A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 7 years and we have been together for 14. We have 4 children together. Recently, he has told me that he wants to leave me because I had sex with multiple people (a total of 6, including 2 one night stands) before we were together, which I told him about before we got together. He only slept with one long term girlfriend before we got together. He did, however, sleep with me the night after meeting. He brings up the fact that I was a slut before we got together repeatedly and that he never wanted to be together with a slut. He states that he loves me but he doesn't want to stay together with a whore. I don't know what to do. I love him deeply and do not want to lose him. Is there a way to help him get past this or is it hopeless?
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female
reader, MommyMoo +, writes (23 November 2013):
I just wanted to thank everyone for their help. It amazes me that people can be so kind and helpful to someone they do not even know. I have no friends to help me get through this and you have all helped tremendously. I literally thought my life was over. I do not know if I have been "brainwashed" into being dependent on him or if it is something I have let myself become. I never knew of retroactive jealousy but I think you ae right that he has that on top of maybe a mental disorder and inferiority complex. He stated that he has felt this way before but not told me the extent or why he was always so angry. Anyway, thank you all!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 November 2013):
 FYI, age is 33, which would be 19 at relationship start and 26 at marriage. Not unreasonable. He may or may not be the same age she is.
Think about it this way, OP. If he leaves you, what are the chances that he'll find some virginal woman? Not much. I would bet that the women he meets out there will be much more experienced than you are, meaning what would be the point?
I still call serious and total BS.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 This is a form of abuse, get some support.
Ps you are definitely not a slut x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 It's possible that he has shady things to hide. What I think is more probable is that he has had this issue all along and suppressing it.
Looking at the timeline, he's never had any single life. Let's say you are the oldest 35. You met him when you were 20. Then before that he had a long term girlfriend. So he was 15 when he dated her. It was like back to back for him and he never had a chance to see what casual dating is about. He had 7 years to decide whether to marry you or not.
Having 4 children to raise is challenging. He feels like he is not getting a good bargain out of life. It's all about work, chores and feeling unappreciated.
Is he suddenly going to find a young virgin and leaving 4 kids behind? I doubt it. Not if he is super rich and can afford a house by himself so that he can attract that virgin.
He knows that if he wants out his life wouldn't be much an improvement, probably more stress and instability. So he decides to punish you for feeling stuck in the family. He couldn't cheat, couldn't play so all he could do is look back and wishing his past was different.
What could you do to help him get past this? Can you pretend to be sorry that you didn't have a crystal ball telling you that this is the man you marry and therefore not sleep with anyone? Do you say sorry every time he thinks about the past? Do you pretend you want to talk about the past so he could trust you more, so that he knows you trust him with your secrets?
Surely I won't. What I do is just ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): I find his behavior very suspect. There are two things to consider here.First:I think he is contemplating, if not having an affair. He just wants out of the marriage and using your past as a tired excuse. Seven years and four kids down the road and suddenly your past history makes you a slut? Get real? What is this guy smoking?There is no reason to defend your honor, nor allow him to demean you as a person. You were good enough to marry seven years ago. Now he gets the "seven-year itch" and decides his wife and mother of his children isn't good enough for him.Get a lawyer. Make sure he lives up to all of his moral and financial responsibilities as a father; if you must divorce. Move on to a better life. Secondly: It is likely he may be suffering an undiagnosed mental disorder. Such a sudden turn in his personality, and the inexplicable aggression may be indicative of a bipolar or anxiety disorder. Is he already under therapy, or have you noticed some other bizarre behavior over the last seven years? This doesn't sound like logical and reasonable behavior. I think there is some mental disorder behind it.If he usually takes a medication, and he is has not been following his prescribed therapy. There's the problem.If you can convince him. Suggest he see a therapist. It is unlikely he will. However; his behavior will expose itself on his job; in other ways, and he'll most likely redirect his aggression at someone else. Then you'll have more certainty that his psychological condition is the culprit behind all this. Accusations of conspiracies; and fixation on past events says a lot.If he persists with the aggressive behavior, and it is causing fear in the children; get them out of that environment as quickly as possible. They don't need to hear such things about their mother; nor should they witness you being treated in such a way. If they are old enough to talk, they are old enough to be traumatized by what they hear.Let their safety and best interest supersede remaining with their father, if he doesn't seek help or continues down this path. He doesn't have much of a chance in a custody battle; if he uses such a ridiculous charge behind his legal actions. I'm no lawyer, but I have never heard of anyone winning custody of children; because their father feels their mother is a slut for having six sexual partners before she ever met him. I'm sure lawyers and judges have heard it all.A good lawyer would give you the best advice in such a situation. Get one.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 November 2013):
 what youwish said exactly. Spot on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 November 2013):
Yeah, something's missing here. If he was with you for 14 years, and only now he's calling you all of these bad things and saying he'll leave you, then I strongly suspect that he's using the subject as a red herring (a misleading subject intended to distract you and keep you off-balance), and that it's something else that's making him say this.
The first thing I thought of when I read your post, and the fact that he's known all along about your past, I immediately thought of "manufactured outrage".
He might be cheating on you is what I think, or he's involved with something that would cause great shame on him, and is too cowardly to own up to his actions, so instead of you catching him or his looking like a complete dog in front of you, your family, his family and friends, he's trying to make you to blame for the split instead of his actions.
He had sex before you two got together, so he's no snow white. Your sexual history is nothing to be bothered by either. Unless he has been bringing up your sexual past the whole time you've been together in varying degrees of obsession, then he's not retroactively jealous.
No. I think he's into something that he doesn't want you to know, because if you did, he'd be destroyed. If I were you, I'd skip counselling just yet and hire a P.I. or do some digging on your own into finances and his habits. He could have lost a lot of money, or gotten into drugs, or cheated, or may be wanting to cheat and needs to not look like the sniveling cheating deserter, so he's manufacturing outrage.
Seriously, you need to call his BS. Tell him that you see through his game of trying to blame you, and tell him that if he doesn't come clean, then he is not a man and doesn't deserve those shriveled raisins that are passing for balls.
I guarantee that unless you've left something out of your story, he's hiding something behind this smokescreen. I'd be like "Cut the bullshit. If I'm a slut, you're the man whore who slept with me the day after we met."
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (22 November 2013):
 There was a man who posted here the other day about his difficulties accepting his wife's sexual history after 31 years of marriage. It seemed it had been eating away at him for some time but had come to a head in the past 3-4 years. But he didn't want to leave his wife.
The fact that your husband says he wants to leave you, and that it's only been a problem recently, makes me suspect he might be using this as an excuse to exit the marriage. Just a hunch.
His name calling is disgusting. The only thing I can suggest is marriage guidance/ counselling, and I hope he's willing to give that a go.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (22 November 2013):
Wow! That is terrible. Why does he think it's ok to call you those names now? He new all this when you got together and NOW IT'S A PROBLEM? This is a HUGE red flag for me.
I realize you love him. But it sounds like no respect for you as a person, a woman, his WIFE! the mother of his children. You need to get some deep conversations of what is going on. You may need to suggest a counsellor to assist you with your dialouge.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 November 2013):
Hi there.
First of all, I see that you live in the United States. Sexual activity before marriage is not a big deal here. You’re in fact the minority if you wait til marriage. Most men and women have had at least double the amount of sexual partners you have had in your lifetime before settling down and marrying in this country, and then some. So you should pride yourself on your number. Your number is LOW.
So it just now became an issue he can’t deal with after 14 years of being together?? You were honest in the beginning, and he had the option THEN to not proceed any further. But he didn’t. He chose to proceed and marry you knowing this. To suddenly, after all this time, decide it is a problem, is unfair.
He is being abusive towards you. Calling you a whore and a slut is extremely inappropriate. No one deserves to be called names and put down in this way, and you should not tolerate it. Especially since you were completely honest in the beginning, years and years ago, and he didn’t say anything about it. And especially since you have done nothing wrong to be called these words. Even if you’d slept with 100 men, don’t ever let anyone call you names like that. Especially not your husband, who is supposed to love you and treat you well.
Is it possible that there are other problems in the marriage that have pushed him away, and therefore, he’s now just using this as the reason for divorce? Or was he always pushing you on this issue? Has he always made references to you sleeping with other men and other under-handed comments? I know for me, in the past, if I was unhappy, smaller issues became bigger ones. Make sense?
Technically, in order for you to save your marriage, apparently you must be able to find a time machine and go back decades ago and reverse your sexual encounters. While you’re at it, make him hop in with you and he can go back and unsleep with that other woman he slept with, too. He’s a hypocrite. He wasn’t a virgin before marriage, either. What’s the difference between one and six? That other 5 is what makes you a whore? Please.
Anyway, I suggest couples counseling if he’s willing. If he’s not, there’s not a whole lot you can do. He sounds as though he’s being very unreasonable and irrational. As long as he’s behaving this way, what else can you do? Whatever you do, don’t let him speak to you like he’s speaking to you. No one deserves that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): i feel sorry for you. this is a heart broken. but it is something that i quiet dont understand. why after 7 years hes saying this? if he knows since he met you about this...why now fight about it? talk to him and ask what is his real concern.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Hmm, is this NEW behavior? All of a sudden he decided that he wanted to ONLY marry a virgin? (or something close to that).
You were good enough to have 4 kids with, but he can't stay married because of your past? What exactly does your SEXUAL past have to do with your relationship with him? With your marriage and with your life now?
If he off his rocker if he thinks that all of a sudden it's OK to call you names and belittle you. Slut and whore is rather demeaning. I don't know how you take that.
My question in (like FA) what has changed? Since when did he decide this? What triggered it?
I'm not even sure this is retrograde Jealousy ( YOS) on here has a lot of info on that subject so look him up. Basically RJ means that someone is irrationally jealous of their partner/spouses past and it becomes an obsession or compulsion for them. If that is what he has, he needs to work on himself, maybe even see a therapist. Though I'm guessing he wouldn't do that because it's easier to call you names and make YOU the "guilty party to his "misery".
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 November 2013):
 So what do you do when a person starts being illogical? When there is a sudden change in behavior? Usually you look for a cause. First things I would look for are drugs, an affair and stress in that order. Something is causing this or it could be that someone has planted this idea in his head.
If fourteen years isn't staying with someone, I don't know what is. And he was certainly fine with your availability when you met.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): I'm sorry, but I think you need to leave him.
He has retroactive jealousy, and in my experience, it will never go away.
Maybe if you move out, it will be a wake-up call for him to stop worrying about stupid stuff from the past and to focus on building a future with you.
If he can't see that, you need to find someone that won't worry about those things.
And you definitely do NOT deserve to be called a slut or a whore. I just hate those words and no woman deserves that.
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