A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi i was really upset that my boyfriend looks at dirty pictures as it made me feel like i was nothing and not good enough... I know he loves me but he goes on about that its just a guy thing and i should just get over it! i have tried to get over it but seriously couldnt and broke up with him in hope that he would stop but he still says he has done nothing wrong, what does everyone think and is it true that guys NEED to do it when they have a gf?? thanks. and if we get back together should he respect my feelings and stop?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): PS: And your statement about the progression from porn to cheating is also wrong. Millions of people enjoy looking at pornography, it is a legal form of entertainment in many parts of the world. There is no automatic progression from pornography to having an affair. You are trying to frighten people with your lies. Many catholic priests have been convicted of having sex with little boys, do you also blame this on pornography, or shall I assume that reading the bible will eventually turn you into a pedophile??? Many, many Christians, get divorced and have affairs, since they should not be looking at pornography, again I must assume that it is the bible that is to blame..
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): "A man needs to be in control of his urges, thats what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom."
Sorry Mr anonymous but you are very wrong. It is our ability to communicate and talk that gives us the edge, also our ability to create and make things and manipulate our environment that makes us superior. You, like the victorians have been sold a useless lie. They thought that all humans were rational godfearing creatures too. They got a big surprise when the ruins at Pompei were discovered and they found a culture where pornography and erotica was celebrated as part of everyday life. The restrictions around pornography were created very soon after this. The logical rational humans that you talk about exist only in the pages of your imagination. Are we not living in the same world. What about the horrors of world war two, the burning chambers of Auswitch, the nuclear bomb, the burnt flesh of children in Nagasaki Japan... Man (and women) are animals, were are mammals, and yes we read, but we are "savage, red in both tooth and claw".. We like sex, we get aroused, we hate and we get jealous. This is the nature of the real world, not the fantasy kingdom that you think we are living in. Please read a newspaper sometime and then tell me about people controlling their savage urges.... Sorry babes, but that's what I feel...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hello my friend.If it is indeed porn there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. Your boy friend is imagining he wants to have sex with the female in the photo this will eventually progress to watching porn movies. Ask him to describe the man in the film and he probably couldn't even tell you the colour of his hair.For sure he thinks it is he that is having sex with the porn star, masturbation will ensue. Eventually his fantasies will progress and need to be fulfilled. Dating site's will follow and eventually sex only affairs.His emotional needs will still be catered for by yourself, and he will still have sex with you.You can capitulate like some women do for fear of losing him or you can get someone who can treat you like you deserve to be treated.Remember if you give in, it is giving him consent to follow the route desribed.A man needs to be in control of his urges, thats what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.And remember being assertive and nagging are two different things, one results in consequences.God Bless +
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Here are a couple of links that might help you understand the issues around pornography and men a little better...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-men-please-tell-me-why-they-watch.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/does-it-mean-he-doesnt-love-me-if.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): "he is obviously thinking of having sex with them."
Nope darling you are very wrong. You don't like porn and I suppose that you have never watched it yourself. People don't watch porn and think about having sex with those people, that is not how you use pornography. Watching pornography is equivalent to watching a romantic movie. Do you want to have sex with all the handsome people on TV? It's kind of difficult to describe what you think about when you watch porn. Sometimes, you think of nothing at all, but let the images wash over you and it triggers an automatic sexual reaction. I am pro-porn, and I am a female who has watched pornography alone and with a partner. I also read erotica and for me there is not much difference between the two. I can get aroused over a romantic novel, or a movie or some pornography. I get the same feelings whether it's reading "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen (no sex) or "Bambi goes to Hollywood. (Lots of sex)
I don't want to have sex with the people I see in the movies, but I do find it arousing to read or watch sexy movies. Men are exactly the same. There is no competition, pornography is fantasy nothing more, nothing less.
"i think it is selfish of him to sacrifice my feelings"... But if he sacrifices his pleasures for you, won't that make you the selfish one. Doesn't your guy have feelings too. What about a woman who leaves him, because he won't do what she tells him too. I keep asking women, if you love him, what will you sacrifice for him.
Many, many men hate soap operas, women's magazines, make-up, romance novels and romance films. They also hate the high heel shoes that women love to wear. They hate shopping, they hate gossip, they hate nagging, and they hate being controlled. Why don't you compromise with him. Ask him for a list of things he hates about you. Then give them up, respect that he has feelings too. He gives up porn, and you give up things to make him happy. You should also replace his porn and masturbation hobby with your own body. Allow him to have quick sex with you, without one thought for your pleasure, just like he dose when he watches porn.
I'm not trying to be rude, but some women have made this trade off. With pornography you don't have to think about someone's feelings. If he gives up pornography, you should try taking it's place and have sex with him in the way he wants. Many men find this a total turn on.
I bet this is a compromise that he would gladly grab and would dump porn in a second, if you agreed to give him oral sex whenever, and wherever he wanted... That's the beauty of pornography, you can masturbate whenever you want with very little effort and no feeling at all..
Please read the answers to your other post, and check on the index for other questions to do with pornography. Take special note of what men say about it, and what they think of when they look at it. You will find it has nothing to do with love or unfaithfulness at all..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): This question has been posted twice for some unknown reason.. please see the same question here....
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/his-porn-viewing-makes-me-feel-like-nothing.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): heyyy thanks for your answer but i just want to say that i think you are wrong in some ways. I do not judge my self against any other women walking down the street yet i dont like it when my bf is doing things to porn as he is obvioussly thinking of having sex with them. and yes it may be selfish to stop him "enjoying "him self", but what about me?? I am unhappy and i think it is selfish of him to sacrifice my feelings for this little habit. im sorry but that is how i feel and its not as though i have body issues just I have issues with my boyfriend prefering to jack off to other women when i thought i was the one he loved and thought was the one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hi babes,
I am so sorry that you lack confidence and feel insecure and judge yourself negatively against other women. This really will not do, you need to start believing your boyfriend when he tells you that you are attractive and he loves you, insecurity can ruin even the strongest of relationships.
"it made me feel like i was nothing and not good enough."
Nope babes. Nobody made you feel like this. You choose to feel like nothing, you choose to put yourself down. If it wasn't pornography it would be something else. I bet you compare yourself and judge yourself with other women all the time. Do you feel like nothing when you watch beautiful women on the television? Do you feel insecure and compare yourself unfavourably with other women in the street.
Your boyfriend doesn't NEED porn, but it's something he likes to look at. A woman who forces a man to sacrifice things just to make herself feel better is very selfish. This is something he likes to do, why would you want him to stop it and make himself unhappy. His love wasn't good enough for you, you threw it away because you didn't like what he was doing. Well you couldn't have loved him much anyway, because you didn't believe a word he said.
If you broke the relationship to teach him a lesson, I think that it was very cruel and manipulative of you. You may well have lost him for good, with your insecurities and your body issues. Find another guy and hope that he doesn't like pornography. The problem is that most (not all) men like pornography a lot, and if a woman hates it, they will lie about it. You might find yourself in a similar position again. Hopefully your next relationship will be porn free, and he might be able to find a partner who is secure in her femininity and will be able to enjoy pornography and erotica as part of their sexual routine.
Never compromise your values and beliefs. You don't like porn, find a man who hates it as well. Changing people and forcing them to give up things they like is no way to build a strong and loving relationship. Sacrifice can breed resentment. I've noticed that many women that hate porn, go on to demand that men give up all their women friends, and eventually get suspicions that he may cheat whenever he walks down the street. Build up your self esteem and confidence and realized that pretty girls are no threat to you.
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A
male
reader, XS1290  +, writes (15 October 2008):
Well he should respect and consider your opinion. On the other hand just because he looks at dirty stuff doesn't mean he isn't interested in you. Why not ask him what about that makes him hot, and how you guys could achieve that together. Hope everything works out!
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