A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:I love my uncle. He has been a terrific role model all my life but there is one aspect of this life which differs notably from mine.He often talks to me about his mistresses. When I'm amongst his circle of friends they talk about their different mistresses much like they would about sports or the weather. It all seems to be very commonplace, or perhaps that's simply the case in Europe; I don't know.Today he casually remarked how he think his wife is cheating on him.I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum and so I can't even begin to appreciate how one would engage in such a discussion but it has me very curious. Curious, not because I am open to adopting his lifestyle, but curious because I wonder about this thing that is very foreign to me. Is it perhaps simply a cultural thing since I grew up in a very different social circle than the rest of my family?I would be VERY interested in hearing from those who are open to the idea of having a mistress or kept man, or can otherwise provide some insight on this topic.- Is such a thing normal, accepted or not surprising in your social circle?- Do you think it's a cultural thing?- Do you think most partners are aware or any infidelity?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis was a fantastic answer and thank you very sincerely for the kind time and effort you took in responding. I've read your column and found it very enlightening.
Your note on the fear men have of controlling wives and the loss of freedom which ensues from marriage really gave me some food for thought.
You have provided me with a wealth of insight.
Thank you.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (28 December 2008):
 I thought I had answered this question already but it seems not.I have a kept mistress in Shanghai. It is common in this society and I assume in every other society in which there are beautiful girls from poor families who would otherwise earn in a month what a wealthy entrepreneur would spend on lunch. My mistress is stunningly beautiful -cover girl material - but she grew up on a small hill farm in Sichuan where she got 4 years of formal schooling and that only because she cut hay for the schoolmaster to pay her own fees. The money that she has extracted from me this year is equivalent to 100 x what her father's farm makes in a year. Think about 100 years of hard work on a hill farm or a year of international travel, shopping and being taken to dinner by a slightly overweight older man who actually cares about you quite a bit. With 4 years of education she has no prospects of ever getting a good job in China. I don't think that anyone who didn't grow up where she grew up can judge her. Of course you are welcome to judge the public school and Cambridge educated Englishman who exploits this situation - and I expect to be judged wholly negatively.To say that it is "accepted" I think would be pushing it a bit far. I can think of many in my social circle who would not accept it, not least of course my utterly lovely and wonderful wife.I understand however that it is routine for Taiwanese wives to require their husbands to have a vasectomy before coming to live and work here in the mainland because they assume that their husbands will have mistresses and they want to ensure that there are no children to threaten the future economic interests of their children.I think that it is highly inappropriate for your uncle to discuss this with you. I have never discussed my mistress with anyone not even my closest friends after a long night of drinking - the only exception being provisions that I made for her in the event of my death. In my own twisted logic, talking about my mistress to anyone that might know or come in to contact with my wife would be a far greater betrayal than the relationship itself. In a way my great and deep love for my wife (and my wish to live beyond 40) requires me to maintain absolute discretion. My mistress shares this goal - she has no wish to harm my wife (they would like each other if they were ever to meet although that would have to literally be over my dead body) or my children - for whom she knits clothes which I then have to pretend to have "bought in a market".I would say to anyone considering this form of relationship to think very very carefully before proceeding. Financially it is a big undertaking - in my case I've undertaken to take care of this girl for the rest of her life - and it would be totally unfair if the money spent impacted your main family at all. More importantly, if you actually love two or more women then you are setting yourself up for a life of sadness, jealousy and paranoia because you are inevitably always apart from people that you love. Honestly, if I could turn the clock back I would not start down the same road.
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