A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,To make this as short as possible, I was with my girlfriend for a year and I was a real jerk to her, I wasn't showing her love or caring for her most of the time.After 1 year I came to my senses and realized what a jerk I was and apologized and asked for her forgiveness and became the best boyfriend I could ever be with her. After 2 months I found out that she was talking to another guy and flirting with him and exchanging pics.She stopped talking to him after I found out and she really hates him now as he has confessed everything and she was lying all the time until I proved to her with evidence that she is lying.At this time I wasn't able to trust her again and told her that I can't trust her anymore and my feelings for her are mixed with hatred.It's now 4 months since we broke up and I feel that I came through it a lot and can start a new relationship with her again, that's not the problem, the problem is that she is afraid and not willing to try again and thinks that we're not good for each other and that we do fight a lot. She says that's her feelings not just towards me, but towards all men.I know in my guts that I can make it work and I do love her and want to forgive her as she did to me but she doesn't believe in that. At this time we're really good friends and we do talk almost daily but that's it, nothing more. She considers me as a friend but I need more than that.My life is really miserable, any advice would be really appreciated.Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Thank you for your answers.Do you think if I could stay friends with her and show her that I am willing to change and do everything for her that she MIGHT consider giving this relationship another chance?
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 Think of everything in a different light. When she says she hates all men, she really means she would love it if men behaved like . . . . I would say more consistent, loving, caring, men who can handle his own emotions, etc.
When she says she wants to be good friends, she means she wants to experience more fun times with you minus the arguing and tension. For a relationship to develop you need to respect each other as friends first.
As for the flirting with other guys you need to let that go because your relationship was never solid to begin with. I think you have a chance here because there is a lot of passion in this relationship, in other words you love each other so much you couldn't handle it. You also need to resist the urge of knowing what the future holds and just enjoy the present moment. Think of it as a blessing that you are still somewhat together. Because of your history with her you are never just friends. You are in a transitional period. Friends only mean let's go very slow. Anything can change all of a sudden when you both see the value in each other. Another tip would be stop reacting so much and just listen.
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A
female
reader, Margot56 +, writes (27 July 2011):
 This was a toxic, dyfunctional relationship. And you need to go it alone and someday, find someone better suited for you, but only after you learn something about conducting yourself in love relationships. Because in spite of all the unloving, uncaring things that happened between you both, you seem to believe that 'only she' has the power to make you happy. She doesn't...only you have the power to make you happy. So the best thing you can do...is do not contact her. Work through this co-dependancy you have and realize she is not a healing balm for your loneliness and suffering here.
I know you want her back. But she doesn't want that! And she told you why..."because she thinks you both are not good for each other. That's it in a nutshell. Leave her alone and try hard to work this through.
And remember....
"A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson"
You need to understand that your ex girlfriend wants this to end. She is battle-weary and she needs to heal. Now, you do the same and when you have recovered, go out and enjoy life and meet other people.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 If she doesn't think it could work, then you need to stop trying to get her back. You can't make it work if she's not willing to make it work. She feels strongly about this, so stop trying to change her mind and accept that the feelings aren't mutual. If you keep pushing this on her, you'll lose her as a friend also.
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