A
male
age
30-35,
*mkay01
writes:So long story short, I'm in love with my second cousin.I went to Lebanon earlier this year, and met this girl there. From first sight we both looked at each other and thought "wow".We got along like a house on fire, it really was scary how well we got along. There was a chemistry between us from the beginning and continued throughout my trip. We would regularly go out and do things together during my time there but we never laid our hands on each other.Her being my second cousin is what held me back from doing anything with her. I later found out she felt the same way as well.After leaving lebanon and going back to Australia, we continued to talk every single day (been around 3 months) and send each other photos/videos as well.My parents thought something was going on between us while we were in Lebanon, however since we never did anything, i wasn't really lying when i said that nothing happened.Howwever whenever I was with her, everything felt different, we understand each other completely and it's scary that i've found someone like this and she is my second cousin.We even both said to each other "if only you weren't my cousin". However as time has progressed, our feelings have definitely grown to the point where a relationship is starting to brew.This long distance thing is annoying, and we have spoken about going for holidays together soon but there are major problems holding me back even though I feel she is perfect for me.She is 36 whilst I am 23. She would cop a lot of shit for this because it would seem as if im naive and shes manipulating me because she's single at this age. She's only single because her work and commitments have driven her to this point.Also, the second cousin thing still bothers me, and I know my family here in Australia would DEFINITELY not approve of this no matter how happy I am. I saw their reaction when we went to Lebanon, and I can't imagine how they'd react if I told them we are still speaking.I genuinely do love this girl, but the cousin thing, her age (i want to have kids and I feel like 26 is too old to consider this with her), and the distance between us is a factor that I consider stopping this now rather than later where we both get hurt more.I can't leave Australia, but she is willing to come here to start a life with me, which is something I don't think I can do. I can't make someone pick up their life and move just for me, and I can't promise it'll work out.I told her about this and she obviously got upset. She said that if i truly loved her i Would do anything to keep her. Whilst I do agree with her, i also fear the backlash, isolation, and problems that would occur with this relationship happening. She said ultimately this decision to leave is mine, since she will fight to keep me.I need some advice as to what options are, or how to approach this.Personally, I want to have kids with a younger woman, however she really does complete me, and vice-versa.I laughed at cousin relatiobships all my life, and look at me now.Advice guys?
View related questions:
cousin, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 I am glad to hear you are thinking this through! I've grown up hearing "age is just a number" and my own parents had a 14 year age difference so when I met my first serious bf, I thought things would be just fine. Not. It was difficult and he kept trying to make decisions for me and I resented his "I know more than you" attitude when I really wanted to try things on my own. You mentioned that you want kids and in my humble opinion, 23 is still too young for that. I'm a few years older than you and would love them but deep down, I know that am not yet ready. There's a lot I need to and want to do first.
You probably just finished your college education or maybe actually still working it. Then of course, you must establish a career while still trying to find your footing as an adult man and discover possibilities within yourself. She is four years away from forty and has had many experiences. She is already more aware of herself and what she truly wants in life. She is trying to take the lead in this relationship and using your affection for her to do it with this "if you really love me" thing.
Affection and chemistry are there yes, but true love takes some time to be nurtured. "If you really love" should not be used in a relationship...
The age difference and the family reactions are two factors that already would make the relationship difficult, add the stress of moving to a whole new country and you have a recipe for: resentment, frustration and regret.
You care for her and don't want to hurt you. But I think you are right in considering ending this sooner than later. There's a song lyric that goes "...be sensible with your new love and don't be fooled thinking this is the last you'll have..."
There are many other chances for love.
But, if you choose to stay with her, be prepared for the hard work entailed. If she is truly worth the disapproval from your family and everything else that will come into play, do it with a ready and willing heart.
Take some time to really think things through and remember that though love is a wonderful, precious thing, it should never make you feel pressured of helpless...
All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2017): I guess it all depends on how liberal-minded the overall family is. If her side of the family has more Arab-leanings traditionally, and think more religiously; you may have a problem on your hands.
I honestly feel you're making a serious mistake; because of cultural-attitudes and the way women are often ostracized apart from men in these situations.
I also think you're not quite mature enough yet to handle all that might be involved; because young people your age throw caution to the wind when infatuated; and don't fully realize the consequences of their actions. You may not be fully-prepared for how general-society and family will respond to your relationship. Her family may disown her, or do their best to intercede to separate you.
Sorry, 13 years is too large of an age-gap if you're only 23. You'll age much slower and she has only 4 more years until she's 40. I don't see you feeling the same for her when you're 36 and she's 49! She will go through menopause and may not have the sex-drive you'd be expecting from a younger-woman of child-bearing years.
Then there will be the issue with immigration laws. She can't just up and move from Lebanon to Australia and stay.
You fell for her over the course of a visit. Vacations to exotic-destinations are good backdrops for romance. It enhances your feelings and you can fall quickly into whirlwind-romances that don't really last. Oh, how many times have youngsters proclaimed it to be for keeps; only for it to fizzle in a matter of months!
The only thing consistent about youthful-love is inconsistency! Quickly in, and quickly out!
It doesn't necessarily mean real chemistry was created; just that everything just fell into place. You had the benefit of a romantic-atmosphere that had more to do with your feelings than she did. Not discounting her appearance. Lebanon is quite a beautiful place. I love the cuisine!
I think this will pass. Especially when you see how complicated it will be bringing her to Australia; and the reactions you will receive from family members.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (27 September 2017):
The age difference and family relationship constitute two difficult problems. How long were you with her in Lebanon? You'd want at least several months (and hopefully more) of being together in order to make sure that your relationship would not quickly turn into a flame-out. Stringing along a LDR is not enough to judge how well the relationship could turn out. Nearly all of us get into relationships that we think are the best thing in the whole world, only to eventually be disappointed.
The family issue would make things quite difficult for you, especially if you were to co-habitate near your parents, who have already expressed their disappointment.
I am sometimes OK with cousin relationships...both Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin married first cousins. However, your situation brings complications that are insurmountable.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 September 2017):
 You *are* naive compared to her. If she does anything with you, you become her boy toy, nothing serious.
Please, OP; there are literally BILLIONS of people who aren't related to you - don't chase someone who is.
You're taking this too far too fast. It sounds like she wants to use you to get out of Lebanon.
This isn't love; it's a crush on your part and she's playing you, making you feel guilty for not "truly loving her".
OP, please stop talking to her. This is a mess. Tell your parents she's trying to convince you to marry her. It's ridiculous behaviour for her and you need to stop yourself making a big mistake. Block her.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 September 2017):
Second cousins? In my view walking away from a woman you love because she is distantly related is foolish. I don't know what the law is like in your country but there is nothing blocking second cousins from marrying in the US. You can do an internet search on famous cousin marriages.
Under normal circumstances cousin marriage can be hard but it can work if the two people are deeply committed but The age difference and your desire for children adds a whole new level of complexity. Thirty six is not to old for a woman to have children but if you do marry her you would have to have children right away. Is she willing to do that? How many children do you want? Is she willing to spend the first years of your married life pregnant? That can put quite a strain on the marriage.
I'm sorry to say that the age factor as well as your being cousins may make this relationship untenable.
Best of luck to you what ever decision you make.
...............................
|
