A
male
age
36-40,
*nxiousBoyfriend
writes:Hello, I’m going to say sorry ahead of time for the super long post. (Err.. essay.) Hopefully it’s bearable for someone. A little background information for you. I'm 22, and I've been dating my 19 year old girlfriend for 9 months now. We met at school, and still go to school together today. I was fascinated by this girl, and we quickly learned we feel the same about many things in our lives. We hit it off, but after a rough ending to my first serious relationship, I wanted to be cautious with my heart. (Such as make sure my feelings were real before I told her I love her, etc.) After 8 months I told her that I love her, and she feels the same way about me. Rewind. After me and my last girlfriend broke up, I was torn up inside. I tell you this so I can try to explain how my heart is. When I love someone, I really really care for them. They literally have my heart. I am not attracted to other women I meet, I do not flirt even if a girl was trying to flirt with me. (And not just because I think it's wrong, but because my heart causes me to have no desire to. Which I feel is a great attribute.) I think about the one I love ALL the time. No matter what I'm doing. It's hard for me to explain just how much i care. It took me months and months to get over my first serious girlfriend. I was depressed for a long time, and could not get thoughts of her out of my mind.(and I don't neccessarly mean "I miss her" thoughts, I mean thoughts of things she did, what she's doing, angry thoughts, etc.) It messed with my mind a good while. But eventually I healed and became happy again on my own. Enter my new girlfriend. (Over a year after my other relationship ended.) As any new found relationship, it was blissful in the beginning and as I said I was fascinated. She's so different than any girl I've ever met. This girl is extremely attractive. She's smart. She doesn't get involved with the party scene and she doesn't even drink. (Which is really rare this day and age in college, and is commendable.) She doesn't go out or anything like that. She spends alot of time with me during the school year. And I love all of these things about her. I am really happy with her, and she always tells me that I make her really really happy. She says I'm the most wonderful boyfriend because of all the things I do with her and for her, how much I care about her, how I'm different than so many other guys. I have never yelled at her, never cussed her, and I always talk to her in the calmest way I can about everything. She also boosts my ego and calls me sexy, hot stuff, etc. just as I call her beautiful, cute, hot, etc. Another reason why I love her. Now don't get me wrong, she's not perfect because no one is. She has her times where she will get a really bad attitude and will talk to me in a way that hurts, even as I plead with her and talk as calmly as possible. I've noticed alot of this is actually mood swings she has, I believe due to hormones as they seem to come around certain times. And because of my big heart, things she says and the way she acts can get to me pretty bad. She will also say things that sometimes surprise me a bit.This summer, she's gone 2000 miles away to work at a summer camp for over 2 months. When we discussed her going, of course I knew I would miss her and wished I could spend summer with her, but I decided and told her that it would be a good experience for her and actually thought to myself that it would be like a test of our love. After a few days i realized that I hadn't thought it completely through. She's been there for a month now, and obviously I'm missing her pretty damn bad. I think about her all day everyday. What makes this situation really bad for me is the fact that on the SECOND day she has all the counselors telling her that it is normal for all of them to just sleep around at this camp. Yes, at this kids camp. She had people of both genders straight up discussing and telling her "Oh yea, it's all good. It's just camp. What happens here stays here." and some admitting to being in relationships but not caring. I'm the type of person that is sickened by that. It infuriates me and I can't believe so many people have so little morals. How can a person live with themselves cheating like that? Now, she stuck up for us and spoke of how she would much rather have a nice relationship than a short time of satisfaction and then feeling horrible with guilt. Here's where my problem comes in: I can't help but think of something bad happening. I know I am being insecure. I trust my girlfriend, but for some reason I always think of things that COULD happen, and I get really worked up. The week she told me about the situation she was surrounded by I couldn't hardly eat I was so bothered. I had some conversations about it with her shortly after she told me, and expressed my concern. She had a period of a really bad attitude, but she reassured me she loves me, doesn't want to screw it up, wouldn't do anything, she's smarter than that, etc. My mind is what hurts me. As I said, she is extremely attractive and I know guys will flock to her. And I know guys will always do that, and will always hit on her. I know that will happen, and understand there's nothing I can do. But I start analyzing everything and imagining guys hitting on her, and flirting with her, and then trying to make a move on her. Ill be doing something random and think of bad things happening. Or if I hear or read about someone cheating or getting cheated on, I will think of something bad happening. I should add that I don't have constant communication with her. There is no cell phone service, and she can only call about 2 or 3 times a week. For a specific incident, she was in town and text me and told me she was going tubing with some of the people she has become friends with there. Most of them were guys, which obviously makes me a little anxious, but at this time I had realized I needed to just trust her. She trusts me. So I simply said, "Ok. Have fun and be safe." And I think she was really appreciative as she said "Thanks Babe!" And I actually felt good about that. Then later she informs me that everyone was drinking. (I haven't mentioned that all of these counselors also go get drunk and some get high on their nights off.) So her being around guys who are drinking really gets to me and makes me start thinking that something is even more likely to happen. THEN she tells me that she had a couple of light drinks (Smirnoff Ice, she's drank a few before). This really really gets me worked up. I don't get angry, or yell or anything like that, it just makes me concerned since she decided to do that now when she hardly ever ever drinks anything. I'm concerned that she did it so far away and around people she hasn't known very long. And I plan to calmly talk to her about this concern when she calls.The thing is, she has never given me a reason to suspect something might happen. She spends her time with me, doesn't hide things from me, doesn't flirt with or hang out with other guys. And she seems to COMPLETELY trust me and never worry. I really think it's amazing how she is like this. She lets me go out with friends, never questions my loyalty. And I never given a reason to. Ill be out with my friends and text her really nice messages letting her know Im just thinking of her and things like that. And I'm not like the obsessive type to just take her cell phone and go through it all the time, or get upset and say "WHY ARE YOU TEXTING THEM?!" or anything like that. But I do have occasional negative thoughts of what COULD happen as I have stated. I think of what COULD happen, and create scenarios in my head that make my heart hurt. Like I'm afraid to get hurt. I will literally think of something sexual about her and then imagine someone ELSE out there doing it with her and I get SO worked up. Even a thought of someone else kissing her does it, because If she even kissed someone else or someone kissed her, that alone would tear me up. (I actually go as far as to think it would cause a downspiral of our relationship because It would then cause me to have a trust problem.) Because that's MY GIRL. I see myself as hers and she's mine, and I can't stand imagining someone else being with her EVER or I get worked up. So when I haven't heard from her in several days, or an event like the one above happens, I imagine something bad happening like her getting influenced and convinced to do something wrong, that would in turn, ruin our relationship because of how bad it would hurt me. And I know it's me being insecure. The thought of her facing all of these temptations scares me I guess. I'm afraid that a terrible mistake could be made, especially if she had drank something (even if its not much) when she never does. Any advice on how I can help myself, If i should talk to her about and what I can say to her about my insecurity, or how I should say something to her? If I do, I don't plan on talking to her about it until she's back because I don't want to ruin her time, and think it would be much more effective and personal to talk face to face about it. It’s 5 more weeks until she gets to come home and I’m dying. I miss her so incredibly much, and she tells me she misses me bad. I get bad anxiety when I’m waiting for her to call and especially when she doesn’t and I expect her to. My biggest problems are my thoughts and visualizations about what's going on. I trust this girl. I love her. I’m just insecure about certain things, and I don’t want to hurt our relationship. I will add one last thing: She has never said I’m insecure or that a have a trust issue or anything like that. I realized this on MY OWN and am coming here for help. Just as I typed this I received a call from her and also opened a really nice letter she sent. It made me feel alot better and calms me down. But some thoughts still arise later on.
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broke up, depressed, drunk, flirt, insecure, kissing, move on, no desire, period, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Also, I worked at a summer camp, while I was with my boyfriend. At that summer camp, many staff members were fine with hooking up with each other (during off time, not while campers were there). No one bothered trying anything with me, because I made it clear in the first place that I had a boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Since she hasn't done anything, why bring it up to her? It's really a non-issue in that she's not actively doing things that make you uncomfortable. She's just doing her job, hanging out with kids at a summer camp.
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reader, AnxiousBoyfriend +, writes (21 July 2010):
AnxiousBoyfriend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help so far. I live alone right now, and I also have alot of time at work to sit and think to myself, so this is when I dwell on things, and sometimes brew negative thoughts. I feel a little better reading other people's questions, answers, and stories about their problems with insecurity. I guess I just have to continuously think about the reasons why she wouldn't compromise us, and why it's me she's with.
What about talking to her about this? Do you think I should discuss my insecurity with her, and how should I? Would it help? I worry that she won't understand and won't be receptive. A part of me thinks it will help, and another part of me thinks bringing it to light for her will somehow make her less attracted to me. (Seeing as how people's insecurity problems can push partners away, and if she's more conscious about it, it may.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): Don't feel bad or worried just because other people don't have as good of morals as you do. Here's the thing: it takes two people to have sex. If she's already made it clear to her camp coworkers, then she's stood up for your relationship already. It's hard, yes, to be so far away and to know that less-than-savory people are hanging out with the one you love. Take a deep breath. Until you have good, concrete solid evidence that she's wronged you, you're fine. It's you she's with. It's you she's writing letters to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): I think you have to understand that all these thoughts are entirely fictional. If your girlfriend truly cares about you and has the values you say she has, she won't cheat or be disloyal even if she does get drunk and is around other guys.
I have the same issue which is why I read your post. I'm slowly getting over it because I trust how my girlfriend feels for me and she wouldn't compromise such a love for sex or other guys. The insecurity won't go away easily but you have to allow yourself to trust her. You say that you do trust her, but don't fool yourself. You clearly don't to some extent and that's fine. You have to acknowledge the extent of her feelings for you and analyse the likelihood of her ruining such a connection.
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