A
female
age
41-50,
*ovelygirl
writes:There is no denying that I will have to leave my husband as I don’t love him any more no matter how much he tries now. The question is when and how ? I feel trapped in a prison of my own circumstances. We were university sweethearts and then we got into a long term relationship. Then he became my husband …he changed slowly My husband became a very uncaring, insensitive, unhelpful man and he remained so till I told him that I would leave him if he does not change. He changed very quickly after I said this. The major turning point was when I had delivered my baby. My Mum was there but she is not very helpful around the house (she has always been a career person).I suffered a great lack of sleep .I was doing most of the work at home …cleaning ,cooking and breast feeding my baby. I felt almost dead everyday. My husband did not change a single nappy for 6 months and on the other hand used to criticize me about so many things. I felt so depressed , helpless and so tired. I had no help with any chores. He saw me everyday but never ever realized my state. (does he really love me?). My despair turned into anger directed towards everybody……my child, him, my mum …….myself. Things got from bad to worse and he only got worse .I was doing the balancing act of managing my career and my baby. I wanted to be successful at everything.. and I was quite successful with my career. My husband despite being good at work did not do very well in his career at this point. He started becoming very distant and there days we never talked to each other for days .My son was two years old when I realized something fishy is on….He was on the computer for ages …. late at night. I then discovered that he was cheating on me on the net and having what they call cybersex with lots of women.I recorded everything through a special software and I still have a copy of it. He broke my heart ! He was even going to meet someone he met on the net. Anyway the truth came out from me one day.He was very ashamed , remorseful as he is to this very day and has apologized many times. He did change his behavior towards me .He gave up smoking ( a habit which I hated).He became more helpful towards me and he started giving more time to our son.He has changed for good he says. Here is the problem….I cant trust him anymore. I don’t find him attractive any more. Sex with him is just basic instinct not love. After all we have been through I cant really go back to the life we had before.I feel sorry for him but I feel like leaving him. Should I live with him in the hope that I can love him some day…..or should I try and find someone whom I can trust and love completely ?( I am sure there are many men out there who would want to spend their life with me.)I have not told this to anyone as yet .Such is my life ….Should I leave him?
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at work, cybersex, depressed, the internet, trapped, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (18 November 2007):
 Hey Lovelygirl - these sound like the thoughts of someone trying to understand the strength of their feelings. The preparation to doing something they never expected/wanted to do. Are you still trying to justify splitting up with your husband? I suppose one of the problems is that he didn't actually commit adultery. This makes it more difficult for you. I am guessing you are still having some doubts. My suggestion would be to post again explaining more about your feelings right now.
Perhaps your situation needs looking at differently - are you desperate to get away from your husband - anywhere as long as not with him. Or, are you planning/wanting to find someone else?
You have also mentioned about wanting to love completely ... but have not expanded. Can you add anymore to this?
Your question also seems to be about timing. How old is your son now? What other factors in your life will affect the timing ?
Richard
A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (17 November 2007):
 Hi there, lovelygirl. I think you suffered ante natal depression after you had your child, then that developed into classic depression. You need t get to the doctor and discuss possable medication and counciling. at the same time or sometime soon after, you and your husband should give marrage councilling a go. If after you have spent a few months on the anti depressants and been through some counciling TOGETHER you still dont feel your relationship is going any where, then yes you can leave. but try these things first, especially get the depression sorted, you may feel your dealing with it, or no longer have it but you letter suggests otherwise. I wish you all the luck in the world hun xxx
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