A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Once in awhile my husband and I get into some real physical fights, which is NOT acceptable, I know that. Last night it started with my husband coming home after travelling for a week (I was alone with my toddlers), and he noticed a crack in the dishwasher door and blurted out "why does this happen when I'm gone"...something like that, it was a jab at me, like I did something wrong yet again...After that it started an immediate argument as I didn't feel appreciated after being alone with the kids and running the house...and then he started name calling and yelling, called me a 'mental case', even though I was the one hurt by what he said to me...so I got physical and hit him, and he started getting rough back with me and I kept wanting to hit him more as he named called me more...My arm is all bruised up now...I now see that we were both at fault and I KNOW it is WRONG. I feel ashamed. But I still feel like he doesn't respect me or appreciate what I do when he makes snarky comments like that to me. I feel like things got out of control, and usually a couple times a year they do...which still isn't acceptable.We need to learn how to control our anger...the thing is that I'm actually a very mellow person, he's the one that gets high strung all the time and makes jabs at me about how stuff isn't done around the house or how I did something wrong...as soon as he starts doing that he gets me fired up, and I can't take it anymore.We actually do love eachother very much, we are both very passionate people and met very young and have been together or 12 years. We have something special that a lot of couples don't have, we are VERY open to eachother and communicate everything...it just seems like we are lacking the respect lately..and I'm starting to feel like my husband doesn't love me anymore, even though he 'says' he does..When he makes comments like that to me, inside my head it tells me he doesn't love me...cause if you loved your spouse you wouldn't be 'mean' to them and then I just lose my cool cause I'm a strong headed lady who doesn't like to take crap...Sometimes I think we're both over stressed and too stubborn, and maybe we aren't the best match together, but it's too late now...we're married in love most of the time and have children. Anyway, I know everyone will say go to couples therapy, but we can't afford that and don't have time. And I hate myself for showing any of this to our children, it's disgusting, I know!!! Any advice on how me and my husband can work this out on our own??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (31 October 2014):
 The question is - who was the first to get physical and put their hands on the other person?? The answer is - YOU. You can't blame someone else for your hitting him. You can't hit someone for hurting your feelings or making you mad. Is there any justification whatsoever for something like this? No, there isn't, and I'm being hard on you for one very specific reason that transcends any hurt feelings or feeling appreciated.
In this case, your temper spirals out of control and you escalated it to the point of hitting your husband IN FRONT of your toddler children. That who really suffers from all of this - your children. You feeling appreciated or not pales in comparison with terrifying your children with striking their father and both of you screaming names at each other.
BOTH of you want to feel appreciated. He's out in the cold world for a week feeling miserable that he's not home. You're taking care of toddlers, which is a LOT of work especially when the other parent isn't around to give breaks, and I know how it starts.
If this were the other way around, and he was the one hitting YOU first when you enraged him enough, you'd be called a battered woman and everyone on here would be sympathetic and tell you to get out while you can. Likewise, if you were a guy writing this, we'd be all up in arms tearing into you for hitting your wife.
My feelings are for your children. They're 2 years old and seeing you and him screaming at each other, name calling, hitting, and it goes on and on. Would you start slapping your kids if they get on your nerves? Would you punch them if they defied you? Would you allow your temper to spiral out of control if you felt like they didn't appreciate you?? I'm guessing that you wouldn't, or at least I HOPE you can control your temper better when it comes to them.
Every time you hit their dad, it's like you're hitting their soul. Every time you two start slapping, screaming, hitting, getting rough, punching, and letting loose with your tongues in a hideous game of "Who can emotionally bludgeon your partner more" with no sense of self-control, you're hurting THEM.
You say this is a couple times a year? That spells a pattern of abuse. If you're the one hitting first, you are the abuser. You are minimizing it and are in denial. Is he a verbal abuser? Yes, he is if he's name calling and such. But it's a long road from verbal abuse to physical abuse.
If you love your kids, you both WILL go to couples therapy to learn anger management skills. You are NOT a mellow person if you hit people for saying things that bother you. Anyone can be mellow if things are going your way. If they aren't, and you are proud of how stubborn you are, then you need serious help, because the breakdown of your marriage isn't the issue here.
It's the traumatization of your children every time you start hitting and screaming. You can't control your husband, but you CAN and MUST control yourself. That means you need to rethink the whole "I'm a stubborn lady who doesn't take crap". If one comment he makes can rattle you that much, then you are insecure, not stubborn. You need to change how you react to that. You can't control him. If he wants to be mean and snarky or not appreciate you, you have the CHOICE of how to react. It's YOUR choice.
You need to take absolute full ownership of your actions independent of him, because all of us face insensitivity from time to time from spouses, loved ones, friends, children, and so on. You can't excuse yourself by saying "normally, I'm mellow". You are your lowest common denominator, meaning if you hit people for saying something you don't like, that makes you not mellow, but an abuser. That's like Jerry Sandusky saying "Normally, I'm really great with kids and an outstanding pillar of society and I've done so much good for the community".
You want to lose your husband and kids? You want to scar your children for life? You want to possibly get arrested for domestic assault? Think your kids won't call the police once they're old enough to know how to use a phone? Want to be contacted by the school and the police when your kids, having academic problems and possibly anger issues of their own, tell the school counselor about all the hitting going on at home, which by the law the school has to report that sort of information?
"I don't have the time or money" is not an excuse to not go to anger management. Mental health is covered under health insurance, and it's better to do it voluntarily out of love for your husband and kids rather than doing it because of a court order. Your kids will need therapy after a lifetime of twice-a-year domestic abuse between you and your husband.
Finally, bruises on your arms??? You do realize that happens because you're swinging wildly at your husband and he is BLOCKING your blows, causing the bruises. I'd feel differently if you were getting black eyes, bloody lips, and your ABDOMEN or RIBS were bruised. He has a right to defend himself against you hitting him.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 Apologize for hitting him but firmly tell him this is not to continue. You want to live in harmony and get along with each other. Whenever he raises his voice you have to refuse to talk to him until he calms down. Only tell him this once and if he continues, you turn you back on him. When he speaks nice to you take notice of that and then appreciate him for what he has done for the family. He needs to know what is triggering your anger and be careful about how he phrases things. You can also work on your self confidence so you don't take everything he says as an attack.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 Love/hate relatiships last about as long as your average light bulb doe before it burns out.I recomend you begin workig on an exitstradegy. I know, Iknow -you want to work it out. O great! then go to a councelor. Lots of luck getting him to go. Good Lck to you both. By the way, your briuses were not both of your faults. Your briuses are HIS fault!
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