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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, I need some help and advice.I have to decide between two men and I just dont know what to do. One is my ex. He makes my heart beat faster and when he touches me its like electric shocks go through me, ive never felt this with anyone else before. We were only seeing each other 3 months but I really fell for him, he also said he was falling for me. But he broke up with me because his ex came back and he thought they were getting back together. This hurt me a lot, but he has since explained and apologised many times. He got back in contact with me 6 weeks ago after 2 months no contact. He has since tried really hard to make up, regularly contacting me and has taken me out a few times, the last time we ended up in bed again. We get along so well, and it is so easy being with him and he makes me want to be the best I can be. I asked what he wanted from me, but he doesnt know. He says hes not good boyfriend material, as he has so many other things going on and isnt good at compromising, but does like seeing me and enjoys my company. I know i would fall for him again in an instant, but am very scared of hurting again, he was the first person I have felt this way about. When we went out before he was also very busy but we managed to find an evening a week for us, and if he knew he wasnt going to see me at the weekend he would not go training one evening to see me, so i know he can compromise if he wants to. The other guy I have only been on 5 dates with, 3 were great, 2 were ok. This guy seems to be really nice, i think hes interesting and funny and i think i fancy him, but theres not the huge spark there. He is very keen on me, and has asked whether I want to be boyfriend/girlfriend yet and is doing everything right. He says he wants to be around for the duration and isnt interested in just a fling with me. So who do i choose? The guy who makes my heart melt, but has the potential to hurt me again or the guy who i dont really know yet. I dont know if i can risk not trying again with the ex, theres just something about him thats special. I feel he is the right guy, but i think the timing is wrong. I know i need to make a decision as I dont want to hurt guy 2, or throw away something that could be great. Or do i just go back to being single - it seems to be much easier.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): im having the same problem.number one broke my heart but i was in love with him,and im with a great guy right now,its early but i want to see where it goes,number one just confessed his love for me,and i want to go back to him,but at the same time,ive waited for him,he can wait for me now,#2 gets a chance,besides,number one already had his chance and he through you to the side like nothin,you need to make sure he is ready,and positive,or he'll hurt you again.number two is here now,and he is willing and able,see what hes about,maybe you having something better and you'll forget all about number one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2006): well honestly, i think no matter what anyone says on here, you're probably going to go back to the first guy. because even when all rationality tells you that he'll probably hurt you again, and that you shouldn't do it, when your so drawn to somebody, you can't really control it. but if it were up to me, i'd say go for guy number two. give him a shot. the first guy had his shot, turned it down, and still seems like he's unworthy his second time around. but this other guy seems genuinely interested in you and likes/respects you. and for some unknown reason, we always turn away from the one's that are best for us. but i think if you give him a chance, eventually you'll realize how great he is to you and you'll start to have more feelings for him. i'd go with the second guy.
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A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (27 August 2006):
 I would go on with both for a time, no bed involved and try to find out which one could do as a good boyfriend, that means trustable, loving and of course sexygood luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2006): Ok, boyfriend #1 has already given you the answer to your question. He told you he is not good boyfriend material. In my experience, when a significant other tells you something like that then your ears should perk up and your hair stand on end. He left you once for an ex. Does that not tell you what his character is all about? It does not matter that he comes crawling back. Generally, abusers are like that. They hurt you and break your heart, but then come around again with their charm and apologies/promises/etc (with that something "special" about them) while hoping they can squirm their way back into your good graces. Anyhow, I would say if you are hell bent and determined to feel these sparks (which are only physiological responses to begin with and are in no way indicative of anything deeply emotional or spiritual), then take it very slowly, please. They say it takes 3 years to rebuild trust after a betrayal....it does not happen over night, that is to say.
I'd say give guy #2 a chance. Maybe he'll turn out to be a slug too but you don't know that at this point. I mean, you already know #1 is a slug so why go back there?
Where is the forgiveness aspect of my response? You can certainly forgive #1...I just wouldn't recommended jumping back into the sparks. He's already shown you once how much of a priority you are to him and that apparently he wasn't feeling as sparky as you were (one-sided?). He went back to where the sparks really are for him.
Anyway, good luck to you.
K**
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2006): Hey sweetie,
I would go for the 2nd man, the reason i didnt choose the ex is beacuse he is your ex he broke your heart as soon as he thought his ex was coming back and if that happens again it will break your heart even more, and thought he apologised many times its just a word he said he may not have meant it. He might just not want to be single and its obvious he likes women. but you cannot forget what he has done to you and what he could do to you in the future while guy #2 seems sweet. and it could lead to a long, strong relationship so i suggest try it with guy#2 and see what happens if your feelings for your ex get in the way then you know what to do.
Hope everything works out for you hun.
xoxo
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (27 August 2006):
 Don't get me wrong, being single is most definitely much easier! But it doesn't always make us happy, as the easy way out is not always the right way.
It sounds to me like your ex is the guy you really want. Very few people will ever feel about anyone the way you have described feeling about this guy and you are very lucky. However, I can understand you being scared to go there again, after he hurt you before. You have to ask yourself if it's worth the risk. If you try and it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried. If you don't, I think you'll spend forever wondering 'what if'.
It sounds to me like he's not where you are right now, though. He went off with someone else and doesn't seem to want a relationship right now so be careful not to be taken advantage of. This is always a good line from guys who want the best of both worlds: single life sometimes and a girl who's mad about him to fall back on when he has no one else.
As for the new guy, he sounds great but if there's no spark there then maybe he's not the one. There are so many nice guys out there who we may find attractive but who never become more than friends to us because that's just the way it is.
I say talk to your ex. Tell him what you want and, if he doesn't want the same, don't keep hanging around wasting time. Tell him he knows where you are when he's ready to commit and be happy with you but, if you've moved on before then, that's a risk he must take. You can't hang around forever wondering whether he will change his mind and everything will be fine, as you could be letting good guys walk in and out of your life all the time.
I hope this has helped, I really feel for you. It's awful, feeling so much for someone but deep down knowing that it can't work unless they feel the same way you do. Talk to this guy and make a decision, life is too short to waste on people who don't know what they want. Good luck.
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