A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am 37 year old female with 2 children, 9 and 2. I found out 8 months ago that my husband John whom I have known for 14 years had an affair whilst on a course. I immediately kicked him out. He said he loved me but was not in love with me and did not mean for this to happen. 6 weeks later I met a new guy who I have been seeing 5 months. He is nice but I still have strong feelings for my ex even after all that he has done. We do talk because of the kids and the girl he was seeing dumped him. He just says he messed up both our lives and I don't know what he went through. My head is so mixed up. Any advise.
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male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (27 May 2007):
 You have known someone for 14 years, that in itself is going to take a long tim to recover from. Maybe more than the time you have given it. The feelings you still have for your ex are still fresh even after 8 months, never under estimate your feelings and try to ignore them even if you think you have found someone else.
You sound like you need more time to heal yourself after what he put you through which must of been terrible. Emotions and past feelings have a habit of rearing their head when you dont expect them or when you belive you are over them, face these feelings head on and ask yourself truthful questions.
He cheated on you which is inexcusable and you/anyone is worth more than that. You may still feel love/something for your ex so ask yourself if you still feel for him what are you going to do about it. Are you going to try and reconcile your relationship with your ex? Or do you want to move forward with someone else?
Until you face this your feelings will return again and you have to be sure in what you now want from life and be determined in the choice that you make 100%.
I cant tell you what to do and what is the right thing to do. I dont know your ex and i dont know your potential friend either, but you do. You know what is possible within yourself and what they are capable of.
Your ex has managed to ruin the trust which you may of had and that is a hard bridge to re-build again, not impossible but you have to be sure in yourself that you can do it and you want to do it, and also that he can be trusted. Again only you can know this, no-one else does.
Take the time to think about this without any other distractions not your ex and not your new friend around so that you can think with a clear head without your emotions being thrown to pillar to post.
R
A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (25 May 2007):
Only piece of advice that I can offer is to put your children first. Their needs must be your top priority, and in the case of your oldest child, they need to understand that what is going on is not their fault.
You must also comport yourself in a manner befitting a woman with children. Limit the contact between any men that you date and your children. Uncertainty and instability are hard on children of any age.
As for your ex-husband, he screwed up and he's not particularly repentant according to your brief description of his defense. He appears to be narcissistic, and I doubt this is his first affair, merely the fist time he'd gotten caught.
Now, I've known people who've made their marriages work, even after similar situations. I even have one aunt who helps out my uncle's extra-marital children from all of his affairs over the years, and I'm not sure if he even knows that she's buying them uniforms, food, etc., since most of the women were from poor families. But if you go that route, you'll be sacrificing a lot for your family.
I guess, then, I don't have advice so much as I am just pointing out that the choice here is yours and both choices have merits and sacrifices. But you can't go wrong by putting your children first.
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