A
male
age
41-50,
*r Castillo
writes:Hello, my name is Mr Castillo. I have been married for 2 years to a very beautiful, wonderful woman and our connection is beyond the effort of having it verbalized. We make ourselves feel so alive in ways that are surreal, and most of all she is my best friend. Our energy is alive, real and brilliant. This has been a great marriage up until she had confessed something that was very hard for her to confess to me, which was something about her past. Now, of course, her past has nothing to do with me whatsoever, and I understand that, but it triggered a very abusive monster in me and from than on in, it only got worse. It was the same monster that comes out when facing dissapointment that the person that I idealised has flaws as well. I became another person. I had a very violent past and only now through intense therapy and determination am i learning so much of myself to cure it. They say abusive men dont change because they dont "want to change" and I will be living proof that such men can exist. I have accepted that she is not coming back to me at all and it kills me everyday because she is truly the love of my life. We have shared so many experiences together that will make you wonder if I'm making this all up. But this is my reality now. What is hurting me the most, is that no matter how much i accepted that she is not coming back, there is still that glimmer of hope in me that is waiting for her. I've given her space (except for this one confrontation at her job as per advice from a mutual friend to 'fight for her' BIG MISTAKE). But that glimmer of hope is killing me because i have to keep telling myself that she isn't. Despite her coming back or not, I will still continue my therapy and counseling sessions because this cycyle of abuse needs to stop. I can't pass down this legacy to my child. But that hope in me pulls me back because I want to feel that I am doing this for myself and my loved ones, not myself, my loved ones and her. It will be like an alcoholic that stops drinking to come back to his wife and in the end finds out that he is no longer wanted so he relapses drinks himself to death. The strength that I am after to endure whatever fate will be wouldn't be as present as that final moment of truth. We played chess everyday and she left behind a chess board with only the black chess pieces and a missing queen, when i confronted her she had her wedding ring still on, when i asked her if we were still angry, she had to shout at me after me pressuring me no (which could be out of anger). Maybe i'm reading too much into these things and i don't deserve an answer. But my god, to be the one that damaged the relationship and feel remorseful enough to not bother her by begging her back, that i will change, it hurts. I can only make myself better from here on in, and I will. I have all the support in the world from friends and family that believes in me, after hearing all the horror stories that i have done. I have been attending a co dependency support group, psychologist and therapist, I've started to become more and more determined to achieve my goals and already are making life changes ( apply for paramedic recertification).I repented to my family and friends and attempted to do so with her parents. It came to a point where I couldn't even look at my hands, couldn't believe that I have done what I have done. It wasn't me, it was that monster in me reenacting the scenes in my past that I denied myself in feeling out. There is NO excuse, reason or logic behind what i have done, and I accept it. But how can I move on, get her off my mind completely to heal? How can I grow as a better man with this heavy amount of heartbreak? I'm still young (24) and growing into my own form. But the experiences we shared were life altering, I am her "him" and she is my "her". I hate labels but we are a constant art installation. Once again, I am at the wrong, I have confronted my own demons, I cry constantly out of guilt for what I have done to her more than the fact thats he left me. And I have been seeking help to heal myself, but how can I get her off my mind once and for all? I am a married man still, this ring will not depart from my finger EVER, I have no interest in anything ridiculous such as dating or anything of the sort. I have cut off connection from the world in order to work on myself introspectively, but this still burns. How did I end up hurting the one I love and learning too late?Marriage counseling is out of the question, she doesn't want to work on us because she's done with me. There is no hope, maybe i needed to write all of this to get it off my chest, as pathetic as it is to reduce this whole 2 years into an internet letter, but how can I HEAL? How can I stop these dreams from coming when she decides to take it atleast one step at a time with me, going to counseling, working it out, that maybe, just maybe, she will realize that we are so much BIGGER than that horrible plot.I'm going to get better for me, for my family, for my life. But, between losing her and having that pain being the shadow of the incredible guilt that I have for hurting her, I have had suicidal ideations, of course i wouldn't act on them because that would be selfish, but i found myself killing my soul over this. I truly believe that I deserve death. If any of you knew the love that we shared you would consider us the greatest greek tragedy of all time. Again, how can I, overcome this guilt, shame and blame of myself and heal? Managing my emotions comes with writing, but I can't write in my sleep, in my dreams. Please feel free to openly criticize me and/or offer advice. Thank you for whoever read all of this.
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alcoholic, best friend, her past, married man, move on, violent, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (31 August 2009):
In time you will develop the strength to forgive yourself, and with that forgiveness the pain will begin to heal.
You will probably always regret what has happened (that is natural), but you will be able to take strength from the way you have recovered and become a better person since then. You will realise what is important isn't the person you were but the person you are today, and the one you will become tomorrow.
Judge yourself not by what you did, but by what you do.
It won't happen overnight, and it won't be an easy road to travel, but I think you already know that.
You have already taken many positive steps forward for which you should be praised - and you should praise yourself also. And I truly wish you the best of luck as you continue into the better future you are making for yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): the only reason i ask about what her confession was is to understand why you reacted the way you did. the 'confession" and your " reaction" are related therefore to understand the reaction i questioned the "confession". now that you have clarified not going into details i just have this to say.you both have suffered. you both have learnt that your reaction was not the best and your feelings/emotions destroyed what you both once had. you have tried to make amends for the wrongs that you did. you have decided to seek wise counsel and the counselling has helped you to identify and recognise that your reaction was destructive.all i can say is now MAKE PEACE wih what has happened. you need to learn from this, make peace and move on. you have apologised and you need to also FORGIVE YOURSELF. THIS IS MUCH HARDER. but t can be done. you need to be strong, admitting that you were wrong was the 1st step, apologising the next step. now the final step, forgive yourself and start to heal.good luck Mr. Castillo.
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A
male
reader, Mr Castillo +, writes (31 August 2009):
Mr Castillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOut of respect I am not going to openly say what her confession was, but it wasn't worth that damage it brought from my part. I would end up blaming her for everything without realizing my monstrosity because I couldn't allow myself to feel guilt. It sounds messed up but it's true. Denial is real and alive and a Man's mind is starting to look alot more complicated than a womans.
and why she didn't tell me? because she feared telling me, everything was too perfect, but it was strong enough for her to have anxieties over. so she told me out of respect and love. I've been too much a bastard to appreciate that. I don't think I can ever love again because all the love i have to give, she deserves, all my understanding and best judgement, she deserves, she's stuck it with me through thick and thin and It's a damn shame that I needed her to leave me for good for me to understand this much.
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A
male
reader, Mr Castillo +, writes (31 August 2009):
Mr Castillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is a typo "when I asked her if we were still married she said NO" not "angry" "married"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): what was her past and how come you did not know of her past prior to marrying her??
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2009):
 The deeper the cut the longer it takes to heal. You WILL heal however. Keep up that determination to better yourself so you can regain some enjoyment in life. You don't believe it now but your smile will return.
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