A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I could do with some advice. I have a friend who recently had an eye test which showed up something not veyr nice. My Mum is the dr who saw him, and in her clinical opinion, and that of the other person she asked, the only reason for this anomolie is some sort of space occupying lesion (brain tumour). He is only 20, and has been referred to the hospital. His appointment is on tues and he is understandably very concerned. The Drs havent told him what they think it is, because he is living a long way from home, and they do not want him to panic. However because it was my mum who saw him, i obviously know what it is likely to be. He has asked me to drive him to the appointment and stay with him for support, so my question is, how to i keep his mind occupied and not thinking about the impending appointment, especially when we are on our way there, or in the waiting room, and secondly if it is what the dr's think it is, how can i comfort and support him?Thank you x Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to update you all, the appointment is coming up on tues (3days away). He seems to be ok so far, he is just trying not to think about it. i have some decent magazines and some food so at least his wait in the waiting room will be more comfortable. thanks for the advice so far, and I will continue to try and be as supportive as I possibly can. x
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 My post was not a personal attack on you. I only meant to say I am a bit concerned about what your post is implying, and you didn't inform of how you came to know this information, or even if your friend knows you know. For me to give you a complete advice on how to deal with your friend I see this as essential as well. By them not telling your friend the severity of his situation, but telling you, they/your mother has put you in a difficult situation you otherwise would have not been in. I believe you would have been less concerned, and maybe even more able to support our friend, if you weren't already spooked up by your mom about the severity of his case.
Either way, I did tell you how I feel it is best you support him when going to the doctors next.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl, i didnt find your answer helpful in the slightest, apart from to question my mothers professional ability, you added nothing of any assistance whatsoever. so next time you feel the need to be critical, a place where people search for help is not the right one so keep it to yourself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2010):
First off, I seriously wonder how you came to know what your friend might suffer from. Did he tell you? He he tell your mother it was ok to share? This is private information and you have no right to know unless you were informed by him, or he allowed you to be informed. So, in case your mother feels the need to tell you confidential informations again, tell her you'd rather not hear it. She can end up in a lot of problems and loose her license as a doctor if this is discovered.
Back to your friend, just be nice and supportive, and talk like normal. Talk about every day stuff and things, maybe have some laughs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): First things first, your friend is very lucky to have someone as caring as you around him. You sound like a great friend. I am sure that he will greatly appreciate having you there to comfort and console him at a very, very difficult time. Serenity is right that the most important thing is to show him that you are there for him in whatever capacity he needs you to be right now. That you care will mean so much to him.
I am very sad that it sounds like it's going to be such bad news - illness is never fair, but it seems doubly unfair when the person is only 20 years old. You can't tell how he will react to hearing such a terrible diagnosis - he might be angry, he might be tearful, he might be in shock, he might appear glacially calm on the outside. Knowing how to deal with that unpredictability is very hard, even for those who have had to do it before. However he reacts, the important thing is that you stay calm and caring, as I'm sure you already realize. Let him cry if he needs to (and who wouldn't!), but keep focused on the positive, with plenty of fighting talk: treatments have come on a long way, the tumour might be benign, many people survive cancer, etc. etc. etc.
It is a shame that he is such a long way from home, because he needs people around him right now. He may want to speak to his family straight away, who will be understandably devastated by the diagnosis. Make sure you have a means for him to do that if he needs to, for example a charged mobile phone. I know it's a big ask, since it sounds like a long way, but if you are prepared to drive him back home if he needs to be around those closest to him at this time, that might be a very kind thing to do.
Alternatively, it might be a good idea to plan something very, very ordinary afterwards. For example, if you guys sometimes catch a movie together, you could plan to do that. This will give you something to talk about in the car on the way to the hospital. Whether he wants to go afterwards is up to him. But sometimes when someone hears very bad news health-wise, it can be comforting to know that life continues as normal. When my Mum and Dad found out my Dad had cancer, my Mum took him to buy a pair of trousers. It was a very mundane, trivial thing to do but it let him deal with the shock and reminded him that he had to keep focused on the future. Alternatively, you could also make a list of other, trivial topics of conversation for the car to keep him chatting - the World Cup, the weather etc. He might just want to be quiet, though - if he seems uncommunicative back, you can just ask him whether he'd like to sit and not talk for a bit. Be prepared to be chatty, but let him guide you.
The other thing to say is that you mustn't let on that you already know. With your Mum being a doctor, I'm sure you're only too aware that there are big issues of confidentiality here. If he found out that your Mum had divulged this information to you, even though she only did so in a caring spirit, it could be very bad for her career.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that things are not as bad as they seem, and that there will be treatments that can help your friend. If you do get a chance to update us, I'm sure we would all like to know how he's doing. Sending you tons of hope and good wishes.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (8 June 2010):
The worst things friends do at a time when they are needed is nothing. It's when they don't call, don't make time for that person, and don't ask if there's anything they can do.
All you need to do for your friend is let them know you are there if he needs you. you are taking time out to drive him so just play it by ear and see how it goes. See how he is and respond appropriately. Maybe he'd appreciate just hearing how your day has gone, random gossip, or perhaps he wants you to ask how he is feeling and listen to him talk about his worries.
The most improtant thing is just to let him know you are there for him, if he needs you. If you do this he will really value your friendship and remember what you have done for him.
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