A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've recently noticed that I tend to cause unnecessary drama in my relationships and I don't know how to fix it. When I'm in a relationship and we argue or bicker about simple mundane things I tend to go around and tell my friends what happens. By doing this they always tend to dislike my boyfriends and get tired of hearing about it because I only go to them when we bicker. But once the argument blows over my friends still dislike my boyfriend because I only go to them when I need to vent. I know I need to shut my mouth and not tell everyone my business. But I'm one of those people who wears their emotions on their sleeve and it's obvious that something is wrong. I don't know what to do but I need to stop inviting people into my relationships any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 January 2014):
Dear OP,
You already realized that there's a problem, so that's something.
There are three things you can do:
1) Find better times to meet your friends than when you're angry and better things to do than venting. Set up dates with them to do fun things! Maybe this will also make you happier and less stressed, so less reasons to argue with your boyfriend. Plan ahead and meet your friends on weekends or evenings, to do DVD nights, go to the park, do sports together, check out a new coffee place, go shopping.. one reason why people talk about others is that they have not much else to talk about. So go and do things together that make good memories and get your minds on other things.
2) What do you really think of your boyfriend? Does he cause most arguments or you? Is he guilty of the things you say about him or not? Is he abusive? Or are you overreacting? Your venting might be the only thing left to do when you're overwhelmed with emotions. And whether that's his responsibility or not is important for you to know.
3) Before you go venting, go to a quiet place and write a page or two about what just happened and how you feel. This will help you figure out your emotions and calming down a little, without anybody else's help. If you really still need to talk, pick one good friend to talk to, not two or three.
Ah, and another thing: If you find you're very talkative and sometimes tell too much about yourself (like me), it's a good "strategy" to be interested in other peoples' lives and also ask them questions.. when you find yourself drifting away and going on and on about the same subjects.. interrupt yourself and simply ask your friends "how would you deal with this?" "has this ever happened to you?" "how are things with you and X, by the way?"..
Good luck!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 January 2014):
 I never vented to my friends about petty fights between my boyfriend/husband. I don't vent to my family about it either because it hinders resolutions between us. Not only that, but as the other aunts have said, it's bringing your side to things, and all they hear about are the fights and bad times. When was the last time you "vented" to them the good things your boyfriend does?
I don't want to sound like a shill, but a place like this - Dearcupid - is a perfect place for advice. You don't sully his name to friends and family who build permanent negative opinions about him, and people like us can advise you. If you need to vent, choose a BEST friend who has your best interests at heart and can help you instead of just telling you what you want to hear. Do not vent to all of your friends and family unless he's beating the crap out of you, stealing from you, threatening your life, has a substance abuse problem, or is cheating on you. You need your friends and family for major stuff, not every minor "He didn't say goodnight to me last night!" or "I'm so sick of him leaving his towel on the bathroom floor!" stuff.
What would you want him saying to his friends and family about you?? Would you want him going around venting every bad thing under the sun about you to them so that if you go hang out with his friends or his mom, they hate your guts? No? Then why do it to him? Did you not realize that stuff like this has stopped relationships from getting serious dead in its tracks?
All of a sudden, your family, which may have fallen in love with him and taken him in, or your friends, who might have welcomed him into the circle of friends want to throw BOTH of you out. Him because you made them hate him, and YOU because they'll get sick of you trashing him and NOT dumping him. Complaining constantly about a significant other always backfires on you, and you're seeing that now. Always tell people you resolve the fight, and TELL people about the nice things he does and what attracts him to you.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 January 2014):
 That's what having friends is for. To talk when you need to talk. There's nothing wrong with talking to your friends about your relationship issues. You're not the problem. your friends need to keep in mind that couples will bicker and argues, and just because you're telling them about a fight, doesn't mean he's a bad guy. They should try to to be objective in this situation. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): You need to learn how to resolve issues between you and your boyfriend; so you can alleviate or minimize your bickering. Most people take their side to other people when they feel they're in a no-win situation; or they don't feel their side is being heard.
Sometimes people go to other people; because they know they are wrong, and feel guilty. They try to ease the guilt by using their friends as a sympathetic sounding-board. You know that even when you're wrong, they're on your side.
The side-effect is, they form a negative opinion of him; because they only hear half the story. Many of the details are left out. They should know better than to dislike someone without giving them benefit of the doubt.
You're subconsciously ganging up on your boyfriend; and purposely turning people against him when you're angry.
You're also trying to color him in a bad light; because you have to learn how to control your temper. If you cooled off after an argument, it would stay in the same room between you and your boyfriend. It would never reach the outside.
You like stirring up emotions and soaking up the sympathy, because you're also a drama queen. You like having a dramatic situation to play the victim. It's going to seriously backfire on you. It probably already has. Thus this post about it.
You have to admit to all your friends that you have been airing too much of your personal business; and unintentionally may have turned them against your boyfriend. You owe it to him to set the record straight;and undo the damage you may have caused. Then stop doing it.
However; friends also form their own opinions, based on their own eye-witness accounts and personal observations. It isn't always on your word alone.
They pretty much already know you tend to dramatize; but they may not have liked him from the start; and just didn't say so, until you gave them the opportunity to openly admit it. They may not like him for their own reasons.
So you have some damage control. People bicker a lot when the relationship is burning itself out.
Tempers flare over little things; because you really have one big problem you can't fix. That usually means you are incompatible. People who get along easily makeup, and fix their problems.
Maybe you just need to consider you've pushed things too far already; and it's too late.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 This is a typical problem. If you had a friend who always came to you complaining about her boyfriend and crying on your shoulder, you'd dislike that boyfriend too.
But, perhaps the solution isn't to stop venting to your friends, but rather STOP bickering with your boyfriend... Or, find a better suited boyfriend. Relationships shouldn't involve so much bickering and arguing, and maybe your friends disliking him ought to be a hint to you about just how often you argue and fight with each other. So often that your friends have grown dead tired of it? That's too often.
Or, maybe you need to work on your temperament. Maybe you are too eager to fight and argue, too eager to create drama, hence the need to do your dirty laundry in public. I also wear my feelings on my sleeves, but that doesn't mean I run around spilling details about every argument to all of my friends. This need to vent, if it happens several times a month (or how often is it, each time you see your friends?) really does sound like a need for attention. Don't take offense, I don't know you in person, no hard feelings, but maybe you should have a critical look at yourself before you go further. A need for attention and drama can be worked on and solved, and would leave you a much happier, calmer, and peaceful person. Including having a more peaceful relationship.
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