A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello there.A brief overview: I am 18, female and very much in love. With another girl who may or may not know about this. My feelings for her have always been there, burgeoning and intensifying all the time, really outstripping all other trifling fancies. To the point where I see her face, remember the smell of her fresh-washed hair, the music she loves... during my university entrance exams, interviews etc etc. It took years for me to finally accept my sexuality- it is a rather complex thing; I once thought of myself as a bisexual man entrapped in female form. There is only her now. I really only accepted this late last year; I fear that I have practised hiding this for so long that it has eroded or at the least is hampering my ability to be open about my feelings. Perhaps her sexuality is just as ambivalent as mine... in the years I have known her, she has confessed feelings of love for some female artists (following which both the feelings of relief and jealousy would gurgle in me) but there is always hesitation, something holding her back. Maybe it’s her family’s strict religious adherence. Maybe it’s my family’s conservativeness, if she’s ever thought about me in the romantic way I so desired. And there is my reaction to take into account too, GOD I WISH I would stop automatically playing the nonchalant listener when she sings about her crushes. My heart cracked at times like that. When she ignores or does not call me... I’d enter my blues mode immediately and can only cheer up the next time we talk; this can drag on for a month or two when one of us goes overseas or when she focuses on her examinations.What is worse, especially after abusing the bottle (okay well, before you think of me as an inebriated sag, I’m a poor drinker, a standard drink would melt me to uncontrollable laughter or sobbing), I would feel empty for hours, cry myself to sleep, cry when I look at really, anything. A mug, a candle, a highlighter. Anything- there are so many memories of her. My low self-esteem and social ineptitude when anything remotely suggestive of same-sex relations comes into play gets the better of me, I mean, how on earth should I respond to her when she goes on her infrequent talks of her loves? I need some advice on this, even just to talk as a friend would. It seemed impossible to talk about my feelings for her, as always, when the moments presented themselves. She would say “I love you” occasionally, but she says that in the same way to all her friends. All these hopes and self let-downs... I really am spiralling into mental degradation. Oh and I haven’t mentioned... she’s my best friend. The thought of losing her as a friend is way more heartbreaking than the dreary state I’m in now. I have been so focussed on maintaining our friendship that I really only have two very close friends, her included of course. And it pains me to think I have to always lie to them about one of the most important aspects of me.I really really really want to come out, to her first, it would mean the world to me, to stop deceiving her (hypocrisy, pretences of heterosexuality, I am sick of pointing at good-looking men in films, sick of the gleeful pretences of lusting for their appendage period), do something for myself for once, instead of attending to her every need, emotion, whim, song, always. It’s been too long; I have fallen for her quite literally at first sight about five to six years ago, about a third of my life thus far, half of my ‘conscious” life- I have barely a single memory of my childhood, they were all but a blur. This is practically a mini essay- Sorry for going on and on, and believe me, it will continue until I fall asleep. Thanks for reading
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best friend, crush, her ex, jealous, period, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Agony Aunt Annabel  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 Okay Honey, I don't know where to start and I'm semi-professional at this, but it's great how much detail you put into it.First of all, it is great how much you care for your friend.I understand why you don't want to lose her as a friend, so however you go about releasing your feelings for her, try not to scare her off.Your best bet is to slowly try and get her comfortable with the idea that you are attracted to girls. Start with something like a girly sleepover, just you two. Watch a romantic chick flick (if either of you aren't into those, this could be more complicated). Then, subtly ask her something like "what do you think of girls being with girls? Like, romantically." If she reacts positively to it, then that's a good sign. If not, it will either take longer, or it's not possible.Be patient; don't offload it all onto her in one night. Watch this film first, then if you like it's plot, watch it with your friend and see what she thinks of what goes on in the movie; it's about coming to terms with a lesbian relationship but it's a comedy too, so it's light-hearted and not too forward: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0264761/ Good Luck:)
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