A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife of 8 yrs. and I (in a lesbian relationship) have been inseminating and our donor is my own 23 yr old nephew. He produces a sperm sample in a sterile cup and gives it to me to inseminate my wife with it. So far she hasn't gotten pregnant yet. We hope it will work... We have discussed the terms and agreed to do this without any sex involved. For one thing, my wife used to be bisexual and she is strictly committed to me in a lesbian marriage now. She has told me that if she could not get pregnant through insemination, she would deal with having intercourse if it was the last resort. This makes me VERY uncomfortable and I told her this. She just doesn't seem to get it. But I know that I would NOT be comfortable AT ALL if that happened. I would most likely feel sexually turned off with her after something like that. The idea of a penis near my wife's body at this point in time is disturbing to me. I don't want to become sexually turned off towards my own wife or develop ill feelings. I love her and it would bother me to find myself having bad feelings towards her. But I know that something like this would really mess with my head. I wish I could be the kind of person who could "go all out" to get pregnant, but I am not that kind of person. I don't think sex with a random stranger is safe at all. But getting to know some guy could be bad, too because then I'd have to worry about someone else's feelings or attractions getting involved... If my own nephew had SEX with my WIFE, that would just be TOO WEIRD!!! Every time I saw him after that, I would think of him humping my wife and it would bother me deeply. I just think some things should be sacred and special. My wife told me she would not like it, either but she would deal with it if she gave up home on inseminating. I don't like the idea at all of someone else touching my wife in such an intimate way down there. AND at least when I inseminate her, I AM PART OF THE CONCEPTION. If she were to have sex with a man, I would be completely removed from the act of the pregnancy and that's not fair to me! It's not what we agreed on. I don't mean to come across as selfish. I want my wife to have a baby, but not through sex with someone else. We want a child but people CAN get pregnant wihout sex! Even those trying through intercourse often have a hard time getting pregnant and there's no guarantees... But I am not willing to go through it unless it is non-sexual. Any advice? My wife says if a person wants kids badly enough, then they should bite the bullet if they end up having no other choice. To me, you always have a choice, and I don't want sex involved in this. She knows it's not an option. I cannot handle that and I think it could lead to ruining things between us. I also think that things might get ruined if she never gets pregnant. I don't know what to do. I told her that if she ever left me to do this, I would not take her back. I don't like being threatened with a breakup. This is serious and at least I was honest with her and we agreed on how we are going to do this and there's no sex in this. I told her if she changes that part of it, don't think about coming home to me. I want a partner who would not do such things. This is getting ridiculous. If we were a straight couple, I would not have another man mounting my wife just because I could not get her pregnant! Am I being unreasonable because I don't really think so.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Sorry - I thought you meant the question posted was dumb. Sorry. I appreciate those who gave some good advice. My wife and I have done PLENTY of talking about us having a child. The problem is that she would be willing to "do what she had to if it came to that." I, on the other hand, am NOT willing to have us attempt intercourse as the means. She knows this and I have thought it over a thousand times and I know myself well enough that it would only tear us apart. I would always wonder if she enjoyed it. I would not want her to make any contact with the guy. I would feel sexually turned-off and I would not want to have sex with her. If I DID have sex with her, I would always wonder if she was thinking of what she did with HIM if I used a strap on with her... I just know that's the way things would be. My wife has done some rather sneaky things in the past and that is where these insecurities came from. I would NOT be this way for absolutely NO reason at all. She had cheated on me with a female and lied to me about her feelings for a YEAR (and we were married). She had once mailed pics of herself in lingerie to an ex boyfriend. AND she had masturbated using the internet along with some random guy out there online. Even though they never met, it was DISHONEST and sneaky. (True, THESE TWO offenses were when we were first dating). But still, she was DISHONEST with me and that is what this issue is really about. She gave me reason to doubt her. I never did that to her. I was good and faithful to her, and she gave me lies and BS. I guess some people think they can sneak whatever they want and then EXPECT you to lick their feet for confessing! They expect you to not feel uneasy or uncomfortable or insecure. The other truth is, She has NEVER EVER done anything with a man while we have been together. She could have if she wanted that kind of life, and I know this. But let's be honest - making a baby can be an emotional thing even for those who don't intend for it to be emotional. It is so easy to say "it's just sex - it's just a method to make a baby. It is science." That is easier to say than to predict the emotional aftermath or assume that there will be the desired emotional immunity. BUT, my wife and I have continued discussing it, and she apologized for being THAT demanding about it. She admits it was irrational because all she could think of was how upset she'd be if she couldn't have a child. I don't want to stand in her way of that. But I also will not stand by and have my wife share herself with someone else. Some of us draw a line and I think that is acceptable. I just told her that having sex is not more effective than insemination. I have studied enough about this to know. As long as both people are fertile and if the female can give herself a clitoral orgasm after the sperm is deposited to help the sperm reach the egg, this could be a success. Timing is important and so is fertility. But it does not have to involve sex for the best chances. She doesn't view insemination as natural, but all I can say is, when you are in a LESBIAN committed relationship, you really ought to consider that insemination might just be the only way. Not all gay women are going to be okay with intercourse. Some do it, but there is nothing wrong with being against it, either. It all depends on the person and the severity of the feelings about it. I told her, I am not trying to control her. I am trying to control MY life and I don't know how to do this without it affecting her, too. But it is NOT my intention to control HER. I just know myself well enough to not be put through things that I know I cannot handle and would be damaging to me. I am protecting myself. And no, I also don't think my wife would be as emotionally distant as she is crediting herself, either. She hangs on to things and doesn't get over them or let go if they have made an imopression on her. THIS certainly would qualify. And I think it would end up destroying us.
The good news is - We are sticking with insemination and that is that. That is what we discussed and agreed to from the beginning, and that's the only way we are going to do this if we are going to do it together at all.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 When I said "dumb question" I was talking about the question that I was about to ask... not your question.
Just for the record ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I am the one who posted this question here.And no, this isn't a "dumb question."And another thing -I am not controlling. My wife had cheated on me in 2009 (WITH ANOTHER WOMAN - not a with a man). For months, she LIED to me about her feelings for some young woman she was really crushing on, and she even snkuck off to try to have sex with her! She got rejected, but still - she made an attempt with intent. That is still hard for me and always will be. She had also previously done some other sneaky things during the first year we had dated, too - like send photos of herself in lingerie to her ex boyfriend, and later she confessed. I realize that that was in the past and she has never been with a man in ANY way while we have been together, but she also loves me and knows that I don't have relationships with women who sleep with men. I've spent ALL of my life dating women who had involvements with men, but I'm not going to live my life that way ever again. My wife says she finds men attractive but she also finds them "disgusting" and "would never actually be with one." But telling a person you would never do something is not the same as really KNOWING how you would feel when put into a situation you're not in yet. I don't want to have to worry about unwanted feelings developing in this. Years ago, my nephew made it clear that he thought my wife was really attractive. My family put him in his place and told him to show some respect. He has NOT done that since and it was years ago. But my wife and I both didn't forget it. My wife these days remarks about how my nephew looks like me a little bit. This makes me feel a little weird, but I still want this child. I just don't want it to happen through sexual means. That is TOO WEIRD and UNACCEPTABLE to me. I think I might lose interest in my wife sexually and I would always wonder if the experience triggered something in her for him or for men again. She says no way, but I think I have a valid concern here, too. Making a child is a BIG thing and adding sex to it can change things, depending on the mentality of those involved. My wife loves me, but she also is a VERY emotional person. A person CAN develop feelings for someone else as well, even without intending it to happen. This kind of experience might be a doorway to a problem in the future. It is not MY fault that my body does not produce sperm. Although it's nasty, I enjoy being able to inseminate my wife because it means I am A PART of the experience. It's better than standing there while some guy orgasms into my wife. I like the fact that the baby would also have my genes through my nephew, but I am part of the conception itself by placing the semen in, hopefully to meet the egg. And I will be there for the birth and everything else, and it means so much for me to be part of the actual conception. Intercourse would take that away from me and leave me with really weird feelings towards my wife. After everything I've been through in 8 years, I can't handle that, too. We AGREED not to use sex to conceive. We even have a WRITTEN contract. I don't think we have been trying long enough. And my nephew might not have great sperm. I highly doubt this has anything to do with sex, and even people trying to get pregnant through sex have a hard time getting pregnant when they try. I can't look at my nephew after something like that. I might hate him and I might resent my wife and I will be turned OFF. It would deeply disturb me and I know that much.But those are my feelings. It doesn't mean I am selfish and I am not trying to control her. I am trying to control my own life and I simply cannot go there. That is where I draw a line. My wife and I discussed it and agreed to no copulation for pregnancy. That doesn't make me controlling if we discussed everything and agreed on it together. As for myself, I am a VERY giving person. Even when it comes to sex, I GIVE to my wife and never even ask for anything in return sexually. I cook for her, make her baths, take care of her when she is sick. Just about anything she needs, I give to her. I am not perfect but I don't think I am "selfish" or "controlling." If some of you only knew the circumstances here, you might have a different perspective. My wife is also bipolar and has spent 8 years in prison when she was younger. She chose to become committed to me a year later, and then the next year we got married. She has put me through a LOT. Her temper is awful, she's verbally abusive and mentally abusive at times. I deal with it because I know she's been through A LOT and because we love each other. Spouses don't ditch each other when they are sick or having problems. I am a dedicated wife. I have NEVER EVER cheated and I never would. I don't want to be criticized out here just because I know myself well enough to know that I cannot handle my wife getting pregnant the "old fashioned way." Perhaps YOU wouldn't be able to handle something like that, either if you went through it. And THAT could open doors to trying it HOW many times??? So that would mean my wife would create some kind of sex life with a man just to get pregnant?? That isn't right and I won't get on board with that. I don't think any of us would handle that experience. My wife says she would not like the idea of having anyone insert their penis into her to fertilize an egg, but if all of our trying doesn't work, she would have a drink and deal with it. BUT I CAN'T. Some women can do that, even gay women. I know this. It doesn't mean she likes men just because she allows a man to masturbate and then ejaculate inside of her for the purpose of getting pregnant. But I am also involved in this, I have a say-so, and I am completely unable to make that kind of sacrifice. I guess she wishes that I was more willing to do what we have to for having a child. I wish I could be okay with it, but I know myself better and it would only mess with my mind and my feelings and cause problems at home. Besides, like some of you out here said, she does NOT know how fertile she is OR he is! WHY should she let him even try to insert himself into her if neither of them even KNOW how fertile either of them are. All of his pot smoking might have done some sperm damage. Besides, he has a girlfriend and that's that.But if I were selfish, I would not even try to inseminate her at all. If I were a straight man who couldn't get his wife pregnant, I would NOT have someone else mount her and give it a try, either. I have no problem with adoption, but I think she wants one of her own. I want to help give this to her but I think some lines shouldn't be crossed.I will try to use this cup that someone mentioned here. We just got one.So far, THAT has been the best advice I have heard out here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): from your words i get the feeling that you are suffering a lot. is your wife not as committed to you, as you are to her?
she is/was a bisexual, meaning she enjoyed sex with other men. so are u worried that she may revert to being bisexual instead of being fully lesbian?
i think u and your wife are on two different pages. your espectations are different and for her, the means will justify the end??
are u sure your nephew is the correct donor? shooting blanks?? low sperm count? incorrect fetility timing on your wife's part?
a baby was supposed to bring joy. a baby was supposed to bond a couple together. but this is tearing you apart.
you are fearful. selfish. controlling.
Honey, you need to stop! your health will be affected and your marriage will decline. is this what u want?
instead of dictating to your wife, see a professional. get proper help and assistance to make this baby a reality.
and you also need to have more faith and trust in your wife. has she indicated that she may "cheat" or develop feelings for another person.
her getting impregnanted the "correct way" or with other assistance should not alienate you, it should bring you both closer together.
Perhaps you two should have a proper heart to heart...tell her again your concerns....and LISTEN to hers. you are NOT the man of the house, but you are equal partners and should treat each other.
i know this is a very sensitive time in your life, but please understand that your wife loves you, and she will not leave you.
What are you so afriad of.....that she will start enjoying men again???? then both haul your asses into marriage counselling and start proper communication.
and with the correct timing.....you both can be parents to a bundle of joy.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (14 April 2011):
 1. Have you carried out fertility tests on both the parties involved?
2. Have you considered adoption?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (14 April 2011):
Dumb question, but have you had his sperm tested or seen a health professional to test her fertility? Or IVF?
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