A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, id like advice or some help with my sister. We'll call her Kylie even though i know she isnt on this site. My sister and I are in a very weird ground in my own opinion though she probably sees it differently. Currently im 24 and she is 27 going onto 28. Im not entirely sure how to handle her anymore(not in we yell eachother kind of way)We love each other probably better than i would say most siblings. Even more than our half brother since when we were kids it was us two all the time. Though alot of things happen to my sister that i havent seen but only heard about through my other friends and family members.From what i know about my sister is she has dated a ton of guys trying desperately to look for "the one", my mother has said she has gone through a abortion, my best friend says she is scared of growing up alone. She dated a guy named Jon when i stared high school that i would say to be the turning pointing of her life. He got her into bad stuff and due to some gasline incident she doesnt like to talk about she ended up in the hospital i dont remember much but i do remember the smell of gasoline the night it happen. Im genuinely scared for her now.At one point in our lives she got into so much trouble she was sent out of our parents house to live with our aunt. And i know from that she kind of resent us of for it. She resent me specifically cause i never contacted her when she was gone.(i have always been bad at contacting people. I can go days with out a call or text to some one). As of late my sister is pretty much on the straight and narrow but i can feel this lingering sadness when i talk to her. Right now my sister the hardest person ive ever known to get in contact with. Its a gamble if she ever responds to text or calls. I could go weeks with out speaking to her or to get a response if i dont message again to get her attention. Sometimes i gotta spam her. Shes always being there for me as i am the little brother but im not sure who can be there for her and it hurts me that shes always there for me but she never comes to me with her problems.I dont know how to confront her about this. When it comes to problems with other people she is the best about but if probelms about me i can handle it fine. How do i help my sister? Please anything would be great even if its long term.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): You're welcome.
If you have a gut-feeling something is wrong; go visit, and try to reconnect. It's not always easy sharing the intimate details, or the nitty-gritty about your personal-life. Sometimes, you don't want to be a burden on anybody; especially, if they don't have any answers, or don't really know what to say or do. She also has some pride and dignity, and doesn't want your pity.
It may not be so much about your age, but she knows your experience may be somewhat limited. She may be maintaining some level of privacy about her problems and issues; and wants to avoid prejudgment, if she is often in some kind of a fix. That's why I said to be careful about how deep you dig. It might be more than you can deal with. You seem to be getting the news from the rest of the family; so she must be telling somebody. They're finding-out about what's happening somehow.
I wish you both the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2023): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the both of you, i appreciate the responses. Ill try and update you with some more information to clarify the situation.
Me and my sister currently do not live in the same state anymore. Back when covid hit i lost my job and moved out of state to find better work. Ive been meaning to leave for some time so i saw it as a good opportunity i didnt want to pass up.
I asked about my situation so i avoid becoming a rescuer. All i noticed was that my sister always help me when i need it but she never comes to me when she needs it and it makes me kinda feel lesser in the situation. Like the "little brother" and i get it, i am the little brother. Thought i dont want her as that as an excuse to not come to me for help. It feels like if she talks to me about her problem it would make her look bad in my eyes. And i dont care about that really. I just want to know whats going on in my sisters life and not knowing hurts and scares me more. I know shes fine right now in her life but i got that gut feeling thats something isnt right as of late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2023): Do you want to "help" your sister, or stay in closer contact with her? They aren't necessarily the same thing, and don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand. By that, I mean sometimes well-meaning siblings find themselves poking around in each-other's business; and it turns-out less appreciated than we think.
You say you get second-hand and third-hand news about your sister. This amounts to gossip, and not knowing the full truth, or all the dirty-details; you'll find yourself judging your sister, without knowing all the facts. It's an insult to come out of the blue with the first words out of your mouth being "I just heard that...; or, everybody is saying!" If she doesn't share it with you, it sometimes means it's none of your business. It's not necessarily your lack of contact; it's probably her choice to keep her personal-life to herself. She might be purposely avoiding contact; not just from you, but all of you. Unless she feels the need to come to you. You say you don't keep in touch enough; well, make sure you know when to keep your distance, because trouble wipes-off on you. You could be opening a can of worms!
If you really mean you just want her to open-up to you, and let you know when she needs your support; carefully follow the instructions that were given by Honeypie. You may want to visit her once in awhile, just to maintain social contact; but don't become a rescuer, because people sometimes become codependent, or become more reckless. They misuse "support" when they know they have an overly-sympathetic, or guilt-ridden, person as their safety net. You'll constantly be bailing her out of this or that. That's not support, it's not necessarily being helpful. It's adding complications to your own life. If your life is on-track, make sure you keep it that way. Know when you should backoff, and when to intervene. If she asks you to mind your on business; respect that request.
You know your sister is trouble-prone. Your not being there all the time is not necessarily the reason for that. Families should support each-other; as long as they know all the facts, and you know you're not inadvertently being an "enabler."
Don't go at your sister based on what you've heard; because that's what a "rescuer" might do. Don't blindly run to her rescue, without knowing what you're getting yourself into. If you visit from time to time, and offer her words of encouragement; you'll find she might confide things, or offer you some insight into what's happening in her life. It may be a cry for help, or just sharing. Use your best judgement to decide which it is.
Bear in mind, that she is a grown-woman; and she has to be responsible for her own actions. She has to practice self-control, use impulse-control, and watch whom she associates with. Getting too involved in her business may prove to be burdensome; or you could find yourself entangled in things you'll wish you never knew.
When you say you want to help your sister, just know the difference between "helping" and "enabling." Make sure you don't find yourself cleaning-up messes behind her, or digging into your pockets to bail her out of things she's gotten herself into. If she is hanging with the worst element, or a bad crowd; keep your distance. Birds of a feather, hang together. She's not some impressionable teenager, she makes cognizant decisions. She makes deliberate choices. She also knows the consequences of bad-choices.
As long as you remember you are not her savior, and support does not mean you'll find yourself always cleaning-up a mess; you can be a reliable source of support for your troubled-sister. Remembering that she is old enough to make her own decisions; and you have no right to interfere in her life. Telling her what to do, and what not to do. You've mentioned she has the same mother and father as you do; and has had the same upbringing. You're her sibling, not her substitute father.
If she has always been rebellious and prone to getting into trouble; don't go in thinking you're going to be some kind of hero to change her life. She has chosen her own path. She will reset her course, when she has experienced enough mistakes, and made enough poor-judgement calls; that might be when she'll personally decide it's time to change, and choose a new path.
You might set a good-example for her, you may be a positive-influence in her life; but if you get closer to your sister, don't think you'll go in and change her. That will only occur when she decides that is what she wants to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2023):
 "How do i help my sister?"
Do you live far from each other? If not, see if she wants to meet up in person. Go for a walk in the park or out for lunch and just chit-chat. Let her know if she wants to talk about things, you want to help and listen. But you might want to start out by getting to know her again.
She might feel she was abandoned by you (and your parents) when she was sent away, and that is hard to deal with.
Just go slow and let her decide if she wants to open up to you.
You can't MAKE people want to talk about issues. Some bottle it all up and deal with it themselves, while others share it with everyone, or only a select few.
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