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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm 36 years old, working as a postDoc in a worldwide famous university. I used to be very pretty, or so they told me, but I've put on a lot of weight in the last couple of years. I've been finding comfort in food, trying to forget how lonely and miserable I feel. And so now I don't even feel like a woman anymore. I try to hide away from people because I'm so self concious. The reason for my misery is the complete lack of any romantic interest over the past few years. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 6 years. I had a few lovers or one night stands, but not a relationship. And I haven't even kissed or hugged anybody in over a year. I'm so lonely and I feel that my life is over. And I have no idea what I expect to get out of writing this note.I just can't take it anymore...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2006): Hey there, I felt I had to reply to you. I can understand how you feel, I cant say that I have the answers but just wanted to say youre not alone in how you feel.
I am just finishing up my phd - (avoiding thesis writing by surfing the web instead!). I put on over 2 stone during my phd, but in the last year have decided to take action and lost 2.5 stone so far. I still have a long long way to go, but i feel much better for it. I signed up to an online weight loss site which tells you how many calories you should eat a day, you fill in a food diary, and the people in their forums are incredibly kind and helpful. This has helped me a lot, I wouldnt like to go to a weight watchers meeting - hate people looking at me and judging me.
The nature of academic jobs is such that it feels pretty lonely at times, I dont know about you, but during my phd i have spent times at 3 different labs and moved around the country. Just when you begin to make some friends and get a bit of a life sorted it seems to be time to move on again - which gets me down. Prior to this year I was single for 4 years, mostly because i was always moving and also not having the confidence. I would dearly love to stay where I am now, but there is no job for me so if i want to stay in science i have to move to a new city again.
Do you do anything fun outside of work? It sounds corny but find yourself a hobby you really enjoy. I was suffering from seriously low self esteem in May this year, after my boyfriend just disappeared on me, and took up running. Going from struggling to run 1 min, to running 4-5 miles in 3 months was an absolutely amazing feeling. It gave me time to run the bad relationship out my head, i lost some more weight, and the endophins were great and my friends all commented on how much more confidence i had gained. Im not saying start running, but find something you love doing that isnt work, and see how it cheers you up and makes you feel worthwhile.
Why not try out one of the online dating sites if you fancy trying out the dating scene? Academic life isnt exactly great for meeting men is it? Unlike other office based jobs.
So basically what im saying is that youve realised you are unhappy as you are, so write out some things you would like to change and tackle one at a time. Take it slowly, do what you want to do first to make you enjoy life. Take every opportunity that comes your way and look back in a couple of months time and hopefully you will feel completely different to how you do now. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2006): well about the lonenly and misserable part i no, cuz in 16 years all the friend i had stabbed me in the back(literally) so basically i had to eat my own pain, since then i closed up preatty much and like u gaind weight, but now i set a new goal try to loose weight, get in shape, and try and find someone who is real, not some fake front they put when u meet them, the best advice i can give u is to try and loose weight, get in shape, and set a goal in ur life to follow no matter what u do. hope i helped (by the way im 16, and since i have memory i had no real friends so u can guess how depressing that is...)
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (27 August 2006):
 Dearie,
First, i think u brilliant and talented to be a postdoc I am into research myself in engineering.
Your weight issue seems to be a problem for you and only you can take the necessary steps to deal with this.I know that it is difficult i used to be slightly overweight myself so i understand how u feel. You must go on a strict dietary programme. If u can afford to it might be better for you to get a dietician to help. Incorporate fruits and vegertables into your daily meals. Also, regular exercise do help shapen one up. If u are in a university there should be a gymn nearby. I lost 10kg myself and went from almost a size 18 to a size 12 in a 6 months. Patience/disipline is the key and for you to know that weight loss doesnt come overnight. But believe me when u begin to loose the weight u will become happy and proud of yourself.
Self-esteem is another issue. I know some heavy weight people that are confident and go on dates, have boyfriends or are married. You should learn to love yourself and believe in you. Go for a image change like a hair cut or extensions, nail polishing,makeup or even shopping to get yourself new and sizzling wadrobe. They are many transformation u can employ to make yourself beautiful if u want to. Everyone can already see this so u are a natural and just need to work on your confidence.
Finally, get yourself lots of friends. Go out to parties,weddings, birthdays, social clubs, cinemas, e.t.c. Even re-organise your life and get yourself involved in charity works. I bet u will love it and people will begin to notice the real you.
Remember only you can get control of your life and shape it how u want so why not start now. Goodluck dear. Kelly..
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (26 August 2006):
 I am a postdoc too and it is easy to gain weight if you are doing a sedentary job and long hours. I am about your age and I cannot say I like the idea of getting old! I put on a lot of weight while doing my phd as I was ill with metabolic problems but once I finished my work I dropped the weight by diet - not a 'diet' exactly, just low carbing for a while. I broke up with my ex just before my viva, and didn't find a new relationship for a couple of years so felt everything was hopeless as I stumbled through various non-starter dates with an assortment of misfits. University careers can be VERY lonely by definition - you keep unconventional hours and only mix with a certain type of person. The only thing that keeps me sane is having a non-academic partner so I am not allowed to 'talk shop' when I get home. I know there is no magic wand to get you a perfect boyfriend but your body weight should be no obstacle to that. As an intelligent woman, you need someone around who likes you for your personality and not your dress size. Of course it is a good idea to sort out your weight for health reasons but even skinny people get lonely. I found that losing the weight made me feel better and more alive but I don't think it got me a husband - I think he would have liked me even when I was 3 stone heavier. One thing you might want to consider is going to counselling via your Uni - it is confidential and maybe a sounding board for you to get things off your chest that are bothering you at the moment. It sometimes helps to talk to someone neutral.
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