taking all he could he slapped me. He's now having problems with himself and what he did. He is a HUGE, strong man and could easily hurt me really badly if he wanted to. I feel like my repeated abuse has driven him to this and I don't want to be the one who makes him doubt and question himself. I hate myself for what I do and swear everytime it will never happen again but I have become the very thing I despise most! And the cycle continues. Should I leave him, FOR HIS SAKE? I feel as if I'm destroying him by what I do and making him feel bad about HIMSELF for retaliating. Why do I hurt this amazing person? Why does he put up with it? How do I stop? How do I regain his trust and respect? And how do I ever forgive myself? PLEASE HELP! I have become the monster I hate. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2005): When you were with the abusive partner, did you retalliate then? If you did, and no one can blame you, it can be a way of protecting yourself.You are right, couples argue and thats normal, however the problem for you is that now when you get angry you hit out, not because you are you want to hurt your partner, but because you have no idea how else to deal with it, its the only way you know how.You dont say whether your current partner knows about the abuse you suffered in your previous relationship.Talk to him about it, explain that you dont want to do this but you cant seem to control your anger. Ask him to walk out if an argument ensues, that will give you some breathing space to calm down. Or even try this your self if you feel anger boiling walk out and calm yourself down.I am in no way condoning what you do, you know its wrong, i have been in the same predicament, believe me i know how you feel.Get some help, some counselling and some anger management, it truly helps. It will leave you better able to deal with situations, before they get out of control. When you have learnt to deal with this you will feel better about yourself as a person. You seem like agreat couple and would be a shame to let this come between you, however, if you do nothing about it and do not try to help yourself this realtionship will end, and the next one will be exactly the same.Maybe even ask your partner to attend these sessions with you, he can get some help, and learn how to support you in the right way.Good luck
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