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age
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writes: Im completely at my wits end. At this point I could really use some serious advice. I posted a question earlier about whether or not my ex would come back to me after I let him go to sort his feelings out. It was under 'now that ive let him go will he come back to me' for anyone who doesnt know the full story, cause its a really long one. So basically we were each others first everything, truly madly in love, and we both promised it would be forever. One day he woke up and said he realized he didnt love me anymore the same way he used to and that he couldnt be with someone he didnt love. He tore my heart into shredds. Alot of things happened after that, if you refer to my previous question for better understanding, but i pretty much found out i was pregnant and had a miscarraige after the break up. when i told him he didnt want to believe me and he pretty much turned his back on me at the only time in my life when i truly needed him there. I then cut off all communication with him but he continued to call me, show up at my dorm, and text my best friend to find out how i was, all of which i ignored. he told her he realized how much he missed me and still loved me and was confused about his feelings.finally tonight, he called my best friend and they talked about this whole break up. he didnt know i was in the room and i heard everything that was said.ive been too angry and hurt to speak to him. but again he changed the story, and said he was not in love with me anymore and that he still cared for me and wanted to be friends. and in one night, in one single moment, all of the progress i had been making to get over him completely dissolved and i found myself crumbling at his words just like i had the first day we broke up. i know him better than anyone else in the world. No one can ever have as much patience as i had with him. i know he will go through life and never find another person who could be as good for him as i was. and eventually i know he will come back to me. but i know that by then i would have moved on (hopefully). but right now i feel stuck. he handled the whole break up completely the wrong way, but not malicously. and as much as hes hurt me beyond repair, i cant hate him. i know i sound like a complete idiot for saying this, but i still truly love him. and for the longest time i tried to make him realize his mistake, but tonight proved to me that only time and experience will make him learn hes wrong and by then it will be too late for us. so what does that mean for me now? how do i get past this when im feeling so many things at once? how do i get over this break up and the miscarraige and the fact that i gave him my virginity with the promise that he would never leave my side? and if hes truly the one for me, and weve lost our chance, will i never fall in love again? or if he really is the one, is it possible we will find each other later on in life and have a fresh start to make it last? i cant seem to cope or function anymore. im so confused about this whole relationship and the person im dealing with. he seems like a stranger to me now. after almost two years together, i dont recognize him at all, i dont think he even knows himself. im so sorry this is so long, but if you could all give me some advice it would mean the world to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone so much for all your help, it was really comforting.
as for your responses
lazyguy: the reason ive been so hurt by all of this is because for most of our relationship we were both so in love. there were even times when i worried that his attachment was greater than mine and that he loved me more than i loved him. and then one day he said everything was different. and i honestly dont believe that love can be bargained. with the virginity issue, we both gave ourselves to each other out of love, but we are also both religious and believed that premarital sex was alright as long as we were going to get married anyway, which was the plan to get engaged next year. my shock doesnt stem from the fact that he said he stopped being in love with me, but that after experiencing such a loving relationship he ever had the ability to stop.
to anonymous: thank you so much for your support. its comforting to know that im not the only one feeling this way, although its bittersweet to know that someone else must feel the same pain. ive been trying very hard to sort my feelings out and let everything go.
to mandy7777: part of me wants to let him go and move on forever and the other part of me wants to hold on to the guy i fell in love with. i feel very conflicted.
icelordess: it gives me hope to know that youve been through a similiar situation and have been able to walk away from it and still find happiness. i hope im just as lucky, and if its in the cards for us to stay together that he does in fact grow up and commit.
as for an update, he actually came to see me on friday. i was walking to my dorm and he just showed up. he waited for me for two hours to get out of class just so he could talk to me. we went to my room and i spent the first hour or so yelling at him. i said everything i ever needed to say and i didnt hold back(i always had an issue with not saying everything i wanted for the sake of not hurting his feelings) but this time i gave him a piece of my mind. he sat on the floor, and for probably the second time in his life...he cried. it was so bizarre, because i was usually the one that always cried and i didnt the whole time. he told me without me in his life he lost his ambition and every urge to go on. and that seeing me in person made him realize how much he truly missed me and needed me in his life, because the whole time i was screaming at him he was so happy because i was right there in front of him. that just being around me made him the happiest he had ever been in months. i confronted him about the miscarriage and turning his back on me and i started to get teareyed and when that happened he came over to comfort me and said he wished he had gone through it instead of me because living with the knowledge that i had to suffer through that alone is something he can never forgive himself for. he kept saying he didnt deserve me and that hes selfish for still wanting me to give him another chance. that hes in love with me and cant live with out me but cant handle being in a relationship right now with anyone until he can straighten himself out. i told him he either has to commit to me or let me go completely and he said he didnt want to lose me, that he wants a relationship eventually but right now hes not ready. so in the end, its been left up to me. i dont know what im going to do. seeing him that day was comforting, it was the same guy i fell in love with standing in front of me. he didnt feel like a stranger anymore, and i know he was sincere in what he said. im just so scared of trusting him again and getting hurt. or moving on completely and throwing away true love.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 November 2008):
 While it might sound harsher then it is meant to, from your post it sounds like you believe love can be bargained.
In exchange for loving you, you love me. In exchange for my virginity, you never leave. If I give you a child we will have a family.
Doesn't work that way. Love has to come from both sides, on its own. You cannot create love in somebody else, no matter how much you try. Worse, the kind of person that makes use of person in your situation, tends to be the kind who only has one love. Themselves.
When you get over this, you need to learn that love has to come on its own. You can't trade your affection for theirs, no matter good you might be for someone (and be careful, that is a dangerous line of thought to begin with) that doesn't mean they have to be with you. People are not under contract to do what is right for them.
Accept that he didn't love you, when people start talking about "finding themselves" they are just looking for a polite way out. Accept that sometimes love is just one sided and next time stop and wait. No matter how much you might love another person sometime in the future, it means nothing if they do not love you back ON THEIR OWN.
The world would be far simpler if all that was needed was one person loving to make a relationship work, but it isn't. Trust me, everyone who ever had a broken heart wished that one sided love could work, but it doesn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): Hi dear, I feel the same way too but the best thing to do is to search your self inside, find out if you are worthy of being used like that. You are not some sort of experiment where he can find out if he really loves u or not. In my side I am so hurt because he hurt me so bad and I know I should be so mad and tell him to go to hell but I can't - I am weak at the knees. But anyway if you decide to let go of this man, keep ur self busy and don't dwell on thinking about this whole situation "this too shall pass" Dont be afraid of starting a new life for ur self, there are better people out there. And girl you are very special take care of ur self and dont let people play with ur life
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A
female
reader, Mandy7777  +, writes (6 November 2008):
Hi!! I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain!! This guy has hurt you deeply.....
Please know this: He does not love you, and I sincerely doubt he has the ability to love anyone.
I think you are having a hard time coming to grips with the pain you are feeling from all of this....Allow yourself to feel it and don't try to run away from it....You seriously need to let this guy go and for good!! Let yourself heal!! And most importantly...forgive him for what he has done....This makes it possible for you to move on...
I know this is difficult...but, you can do it!!
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