A
female
age
30-35,
*_Mae93
writes:I have never felt this way before until now. I'm 21 and l have a 3 year old daughter. For the past few months I have been very unhappy with my llife. I have no friends at all my life consists of going to school or staying home. I have no one to talk to or hangout with. A year and a half ago I had a ton of friends I was happy the happiest I had ever been. And now I feel like idc if I live or die. I'm 21 but yet feel like I'm 40! The guy I was dating for over a year we broke up 3 months ago and we are working things out because I'm not ready to be I'm a relationship with him right now because of his behavior. He acts like some times I'm just nothing to him. Idk if its because I'm already unhappy and depressed and I just want the type of relationships that's on movies where the guy holds you and wipes your tears away and tells you things will be okay and all that. But he's far from that. He plays video games most of the time when he's not working or he's with his friends. I have no job because no one in my area is hiring. I'm upset about that and having to struggle with money. So my ex helps me financially. Idk how to be happy with my life. At first I thought it was withdrawals and side affects from not having my medicine today because I have ADHD because usually I'm in a great mood but today I'm not at all. On weekends I do nothing I just sit at home pretty much every day and every weekend. Any ideas on how I can help myself?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2014): Some really good advice here, and I would like to add how big a role social isolation plays in depression. I'm going through a period of social isolation (health problems, being on disability, not having friends where I live) and have noticed throughout my life that I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I have people in my life and am working full-time or part-time.
I noticed you wrote "I have no one to talk to or hangout with. A year and a half ago I had a ton of friends I was happy the happiest I had ever been" and this is VERY telling.
We need people in our life. We need friends who understand us, are supportive - or acquaintances to hang out with and have fun. When we end up socially isolated, we end up depressed. And when depressed, it's harder to get back out there again. Depression makes everything harder - but we have to choose whether or not we want to be happy (which takes some risks but is worth it) or stay miserable (which ultimately takes a lot more work).
Can you re-connect with the people you used to know? Is it possible to make more time for yourself (have your ex or parents babysit) so you can socialize? Maybe join some meetup groups and find people you have things in common with? There are a lot of groups for women, probably groups for single mothers.
It will make a huge difference to have friends back in your life again. It will make you happier, and when you're happy it will be easier to accept your mate as he is and not expect him to fulfill your needs, and if he is toxic, it will be easier to let go of him.
As a mother especially, it's important to take care of your emotional health. You're responsible for bringing a healthy human being into this world, and are also a major role model for that little human being.
Good luck with the job search - I hope you can at least find part-time work which will put you in contact with other people again - and have people back in your life again - I cannot emphasize how important this is for your emotional well-being. Remember how you felt when you had friends, keep remembering, and bring that back into your life again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2014):
 I can't improve on what Cindy said, it's perfection in advice-form.
ONLY you can change your life. Start with ONE thing at a time. Focus on that. Set GOALS you can actually reach.
Like finding a job.
- EVERY state has a place where you can get help building a resume and post it online. So START with going to your local unemployment/work office and get started. Now don't expect that because you filled stuff out, the job is going to land in your in-box 30 minutes later. KEEP on TOP of this. Go down and tweak your resume/post if you get no bites.
If there is a specific job that YOU can do and WANT to do, find a store, office and go ask if they take applications. If they do, GREAT! fill one out. (and be smart to bring a copy of your resume with you.)Don't sit at home and try and get a job over the phone. BE PROACTIVE.
Once THAT goal is achieved, you move on to the next. DO this for YOU and your child.
Another thing, I think you need to consider is exercise. That doesn't mean you have to sign up for some ridiculously expensive GYM or class, JUST get outside, stick your daughter in a stroller, go for a long walk. Check out local Thrift Stores for a jogging stroller (a used one will work JUST fine) if you like to run. It will do BOTH you and your daughter good.
I think once you start finding yourself in a happier place - got a job, get more exercise - you will find it's easier to be social. You said you had a lot of friend 1 1/2 years ago, what happened then? Did you isolate yourself from them? Or did the ex "get" the friends in the split? Either way, REACH out to one or two from the past and see. But remember IF you do that YOU will have to give it 50%, not expect the friends to do 100% for you to be friends.
Re-read Cindy's post and let it sink it. Having this PITY PARTY for one, is not getting you anywhere.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2014):
 Oh plenty of ideas. But I don't know if they'll help you, because I have ( maybe ingenerously, and in this case, forgive me ) the distinct feeling that , although you pay lip service to the idea of helping yourself, in fact you are more on the side of sitting there waiting for some saint George who will slay your dragons for you. From the outside.
It's not going to work like that. Of course a supportive environment can be of great help, but ultimately it's you with your choices, actions and mental attitudes who dteremine your degree of happiness and fulfillment.
1) Do not fiddle with your medications. Stick to what the doctor ordered. I do not know what you are taking for ADHD, but in case it's some sort of amphetamine, yeah, it figures, doing without point blank will cause very bad downs, the dosage has to be reduced gradually.
2 ) Do not try to fit a square peg in a round hole. Apparently, your bf, or ex, is nothing like you'd want him to be. Don't change him, change yourself : either you are able to accept him as he is, without feeling too affected- or you aren't and you need to change bf.
3 ) Do not have unrealistic expectations. Movies are movies - fantasy - and real life is real life. In real life, people do not have the kind of thing you mention , unless exceptionally. Anybody would get eventually sick and tired of a crybaby that constantly needs to be reassured, boosted up, coddled , fussed over and wiped her tears. What you want is a dad / young child relationship. But , between young adults ? ... One thing is wanting someone who is caring and supportive in emergencies , and special moments , but as for all this tear wiping, well, it would turn most people off- and why would you be cryng so much ?. Fix the reason why you are cryng, rather than longing for an expert tear-wiper !
4) if your depressive symptoms persist , and it's not just a bad couple of days like everybody could have, see your doctor and / or have him refer you to a specialist for treatment / counseling. Untreated depression is a bad beast.
5 ) go within. These things ( feeling lonely and disconnected and bored and useless ) happens not only and not just because there's not much going on - it's because you are out of touch with your essence, your core, your higher self. With what you REALLY are and really want and really need. We all have inner resources and untapped creativity and an almost unlimited power to transform our life to fulfill our potential , if only we can tap our inner source of guidance and wisdom. I know it sounds very New Agey, but in practice I am talking of what relious people and agnostics alike, call spirit. You are living all on the surface, preoccupied with superficial,material, menial things - a bf, videogames, girlfriends. There must be more to life, there's more meaning and deepness. Well, of course if you were religious ( of any religion ) that would help, but you can't wear a religion as if you'd wear a raincoat , I agree. But maybe you can meditate ? Do self hypnosis ? Journaling ? Creative visualization ?
talk to a counselor ?... You need to access guidance from within - your guidance to tell you what's at the root of your unease, why and in what you are not being true to yourself and to your real wants and needs ( which is generally the reason why don't get to like oyr life ). If you feel like this, it's because you are somehow betraying the real you, you can count on that.
6 ) What about your child ?... You mention her as a sort of afterthought, I'd think that a single mom of a 3 y.o. would not have a lot of free time on her hands, and would have a ready made solution for her weeekends : play with your kid, entertain her, show her stuff, teach her things.
Wait . I realize perfectly that this is not your idea of " fun ". No judgement at all. You want to dance and party, not go to the zoo and read aloud fairytales. But, taking care of a child is an IMPORTANT task and if you have the time and way to do it right, ... you should be grateful for that, and if you do not get " fun " as in "hahaha I am having a blast ", at least that should take care of your sense of emptiness and void and apathy: you are doing something vital, something precious, you are accomplishing something major that you can be proud of.
6 ) reach out. If you want new friends you can make friends, but they won't find you if you are sitting home by yourself. Choose something that could interest you , and join a class or a club or group revolving around it. It's easier to make friends if you have interests in common.
Volunteer, that would not only put you in touch with other people, but also put things in perspective for you and convince you that maybe your troubles are more manageable than many others.
Focus on your job search. I know it's hard for young people nowadays. You just need to be harder than circumstances :), and more persistent. Or, maybe they are not hiring someone with your level of qualifications- then you need to acquire new qualifications and new skills . Computer savvy ? Languages ?... Up to you to find it out and pursue it.
Initiate things, you can't be the only lonely bored person in your town. What about setting up a support group for single moms- or maybe you can steal DearCupiders their hobby and set up a mutual support agony aunts group for lonely ,broken hearted singles. Choose a theme that you want to explore, or a problem that you want to solve, and seek on line people who could be interested. There are plenty of on line bulletin boards, and Craglist type of things are not just for skanky casual encounters, you know ?
7 ) Get moving. Said by me who hate any sort of vigorous exercise :)... but it's true, physical activities generate endorphines, a lot of slugginness and bad moods just come from being too sedentary.
8 ) Make the best of the time that you have to spend alone. If - for the time being- you have no company, that does not mean that you have to be sad, and unappreciative and ungrateful for all the good stuff that you can ENJOY even on your own ( maybe even better ). Music. Art. Books ! Nature. Animals. Doing something with your hands, from a bookshelf to a knitted scarf, cooking something special. These, as menial as they may seem, are all acts of creativity, and unstuck the flow of your energy. Don't fritter away your free time by napping all day or vegging out in front of the TV. Do something that you like , and you'll see that being alone is, and can feel, very different from being lonely.
There's hope, and there's change , and there's transformation, accessible and possible in front of you. Even if you have very little money.
You just need to figure out what do you want from life
( other than a videogame playing bf ), or, actually, how would you want your life to be, and take steps toward that. It does not matter if you start small, with baby steps, due to financial limitations. A baby step is a step anyway- at least you are moving, you are going forward. You just need to figure out where you want to go.
Proviso : if you are clinically depressed , it may be very difficult / almost impossible doing that, and you would need first of all a professional assessment , and specialized therapy.
But , since you do not mention any other symptoms
( sudden weight loss or weight gain, insomnia, loss of interest for everything... ) I do not think this is the case. It seems more like a combination of lack of focus / love trouble / mental lazyness ( and a bit of self pity ).
It's not that you would not want to do stuff, it's more than you don't have people to do it with ?... That is a a remediable problem, with a bit of persistence. But, you have to cooperate to the solution, not just sit there and wait until it is served to you on a silver platter !
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