| A ,
anonymous
writes: I'm married and have been having an affair for 6 months with an old school friend. We have decided to end things as we felt we were both getting too involved. Now I feel devastated and can't stop crying. Things between me and my husband aren't great and he seems to make no effort in our relationship and I'm sick of being the one to try and sort things out. I feel so miserable and feel like I can't find a way forward.How can Ii get over my affair and get things back on track with my husband?
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): Color you selfish, really. Perhaps your husband should be the one acting selfish and focus on himself for a change. Your emotional needs were not being met, poor you. Does your husband have needs as well? Having an affair to meet "your" unmet needs is beyond selfish. Marriage vows represent the commitment we make to each other to have and to hold, etc. I am amazed how many WS use the old "now we are at the good times and bad" and forget that they trashed the whole thing with their selfish actions. They reference this vow as another selfish plea and sorry excuse for making the choice they made. If you are considering an affair please dig deep down first before rationalizing the "why I deserve this" and think about the impact this will have on your spouse and family. In response to the original post, you need to feel devastated and realize what you have done - then realize people do make mistakes and hope that your husband truly gets over this over the long haul. He is in shock at the moment and clinging to what once was but may wake up and realize what is now - a broken marriage.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): I can more than understand, and expect a lot of judging from many readers. I have been married to a wonderful man for over 5 years, but had an affair with an old college friend a year ago. I told my husband and we went to counselling, then moved to another state to make a clean start. It was all going very well, his reaction as well as my adapting to it all (the affair was very brief - only 3 face to face meetings besides the calls/emails), as well as the move, and I gave it a year to get over this guy. Well, now that a year has passed, things are getting harder. The reason being, we are trying to conceive (this is really where the judging will come in, I'm guessing) and it's been unsuccessful for over 1 1/2 years. Sometimes I think, God is not letting us conceive because of my indiscretions (regardless of who in our relationship has the infertility probs), and I also think, maybe I am not supposed to be with my husband any more, to procreate anyway. I am so confused and have taken back up with counselling on my own (I wanted to get couples counselling again and he refused). I stress that I am married to someone so tolerant and loving of me and my past actions and I definitely don't deserve him. I really want kids and the time is winding down, though I don't want to have kids just to have kids and then be thinking of other men and not be happy in my marriage (which could lead to divorce). It gets even more complicated than that, but that's enough for now...there is another man who an ideal man who has professed liking me and the other issue is that I also wonder if I'm just bored in my life (ie leading to affair last year) and having a baby would cure that because I do need something big to happen in my life every year...(here it comes...)
...............................
A
female
reader, frizztops  +, writes (8 June 2008):
Hi, I am in the same position. I just ended a 3 year affair as my boyfriend wouldn't comit to me. My husband and I are trying to work things out and I know I want to be with him. He says we need 6 months as friends first, which I agree with, but I am still tempted by my boyfriend. I know where he lives but I have deleted all his phone numbers etc. I just wish I could delete his email address from my brain! Everyone I have spoken to says time is a greta healer - cheesy but true I think. FOcus on what you have, not what you have lost. Easier said than done I know. It took me 3 or 4 attempts before I felt really ready to make the break and know it was the best thing to do and it was for good. I miss the sex alot and Imiss the kisses and cuddles, but in the end I have chosen love over a hot sex life and hope that me and my husband can work on our relationship and improve our sex life together. We have planned days out and a weekend away to give us a focus and something to look forward to. Keep looking forward, try not to be alone too much, see friends and family and indulge yourself with good food, company and treats. Time will heal you eventually, as it will me. We just have to take one day at a time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): I think you should feel ashamed, sad, and depressed. However, how long do you want to punish yourself? Here is my story; we were married in Aug. 2005, began dating in Nov. 2002 and as of Jan. 2008, we are still together. There is one reason this happened; selfishness. Well color me selfish, cause’ you need to be selfish with yourself. Really, it happened because my emotional needs were not being met. This guy that I cheated on my husband with wasn’t looking for an affair either. He was having problems with his live-in girlfriend; he often stayed at our house, on the couch, when drunk and/or fighting with her. We started to talk, my husband present and all. He started to compare me to his girlfriend. If my girl did half of what you do for your husband…..ya know….blah…blah…blah! I would actually give him heart-filled advice on how to work out his relationship. Then my husband would send me to the bar to pick the guy up cause’ he is drunk again, same old shit, just a different night. So I drive by myself to the bar to pick him up; he’s drunk, but not smashed. I went into the bar to get him, when he was supposed to come out side, and I wasn’t supposed to go into the bar (got a DUI, could be in a bar for a while). After 20 minutes of persuading him to leave before he is smashed drunk, he agrees to leave. As we are about to get in to the truck, he pulls me to him and kisses me; out of no where! I go with the flow, in shock! I didn’t think that we had that kind of vibe going on. Well I pull away, just as we get into the truck and are pulling out, there is my husband pulling up. He’s wondering what’s taking so long...is everything ok. We play it off; I didn’t tell my husband what happened. I never have told him about that event. That was the start of a very painful road. Random reasons I would have to pick him up or drop him off, talk to him, he would stay at the house on the couch, all the more pursuing me. I said nothing to anyone about what was going on. I was turned on; it was hot, and exciting. I was confused big time!!!!! On a different night, he wasn’t staying the night, he let himself in. I was sleeping in my room with my husband, he pulled me out of bed, took me out side on the porch, kissing me passionately, deeply, and forcefully. Telling me he is in LOVE with me, he wants me, he will be better to me that my husband. Crazy sh*t! Well he had a fight with the girlfriend, and has been drinking. I push him off of me and dam near on the ground and sent him away. I went back to bed. I didn’t comprehend what had happened until the morning. I thought it had to have been a dream. I have 3 dogs, husband in bed right next to me. I thought no way, could that happen and no one be woke up. But it in fact had happened and now I am hiding two ordeals from my husband. The guy and his girlfriend were always fighting, and he ended up going to his parent’s house. My husband and I are on the brink of done our self at this time. My parents were also out of town and it was my responsibility to care for their plants, trucks, house, and mail. I had not gone down there at all since they had left and it had been a couple if weeks, I needed to go stay a night a take care of things (it is 2 hours away). My husband and I got into a fight, he didn’t want me to go, but I need to, and wanted to get away from him anyways. I hadn’t talked to the other guy; I didn’t tell him I was going anywhere. *Here is where my husband thinks it all started* on my way to my parents, he calls. It was strange because he didn’t call when my husband was off and at home. I answer, and he is so happy I am coming; I didn’t even say I was going to see him. He invites me to a 4th of July BBQ. I agree to check my parents house and stop by later. Well to make a long story short, 1 bottle of Patron Silver and couple bottles tequila rose we are in his brothers spar room and it is on!!! We wake up together as my cell phone is ringing; my husband is calling, instant anxiety! What the hell am I DOING? I HAVE NO CHOICE; HE IS CALLING AND WON’T STOP! I have to answer the phone naked, in bed with his friend/co-worker, I answer; I tell my husband where I am and what I have just done! He is devastated!!!!! He is begging me to come home???? I can’t; I’ve just had sex with his friend! I am hung over and sick. I tell him we need to get a divorce, that I have just destroyed our marriage. A few days pass, I am with the other guy. Testing a relationship, I guess. I feel bad, I can’t think, my poor husband, what have I done. The guy can’t take care of me. Neither one of us has a job down there. And going home, he back to his job wouldn’t work if he was with me. We both felt bad. And for many reasons I am going home, to my husband. The other guy is nice about it, but pissed at me. Here is an opportunity for us to be together and I am going home. Don’t I care about him? I did, and still do. I knew that he and I would never work no matter how hard we tried, and did I even want too? I know that he and I would never have had a good relationship, Karma baby! I owe my husband the option of making this work. The drive back home 2 hours of both my husband and lover calling, crying, everyone here is hurting, and it was my entire fault.It’s been 1 ½ years since that happened, any time I would get weak and call the other guy, he hung up on me. He is either over it, or still pissed that I went home. He told me that if I left he was going back to his girlfriend and get married, and he did. I’ve seen him a couple times but never alone, so we haven’t even had a chance to chat, since that day I drove home. However he has ran in to my friends and told them that he misses me and will always love me. So I am not sure how he feels.My husband and I have our ups and downs, we don’t have sex, and we hardly ever did before anyway. He is not an intimate man; he is very much a prude when it comes to interment relations. But we have always has a great friendship. We talk about everything but the affair, once in a while it comes up. Currently we are over the shock of the affair, but the trust and affection is in the distance. He provides for me and my son. He is an awesome provider. We have a real friendship, and I am grateful to have anything at all. I’m not done punishing myself for the ordeal. I still feel that I owe my husband time to heal and the opportunity to rekindle our passion for each other. I tell him when I feel neglected, he try’s to comfort me, but is still having a hard time his-self. In the mean time; I take care of myself, by myself, if you know what I mean. There are no other men in my life. If you can’t endure the pain, then you need to let go. But if your willing to work it out, it takes time, long time! Best wishes!Mod Note: If you got this far, well done!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): Hi there, i have just found out yesterday that my wife has had a brief affair. This guy is someone that she works with, I know the affair hasn't been going on for long as she has only worked there a few months. She claims they had sex around 10 times. My point is that affairs are evil. I have felt ill for weeks as I had a feeling there was something going on, but couldn't prove it. I eventually uncovered the truth yesterday, that she had a secret phone, and when I applied pressure she admitted about this guy. He is also married with two kids. How can you live with yourself knowing you have a husband at home and are sleeping with someone else? For 6 Months? I find this astonishing, you should have told him the truth a while back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): Hi,
just read your letter.I had an affair of sorts,i left my hubby of 12 years for a man i had only known 3 months, i was so in love absolutly bessotted by this man,lost my friends, family,and with all the rows etc i moved out to be with him and my four chilf=dren stayed with their dad,(not my choice more to it very complicated) at this point i was so happy but so misrable.I missed my kids,even my husband to a degree but i loved this manso much.we kept argueing i thought everything would be ok once we had a place together,i was torn felt like two different people.It took its toll and we argued, my ex husband still had feelings for me and one night after a night on the town we ended up in bed together,i was a mess ileft my partner that night and went back home to my kids and husband,things didnt get better they got worse the pain of leaving my partner was unbearable,i missed him so much, i ended up sleeping with him a couple of times after i had left which just amde it all worse I had a husband who loved me and wanted to put it all behind us,start again but i just couldnt let my partner go, i wanted him back so much,well things went from bad to worse he didnt want me any more,it was over i cried and cried,i have ended up on anti depressents,signed off work for 3 months.My husband has been a rock, at first i was with him because of the pain,i have always loved him, hust not that way for a while, i wont say to you it will all get better over night because it doesnt,there are constant reminders for both me and him in different ways,smells, music etc.its been 2 years since we broke up, and all this started i have now been home for 7 months and things are good, it still feels weird at times,but im with a man who knows everything about me and still loves me more than anything,you havr to do what you think is best,what i will say is when you have had a bite of that apple its very hard to go back to what you had before,you have to make a choice is that what you want, you only have one life, yes theres pain but thats part of living and learning.if you truley want your marriage to work you have to forget this other guy completely no contact at all how ever hard that is, the effort you have put into this guy you have to put into your relationship with your husband.I really hope you find happiness again, it is there to be taken you just have to know which path to choose, and deep down you know what that is its just having the courage to act on it.good luck, hope this helped a little?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2007): Tell him about it. My husband had an affair and when I thought I was going to lose him I got a new perspective on what I wanted. If you tell him it will either make or break your relationship. You deserve to be treated well and so does he you just have to work out can you both be the ones who treat each other well!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): you should have thought about you husband before you started an affair you should be ashamed of yourself. your husband is probally making no effort as he can sence something isnt right, come clean and hope your hubby will forgive you if he wont you oinly have yourself to blame.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2005): Tell him about your affair. Things aren't great between you and your hubby because you were probably giving more attention to your lover than him. Your hubby has probably given up on you cause you were showing no interest in him.Come clean and tell him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2005): Talk to him, don't tell him about your affair, but find out if he wants this marriage to work. Then make your decision about what you want out of your life - stuck in a loveless marriage or free to meet someone else.
...............................
|
