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anonymous
writes: I am 28 and she is 19. Our Relationship lasted for 7 months.For the first few months we didn’t have sex. I wanted to strengthen our communication so we could get to know each other better so I told her I wanted to hold off on sex so it wasn’t a sexual foundation we built our relationship on. She obliged but always wanted it anyways. She has some major issues and insecurities with sex and relationships caused by a traumatic sexual experience when she was younger. We talked a lot about it and I did my best to understand her. I’m no angel though myself and would do things like show up late etc which really upset her and fed her insecurities. She said she felt like I wanted the relationship on my terms. I did the best I could to oblige her wishes and make her happy. She always asked me if she was beautiful and fished for complements, saying I never compliment her enough. I told her she was always asking me for them and never gave me the chance to on my own.At the time I didn’t have a phone so we would talk on messenger and I would see her at work every day when I went for my break. She works right beside where I do, and still does. She was always on me to get a phone.About half way through our relationship we started to have problems always arguing and I felt we were going back to issues I thought we had dealt with. I tried to keep our arguing at a talking level but we would always end up upset at which point I would close off and sometimes try to leave or end the conversation. When I tried to leave or suggest taking some time off she would get really upset crying and pleading me not to go. I never did leave. I want to make clear what my idea of time off is. Taking some time like a week to think and get our heads clear without seeing each other or other people. I started to get stressed out and avoid conversation with her. One night she started our messenger conversation with a negative tone and an argument at which I said I was taking some time off from her, and there was nothing she could say to change my mind about it. She cried and begged me not to go and in the end I stayed with her.The phone thing became a major issue for her and I started putting away money to get a cell phone. We didn’t have a lot of money and I found myself broke all the time cause we were going out and doing things. I tried to slow down on outings and keep it more at home but she always said she wanted to get out more with me. In an effort to save money we agreed that we wouldn’t celebrate every holiday with an outing or spending of money. This also included Valentines Day which we were going to spend together.We started having sex more frequently and she would ask me questions like is it the best sex you ever had and do I give the best head etc. I answered her truthfully, although I didn’t feel those questions were fair. The answers I gave her made her upset. The last day of our relationship we talked instead of arguing and I felt that we were making progress. I also had enough money to get the phone which we were going to do together on that Saturday. I decided on Friday to get her a valentine’s gift anyways to let her know that I cared.On Saturday she never showed. She sent me an email saying she was taking time off from me. I was insulted she couldn’t say it to my face or on messenger and mailed her back saying O.K. I took the gift back and never gave her anything for Valentine’s Day.A week went by and I found myself heart broken. We didn’t talk much during that week so I sent her an email saying I loved her and missed her and wanted to talk face to face. She said she wanted to as well and I went to see her the next day. We had a long talk about the relationship, what happened and what needed to change. We agreed to a casual dating arrangement and would see where it went from there. Then she told me that she had gone out for some drinks with this guy who works in the same building as me. She said he tried to sleep with her but she told him no and nothing happened. And that he was calling her all the time didn’t know how to get rid of him. She said she was going to tell him that we were back together. After that she wanted sex and I asked her if it was really what she wanted. She said yes and we did. She called it break up sex.The next day I went into her work and talked with her. That guy was there and she said she told him we were back together so to stop pursuing her. Then she told me that she lied to me and that she had slept with him, it was a mistake and she was sorry. I was upset about it but I love her and forgave her. She was relieved about that and we talked some more and made plans for that night.When I got to her house she was upset and crying and said we needed to talk. She said she loves me but needed to be alone to figure out if she wanted to be with me for love or cause she felt guilty about sleeping with the other guy. I was emotionally wrecked. I begged her not to but nothing I said changed her mind. She said she might loose the best thing that ever happened to her but she needed to be alone. I said OK and on my way out the door she asked me if this was the last time she would see me? I said I hope not.The next week I was going mental constantly thinking about her and needed to get it off my chest so I talked with some friends at work about the whole thing. Next thing I know there’s rumors’ going around that she slept with that guy who at that point I found out was married. She was pissed about it and sent me an email basically saying What the F***. I apologized and told her how it happened. And said I didn’t understand why we were putting distance between us if we loved each other we should work things out together and I needed to know if she wanted to be with me. Cause if she didn’t I needed to heal and move on. She said she loved me but needed to be alone, and if she wanted to date anyone it would be me.Now a month later she doesn’t talk to me at all. Puts off on going out for coffee when I ask, says she’s got a lot of thing going on right now and would like to but doesn’t know when she can. And when I go into her work she avoids eye contact and whispers and laughs with her coworker. I don’t know what is going on with her or if she is dating or whatever. Nor do I know what to do about it. I love her with everything I have and want her back but I get the feeling she hates me.What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, rena, writes (8 March 2005): You both obviously love each other a lot, even though the age diffrrence and her upsetting past. She's probably waiting for you to take control of the situation; rather than tell her how you feel, show her. This doesn't mean by sex or going out; do somthing inventive and original.I'm in a similar situation. I'm 21 and the guy I'm with is seven years older then me.I had a crush on him for ages and was unaware of his age and when I found out I didn't care. But relationships come in all packages. None is as straightforward or easy. I realised that.Be straightforward with her and tell her how you feel.She might not like what she hears, but at least you both know what to do to move forward.You can be understanding, considerate and all, but don't lose track of what you both benefit from with this relationship. Otherwise, don't make yourself depressed. Everything happens for a reason and life lessons are made; that makes you a wiser person on how to handle situations.
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