A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I'm in need of some help.For about a year now, like clockwork, once a month, me and my partner have a massive row, brining everything up at once about everything that has pissed the other one of in the past month even if it is relevant or not to what started the disagreement in the first place.Problem is, this arguments are starting to become violent, and I am sad to admit that I am the one who is acting out.From my perspective, I know what is going to happen. I know when I have reached my limit where I can no longer take him shouting at me and I will lash out. Because I know this, I often ask for us to stop the argument and walk away ie, go for a walk to calm down or I might retreat to my 'safe space'. However, lately my partner has been pushing me beyond my limit and if I have walked away from an argument he follows me to my 'safe space' to continue the disagreement even though I need the space to calm down. At the end of the day it is in both our interest to deal with the problem calmly and rationally.The problem is, that I feel boxed in by him, not just physically but mentally as well and given my upbringing in a violent household I default to the only defensive mechanism I had then, which was to fight back. So these arguments tend to lead to me hitting him - slapping, pushing and clawing at him - to get away from him so I can get out the house to calm down.Recently, it escalated and we discussed the issues with a counsellor, separately, so she could see what was happening in the arguments that triggered me getting violent. As it happened, we both described the same things happening - there is a pattern and the counsellor said we had to break the pattern and that my partner needed to learn to back off in an argument and respect that I would deal with any problems when I had calmed back down.We managed this for a couple of months but again he is starting to really box me in because he feels that unless he shouts at me about his complaints then they are not being heard despite when we were doing as the counsellor said the problems were being dealt with properly as oppose to the destructive mess of - argument, violence, argument, talking and nothing being solved.Can anyone help?
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (4 March 2011):
 It is a nasty, destructive cycle that can only be broken if you separate from him. You also need to see a GP and ask about anger management classes. You have both learned a violent approach to dispute resolution and need to 'unlearn' that behavioural pattern. Generic counselling won't help. You need specialist counselling (cognitive behavioural therapy) but also time apart to reflect on what is happening. You both have to admit you have a problem before you can seek treatment. It would be better and easier to do this while apart from him because you have time and space to reflect on the whole situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): You need long term professional help. The only solution anyone here can tell you is to break up.
You argue about the same things over and over, that means you just don't get along and no arguing all the time is not normal, don't let anyone tell you it is. Having disagreements and perhaps heated discussions about things are fine but when it's the same issue over and over again then that just means you don't get along.
Go get long term counseling, it worked the first time for a little while but you assumed that was the end of it. You obviously need more help than that. But in all honesty it sounds like this is just a clash of personalities, neither of you will back down, neither of you will concede defeat and the only way arguments get solved is by doing that. But you have the same issue over and over again, your arguments are getting more and more extreme, that's not the sign of a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 Nobody on here can help you sweetie, you have got professional help and yet you are nearly back to square one again. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk camly and tell him that the relationship is not going to work if he doesnt keep doing what the councellor has told you both to do. Its silly building everything up for an entire month and then letting it all spill out off course it is going to cause chaos. You both need to agree to talk to each other calmly whenever something is anoying you both. Ban shouting in the house for a while and talk like adults when there is something wrong with either of you. Violence doesnt solve anything as am sure you know. If this relationship is going to work you both need to put in the work and learn to understand each other and get to the root of what causes the arguments and work on that. The relationship cant go on the way it is its not healthy and you are both goin to be miserable. So you both need to agree to work hard. Goodluck Hunny.
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