A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 31 year old female. I feel as though my life is slipping away fast!! I feel that I am not at the stage of life I would like to be at. Part of me feels I made some poor choices and I also resent my boyfriend for leading me on....I love my boyfriend dearly and have never wanted to marry another...I have had many longterm relationships in the past but let them go to find "the one".I had an established career, Have good savings, once owned a home and sold it, travelled the world, have a great group of friends and family.I left it all to be with a man that I thought was the one...unsure now because of my situation.I moved across the land and left everything behind...I moved to another country to be with him. I gave up my career ect and have been living in limbo for 2years. I cannot work as I am staying in the country as a visitor and am burning through my savings. I was promised marriage and am still not engaged. My carrer skills are slipping away as time passes. I own no home as I live in his condo. I have no friends here, no family and not in the place I want to be. My boyfriend tells me he wants all of these things that I want ie married, kids, nice home but I feel like I am waiting and waiting watching the clock tic....I feel I am a beautiful girl, I never had a problem meeting me and getting a date, had a lot going for me but I just feel like I am at a standstill in many aspects of my life waiting for him to move forward. I know the money for him is somewhat tight right now due to some poor business ideas but he makes wonderfull money. I know there are some uncertainties due to some issues we have caused. I love him dearly and don't want to let go. As I am experienced with relationships and feel we have a good thing but on the other hand I am unhappy with my life...I don't know what to do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): From the OP: Thank you for the wonderful advise. I guess I get so confused because he says he is going to propose then doesn't. This has been the same story for a over a year now. I never wanted to pressure him into this. I just keep waiting. He knows where I stand. I recently asked him if he wants to get married. He always says yes we are working towards it but is not ready now. He calls me his fiance but I am really not and it hurts me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): Your clock is ticking. Having kids at your age is fine, but you can't wait 10 more years. What puzzles me is that you contradict yourself. First you say that he says he's not ready, then you say you don't think he's ready when he says he is.
Trust him, I think he's ready. He's not a baby, he's 28, and 3 years difference isn't a big issue at all at your age. Or are you that much more wiser than you were yourself at 28? And who are you to decide if he is ready or not, that decision, in all honesty, is up to him. Could it be that you are the one who is not ready? If he said to you he is ready, has he asked you to marry him and you said no, or has it just been conversation and you are waiting for him to ask you? If that is the case, again, why not just ask him to marry you?
I understand that is is harder to not make friends when you are not in work, which is another clue to your problem. All of your problems are linked together: not getting married= no job= no friends and no money. Again, he can't really be expecting you to simply walk around at home and live off of your savings forever? It's time to have that talk and make a decision for what you want! And if you want to marry him, then I say go for it! Don't hide it away with him not being ready or whatever, if he says he's ready then trust him on that. And if he really is not ready, after all this time, then what are you doing with this guy, because he might not ever be quite as "ready" as you want him.
I also think a good husband isn't made before he is married, and it can take some years into the marriage before he's gotten accustomed to his new role, so looking for a man now that is already "husband"-ish enough won't work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): op-thank you for the advice. Yes I could work if we got married. My boyfriend isn't ready to marry me. He feels that we need to spend more time together because of some issues. But it is at my expense I suppose. I am having a hard time meeting friends because I am not working. I have met a few but they are not fullfilling like my friends. I am also missing my family and my life. Having the options to do what I want, legally.
I also feel he may not be ready, at the same stage as me. He says he is but his actions and comments at time say otherwise. I want children soon. He says I make him feel like a tool because my clock is ticking. I want a house which we can afford. He thinks we should be happy in a 700sq ft condo. I love to garden, bbq and decorate, have family and friends over. I feel like we are at differant stages. He is 3 years younger than me. He's 28.
I guess I just don't want to waste more time but I am not sure if I am willing to let go. My options are to go back to Canada and start over, stay and wait it out, get him to come to Canada where we can both work. He may not because his career is established here and his condo. I am in such a tough spot. I feel like my clock is ticking...is this wrong?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): If you were married with him you could work there right? So why aren't you two married yet? Two years of burning up your savings isn't good, everyone gets that, even your boyfriend. So what's his thoughts about it? Surely he can't think the situation as it is is brilliant?
As for making new friends, thats up to you. You have to be active. Its not your boyfriends job to make friends for you. You are unhappy with your life, but not with your boyfriend, so you need to take a step forward and do something to change things, and stop blaming your boyfriend. You want to marry him? Popp the question and get it done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): from the op: I must mention that my choices are to stay in the U.S and wait for the proposal, then marriage then hopefully kids and I will be able to work legally, buy a home together and build a life here.ect
move back to Canada and start over...feels lonely and I will miss him terrably.
See if he will relocate to Canada where we can both work..but I don't think he will as he has his career established here and a condo here.
The question is he is younger than me 3 years, he's 28 and I don't feel he is ready for the things I want, He tells me he is but also make other comments that make me dought that. He says we should be happy in a 700sqft condo, when I want a house that we can afford. I love having a home to decorate, cook, entertain, garden, our dog ect I want kids soon as I am 31, he says I make him feel like a tool just because my clock is ticking, and get married ect....bottom line I feel I don't want to waste time that I don't have....is that wrong? But I am not sure if I am ready to loose us.....I am in a tough spot.
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