A
male
age
51-59,
*oad in th edungeon
writes:I suffer from Retrospective Jealousy, I'd love to hear from anyone that has a similar condition that has "come to terms with it??"Rather than tell a story here are some points that hit the mark for meMy partner and I lack of balance or comparable experiences.- Is there anyone out there who still has RJ and has been for want of a better word "promiscuous" in there past or, is it limited to people who lack variation in sexual partnersI feel the need to secure some special place in my lovers life, and I connect this with sex somehowI fear that its just a big game of self-gratification and objectificationI feel as though her sexual past has been a survival topic, giving me a fight/flight response.This is different for men and women - if you focus on establishing the emotional intimacy, you will see the RJ fade over time.Not yet intact it gets worse over timeRJ is damaging what I love and attacks the intimacy in the relationshipIts definitely consistent with obsessive compulsive disorder in that I always go there. Although I don't ask questions, don't dig into the past.Interesting how there is a common assumption that the incompatibility is due to the number of past partners. Does this then imply that in order to have a loving relationship with out being oversensitive to past rumination I’m limited to loving someone with comparable experiences?Does it also mean the more people you ***k the less impact jealousy has because of greater experience in variation and ultimately greater affinity to one you finally end up with?I think there is a hint of truth in this, I’m no angel and certainly not a virgin.The compulsion to reminisce about the past is a constant battle. Men feel threatened by past sexual pyhisical experiences rather than the emotional closeness - the comparison here is that shes had something more fantastic than I can provide = insecurity. Even if she says no, there is a overwhelming need to be the first, to be find a unique intimacy.I often wonder if it stems from envy of her past. Envy occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it, do I need to destroy this relationship just to for fill my perceived desire to sow my wild oats, live a a wild life?, is the grass greener?, can I find a better match?“Is RJ is a sign that maybe they haven't let go of that past and we kind of deep down know it”. Am I the last resort?, the only one left who is willing to have then after so many didn't?.I agree it is dumb needless pain, but it happens and is real.My experience with professional help has been mixed. The problem I feel is that this problem has many arms to it that can't be covered and unfortunately I too am hyper sensitive.She doesn't suffer from this at all in fact I think shes proud of sexual exploits and a wild past,women, it is said can have as many men as they choose they just have to set the bar accordingly - men don't run the risk of getting pregnant, or have that corresponding nurturing emotion, males in nature are preprogrammed to spread there genes.All this begs the question who is “best” suited to people like me? the nagging conclusion is no-one until I can come to terms with this disorder.
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reader, Pyroshadow  +, writes (19 November 2010):
"if you fall down a cliff, roll off a ravine and down a treacherous waterfall, but stumble into a beautiful valley full of lush vegetation, beautiful scenery, and family and friends that love you, then why waste time and energy cursing the trip that brought you to paradise?"
That is true for the girl.
Why should she care about her past and look back on the awful things.
But to the poster, you look at the cuts and bruise and wonder if this person is okay. If you can deal with any trauma they might have had because of that fall.
A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (19 November 2010):
Hey Friend,
I would love to share with you. please message me.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Its just a question of perspective.
There's a young girl, say 23, who I've had a thing going on with for the last 3 or 4 months. I know that she has had, shall we say a "difficult" past, and so the other day I asked her how many men she had had sex with and the answer was "not more than a 100" . Now, my own number would be closer to double that but I'm 40 and she's 23 - and nearly 100 by 23 is pretty rapid pace. I could have reacted with horror, dismay, disgust but in all honesty the thought that went through my head is "after all those guys she's chasing me round and pestering me for sex? Damn I must be even better than I thought!".
Now, of course, it is a different situation when one is thinking of your life partner instead of a casual fling but in many ways the same logic applies. Your lover is clearly quite a sexual person, someone to whom sex is important. She's had plenty of experience, plenty of options and YET she seems to be planning on settling down with you as the most important man in her entire life. That must mean that you are doing a good job.
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