| A ,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have been in a relationship for over two years and am engaged. I don't know how much I love my fiance' sometimes, and at other times I love him very much. I know that he is dragging me down with his debt and his lack of willpower to do anything with his life, but I don't want to hurt him by leaving him. He said it would kill him.No one supports my being with him. They think he's not worthy. I don't know what to do. I can't tell if I really don't love him or if that is just a defense mechanism that will go away when the relationship is over, and I'll start missing him and hating myself for what I've done. I wish there were easy answers. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to wind up living a life never being loved the way he has loved me.What do I do?
View related questions:
debt, engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Christy, writes (8 March 2005): I would leave. It sounds as if you are unhappy for viable reasons. He sounds as if he needs to get his life together and mature in himself before he can be married to and have a healthy relationship with another person. This relationship is obviously unhealthy if he cannot survive without you. This man needs to grow emotionally and financially and you cannot be his crutch or else you are punishing both of you.
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (8 March 2005):
 One option could be for you to work together to increase his 'worthiness'. It seems to me that he could well be suffering from depression. He probably has a rather low opinion of himself which has not been helped by what others may think and he may even consider that you think little of him also. You say no one supports you being with him but who supports him? Do you? Maybe he doesn't have much motivation to sort his debts or do anything with his life because he has a low opinion of himself. He needs help too. Perhaps seeing a debt counsellor would help but I think he needs his confidence building. You could try telling him why you love him, help him to feel better about himself, encourage him to go out and do more, join groups, meet his friends. You may discover another side to him that you love if he felt better about himself and more confident.Saying that, you do need to seriously work out why you are in this relationship and whether perhaps you are too scared to leave. Perhaps it isn't a case of 'do I stay or do I go?' Maybe you could also try to be a bit more independent. Go out with your friends and focus on other things rather than him and your relationship. Give yourself a break from thinking about what you are going to do. Look at it as while you are contemplating your future, you might just as well enjoy your current life.Of course one option could be to consider a temporary break from each other as a means of reevaluating your feelings and this way you could get a taste of what it would be like without him. This, however, wouldn't be easy for him and he would probably be afraid that you would never come back. But you may have to seriously consider this so that you can think about what you want from a relationship.Good luck.
...............................
|
