A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I *desperately* need advice, so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated and would definitely be put to use...I am South African and I have been married for 5 years, but my wife and I have been together for about 9 years. I met her when I was 19 years old - we both attended the same college. At the time, I was not experienced at all with relationships - I'd only ever had one girlfriend, and that was for about a month. I literally fell head over heels for my wife, and really believed her to be the woman of my dreams. Within about 6 months of meeting her, I'd already decided (in my own mind, at least) that she was going to be my partner for life. During the early stages of our relationship, signs of her insecurity, neediness and controlling nature began to become apparent. She demanded that I cease contact with any and all female friends, and gradually began to limit my contact with male friends as well. I was continually having to adjust my behaviour in order to please her. Sure, I did attempt to rationalise with her on several ocassions, but to no avail. When I was about 22, she demanded that we get registered as a married couple - without telling anyone about it. Now, remember that I'd already decided many years prior that I would spend the rest of my life with her. Despite our numerous problems, I decided to go ahead with this 'secret' marriage, hoping that this 'security' would somehow lead to a change in her behaviour. Naive, I know.Needless to say, there was little change in the dynamic of our relationship. I was constantly walking on eggshells around her and had sacrificed numerous relationships, not to mention principles, in the hope that things would improve.Naturally, I took the next logical step. We eventually had a proper marriage ceremony, with family and friends in attendance. Prior to this she'd received a job offer in the U.S., so shortly after the wedding we moved over to the U.S. That was three and a half years ago. Things have not improved - in fact, they've worstened. About a year ago we found out that she was pregnant. Unplanned, but a blessing nonetheless. Our beautiful son is now 5 months old. My wife is now using our son as leverage to makes ludicrous demands of me. For instance, last year while she was still pregnant, she discovered that my brother (who was 22 at the time) was seeing some girl that she labelled a 'bitch' and 'whore' - but she'd never even said two words to this girl, or even spent more than 5 seconds in the same room with her. My brother was perfectly happy with this girl, and, in fact, he began to shed many of his bad habits because of her. Nevertheless, my wife insisted that I intervene because she couldn't stand this woman, and because she felt that my parents had somehow treated this other girl 'better' than they were treating her. So her ultimatum was that either my brother break up with this girl, or she and I would split. We fought about this repeatedly, and I insisted that what she was asking of me was simply wrong. Well, eventually I did speak to my brother but never asked him to end his relationship. I simply explained, as best I could, the situation between my wife and I, and her feeling towards his gf. He did actually end the relationship, but for his own reasons. In the interim, he made his feelings perfectly clear to my wife. Personally, I agreed with his viewpoint, but couldn't express this to my wife. She now refuses to have anything to do with my brother.She is also now refusing to have anything to do with my parents, since she feels that they've never truly accepted her as a daughter-in-law. Not only that, but she insists that I cease all contact with my parents, and that we deny them access to our son. She knows that I love my son beyond anything or anyone on this planet, and she using this against me.This is where we are right now. Although I'm usually resistant to discussing my personal business with anyone, I've been talking to my parents about this, and, to a lesser extent, her parents as well. My parents both work in the field of psychiatry and feel that my wife has a personality disorder - something that's extremely difficult to fix without full compliance from the affected person. Of course, my wife insists that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. In her view, it's either her way or the highway.I'm now torn. I want to be around for the sake of my son. I feel guilty about brining him into this world and subjecting him to a dysfunctional family situation. But I've pretty much had enough of my wife. If it was just the two of us, I would've left already. I feel like I've lived the past nine years with a dark cloud over me and that if I leave her, this cloud will be lifted. On the other hand, it's heart-wrenching to imagine living apart from my son...Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): I found this web site when I wrote in google the words, "abusive, manipulative wife" in my search to get opinions and help for my son's situation. My son is exactly in the same situation as yours, but still worst, because at least youalready opened your eyes and start looking for help and advice. My son believes to have a great marriage and things that she is right. She destroyed his character and self esteem. They have a three years alod daughter that she uses for her purposes. I was crying when I read your story, because I see how far is my son's situation of been fixed because he even is affraid of having a bad thought about her. He moved to live with her when he was 19 years old, she is five years older than him, they been together for 14 years. Since the very first I met her I notice that she had some kind of personality disorder.
My heart aches seeing his condition. He even walks as a zombie.
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (6 March 2008):
 After reading your post I do not think I would be able to sleep unless I offered my two cents. With that being said here is my honest opinion... I notice that you begin giving us a brief overview of the history of the relationship with your wife. You mention that you made up your mind that she would be your lifelong partner but you did not mention the qualities that led you to that conclusion. I am assuming it must have been something that you liked about her in the beginning. My reason for bringing that to your attention is because after being with someone for a long time when things start going downhill we sometimes need to remind ourselves of why we fell in love in the first place. I try not to encourage someone to walk out on there marriage, and although I wouldn't blame you if you did I will not advise you to do that. Obviously your wife has some real issues and I think your parents are right. The fact that she has tried to isolate you from your family and friends indicates that she is dealing with something much bigger than you can fix. The personality traits that you describe sound to me like she needs professional help, and maybe it is time for you to stop walking on egg shells and tell her exactly how you feel. Before you make up your mind to walk out give her the option to go to counseling and see if she makes a sincere effort to save your relationship. Unless you have already given up.You have already invested 9 long years into this relationship and at the end of the day she is your wife and the mother of your child. She may be a despicable person but that is the only mother that your little boy has, he is the one who is ultimately going tobe stuck with this women who is not well(mentally) so if she doesnt get some help for the sake of your marriage hopefully she will consider therapy for the well being of your child. There is no guarantee that therapy will help or change anything between the two of you but if she is willing to go, I think would be a step in the right direction. If you decide that you just want to leave at least consider some family therapy, where you can be sure that she will be OK to care for your son when you are not around. So the point I am trying to make is that when and if you ever have to leave, you will be able to look your son in the eyes when he is a man and honestly say that you made a sincere effort to keep your family together. Every dark cloud has a silver lining,maybe there is still a little bit of what brought you two together left. Everyone deserves to be happy. I am a strong believer that where there is a happy mother , there is a happy father and where there are happy parents there are happy children. Happy together or happy apart...Marriage is work and if she is not willing to work, then she is not doing her part as your wife. You sound like a reasonable and intellegient man so I am sure you can talk with your wife and come up with a plan or reasonable solution that will benefit everyone concerned especially the baby. I would love to tell you to leave her do what makes you happy, but now that there is a child your happiness is not the number one priority, he is. Life is very short and tomorrow is not promised to anyone so whether you decide to stay or leave you need to make sure that she is capable of taking care of your child. Before I close I want you to think about this, you can leave but the problem is still going to be there, you are still going to have to deal with her one way or another. The best way to deal with a problem is to solve it. Good Luck.
Best Wishes...
rockell
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (6 March 2008):
After reading your post I do not think I would be able to sleep unless I offered my two cents. With that being said here is my honest opinion... I notice that you begin giving us a brief overview of the history of the relationship with your wife. You mention that you made up your mind that she would be your lifelong partner but you did not mention the qualities that led you to that conclusion. I am assuming it must have been something that you liked about her in the beginning. My reason for bringing that to your attention is because after being with someone for a long time when things start going downhill we sometimes need to remind ourselves of why we fell in love in the first place. I try not to encourage someone to walk out on there marriage, and although I wouldn't blame you if you did I will not advise you to do that. Obviously your wife has some real issues and I think your parents are right. The fact that she has tried to isolate you from your family and friends indicates that she is dealing with something much bigger than you can fix. The personality traits that you describe sound to me like she needs professional help, and maybe it is time for you to stop walking on egg shells and tell her exactly how you feel. Before you make up your mind to walk out give her the option to go to counseling and see if she makes a sincere effort to save your relationship. Unless you have already given up.You have already invested 9 long years into this relationship and at the end of the day she is your wife and the mother of your child. She may be a despicable person but that is the only mother that your little boy has, he is the one who is ultimately going tobe stuck with this women who is not well(mentally) so if she doesnt get some help for the sake of your marriage hopefully she will consider therapy for the well being of your child. There is no guarantee that therapy will help or change anything between the two of you but if she is willing to go, I think would be a step in the right direction. If you decide that you just want to leave at least consider some family therapy, where you can be sure that she will be OK to care for your son when you are not around. So the point I am trying to make is that when and if you ever have to leave, you will be able to look your son in the eyes when he is a man and honestly say that you made a sincere effort to keep your family together. Every dark cloud has a silver lining,maybe there is still a little bit of what brought you two together left. Everyone deserves to be happy. I am a strong believer that where there is a happy mother , there is a happy father and where there are happy parents there are happy children. Happy together or happy apart...Marriage is work and if she is not willing to work, then she is not doing her part as your wife. You sound like a reasonable and intellegient man so I am sure you can talk with your wife and come up with a plan or reasonable solution that will benefit everyone concerned especially the baby. I would love to tell you to leave her do what makes you happy, but now that there is a child your happiness is not the number one priority, he is. Life is very short and tomorrow is not promised to anyone so whether you decide to stay or leave you need to make sure that she is capable of taking care of your child. Before I close I want you to think about this, you can leave but the problem is still going to be there, you are still going to have to deal with her one way or another. The best way to deal with a problem is to solve it. Good Luck.
Best Wishes...
rockell
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (6 March 2008):
She is controlling you through her manipulation of you. I am a domestic violence worker and she is an abuser. Yes there are female abusers. You are in the cycle of violence. Her main tools with you are the emotional ones and social isolation. The other forms are physical, financial, spiritual and sexual.
I suspect she has used these other forms with you. The fact that she wanted to marry you but in secret indicates to me she was not really thinking of marriage as a loving bond but CONTROL over you. When you eventually married in the open she made the counter move to apply for a job in the US to isolate you socially from any support network you have ie social isolation. Much easier to dominate and control their partner if they have no friends or family around them. Here is the cycle of violence. It is roughly a one month cycle but over time the circle tightens as a couple of phases get dropped out. INTIMIDATION PHASE Your wife will begin to exert control over you through words and actions and you will feel as though you are walking on eggshells. Nothing you do or say at this stage will be good enough. EXPLOSION PHASE the arguement takes place and your wife will exert full control and domination over you and may even punish you through various means. Unfortunately this is the real them coming out. SORRY PHASE Your wife realizes that you are distancing yourself so will either say sorry but still make YOU feel guilty for HER ACTIONS. BUYBACK PHASE Your wife will behave and may even make promises to change, to be more sympathetic, to allow you to see friends and basically confuse you into thinking you have some control. HONEYMOON PHASE Your wife will do her utmost to you at this stage to rekindle the flame and make you feel that you have over reacted and will be the woman you fell in love with ie the woman you thought she was and you will start to doubt if what you are going through is just normal stuff or somehow you were too hard. Don't be fooled cause bang BACK TO INTIMIDATION. Sound familiar? If you leave I would take your son and write a letter registered post explaining your decision to leave and put in this letter all the abusive things she has done to you and importantly where your son was at the time. She will take you to family court but I feel you would be a better parent. Take care and realize you will be in most danger when you leave. Start making a safety plan ie gather your son's birth certificate and important documents and put them in a safe place or another location and when you leave make it swift.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2008):
 I am heartbroken for you reading your words--what an awful situation to be in!
I don't have much to offer that the previous posters didn't address, other than this: see an attorney right away! First thing, now, so that you know all the options you have and what you need to do to ensure your rights to your son. Do it as soon as possible!
Then, next step is a really good therapist for yourself; I know your parents are in the field but you need an objective outside influence to help you move along this terrible path you're on.
Don't tell her until afterwards that you've had these contacts. You need sound legal advice before you can figure out the next steps you must take.
My heart goes out to you and your son. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Hello - when I read your question I almost didn't answer because my first thought was 'what an appalling way to describe one's wife'! However having read the whole post, I can see that you are in a very difficult situation. Does she have any redeeming features at all?? You can't really say she has a personality disorder until that is officially diagnosed. She sounds similar to my ex partner (never wanted to admit he had a problem even though everyone around him/us could clearly see that he had).
More often than not, I come across stories of awful, abusive controlling men on this site so it's quite strange to find one about a woman. Have you contributed to this situation in any way? The reason I ask is that my ex partner described his ex wife as 'mad, controlling, insecure, needy, manipulative' and we all believed him until we got to know him a bit better and then discovered that although she was quite neurotic, his bad behaviour was what frustrated her and drove her even more neurotic until she hit him out of frustration. They were a match made in hell but it wasn't all her fault.
Have you made her feel insecure in any way, subtly or overtly?? The reason I am asking you this is because it sounds very strange indeed - from reading your post she sounds quite scary!! I would suggest that you get professional marital counselling and find out what is really going on. You married young (like my ex partner) and are probably now dying to get out and breathe again.
If this really is how you say it is (& I don't doubt it is possible because I've been with a similar partner before) I don't think you will ever be happy if you stay together. I would never say to someone to just give up on a marriage but you sound like you are exhausted and really need a break and some TLC? Are you prepared to stick with her through therapy etc ... It is SO common for the person with the 'disorder' to deny that they have anything wrong and like you say, you cannot address it without their consent. Are you worried about her ability to parent your child adequately emotionally? I really think you should see a professional marriage therapist (even if you have to go on your own - i went on my own cos ex partner refused to come with me so i sat there with an empty chair next to me and two therapists one male and one female, in front of me!!! but it still helped me tremendously and I left him and brought my children up alone). Is there any more to this story? Or is this really it??
She is trying to alienate you from your family why? Is she terrified of being alone. I kind of feel sorry for her in one way - she must be so insecure and scared and confused but it must be really messing your head up. You only have one life and you deserve to be happy and if you have given all you have to give and tried and she has not compromised or budged then it seems like you need to have a break from her, to get your head sorted and to give her a chance to get her head sorted. Regarding your child, don't use her personality disorder against her because she must love the child too although I can understand that you would not want him being parented by someone who sounds so unreasonable and vindictive. I can't quite get a handle on your post as I feel there is so much more to it that would give context but I guess it is hard to get everything into one email and like you say, you might not want to talk to other people about it too much.
I do feel for you - I know what it is like to walk on eggshells - permanent headache, stress etc etc ... If you are really that miserable and she refuses to budge/meet you halfway, you probably have no choice but to have a break from her and focus on being a good dad to your son. For his sake, it would be worth trying to persuade her to get help?? She surely cannot be happy behaving like this? She must hate herself? I'm not sure if I have been much help and you will probably get better answers on this site but I hope you value yourself and your son enough to make the right decisions - you have only got one life and no-one deserves to live it being miserable and in fear of upsetting their partner. Life is pretty much one long series of compromises, including in our relationships - one sided controlling relationships are a total nightmare - i've been in one and towards the end all I wanted to do was drive hundreds of miles away and sit down and lean my head on a cool stone wall or something and just let all the years of stress ebb out of me. I can imagine how you feel. Good luck and take care x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): This is heatwrenching and I relate so well to your circumstances.
You have expressed yourself incredibly well and I assume you have used this approach verbally with her. If she cannot see it then YES you have a problem.
I think you are saying that you are now wanting out of this relationship. It is also clear that you have given this huge thought and consideration. So you know in your heart/head that this has to happen. It now becomes how doe you make it go as well as possible with your wife.
I think people get pretty torn up about the child in the equation. You feel somehow that staying will be better than leaving, or you feel you will losse the child because you split. Most of these thoughts are quite irrational. Normal, but irrational.
It is far better for your child to live in a healthy enviroment. Children FEEl the tension, feel the love going and will be effected when they are placed in that situation for long or even short periods of time. They may not know why they feel confused, but it is a reflection of the adults in their life and how they are. Leaving the marriage may be the best thing you can do for your son. You will clearly have no need to be concerned of your legal rights, she will make it difficult and if you let this effect you, you will have a hard time.
She won't want you to leave. But she may never ever change unless you do. She will continue to manipulate things for her purpose. She will continue to control what you are now becoming. You explore all these traits when looking back at your relationship and reach a point when you know it is no longer healthy or what makes you happy.
When your emotional connection to her is gone, you have sorted out in your head what you need to do and how you are going to achieve it. Then you need to focus on having the best relationship with your child you can.
This is the one thing which she CANNOT use against you. He is your son just as much as hers. Ignore her attempts to use him in her game, tell her to leave him out of it, because you will NOT have it and it will NOT work. I am sure someone may be able to put that better than me!
Anyway, you have to leave, she cannot stop you being a father. Get rid of the dark cloud and come into the light!
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): I think if your parents who are psychiatrists ? think your wife has a personality disorder then you might try having her be evaluated and go into therapy....knowing that she is unlikely to change, but perhaps she needs to be on medication which would help improve things for her and thus you.
From the sounds of it she is beyond controlling and quite abusive, if I were you, I would attempt to have her evaluated, declared incompetent as a mother if that is possible in S Africa, and get full custody of your child.
The fact that the baby is only 5 months old means that your child will grow up not going through the pain of divorce if you were to do it later and left say before the child was 2, the child would then have some severe abandonment issues that will follow him into adulthood...you don't want that...do what is best for your child and you and file for divorce....she is abusive.
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