A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having problems coping with my girlfriend's past. We've been dating for a month and I really want it to last but every once in a while it comes up and haunts me a little bit. She was my first everything. I first found out when I asked her how many guys she has slept with. She was ashamed to say around 30 but she didn't have an exact answer. This didn't bother me. What really bothered me was when we were visiting some of her old friends and we got seperated. A guy I just met, didn't know his name, was talking and basically pointed out two other guys and said him and them gangbanged her and that shes been around the block. We talked about it later and she said she didn't remember it but said it could have happened but she had no memory of it. I'm guessing an influence of drugs or alcohol or something. This happened a couple of days ago so and I want help to get over this. I really want this relationship to last but it plagues me occasionally. I'm coping slightly but last time we talked about it, it hurt her a lot. I want to at least think about it some more before I bring it up again.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 November 2009):
 In the future, never ask a woman you are in a serious relationship with how many partners she's had. No matter what she tells you, you won't like the answer.Secondly, understand that her sexual past may reflect some past abuse or self-esteem issues. Don't be too quick to judge her as "damaged goods" until you understand the reason behind her past experiences (not that she owes you an explanation).
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 November 2009):
 You're in a difficult situation. For your backgrounds to be so different is not going to be easy for you to get past, probably.
You being a virgin before her.
Her having had sex with 'at least 30'. Given she can't even remember a gangbang with 3 guys, things could be much worse than that.
It's unlikely she can't remember stuff like that because of drugs and alchohol. More likely she's trying to forget it.
I have a few suggestions:
- Your girlfriend probably wants to forget all about this stuff. I suggest that you tell her it's best not to discuss it any more. Then the two of you just don't talk about what she did in the past.
- It's ok for you to talk about how you are feeling now, but don't make it her fault. And resist the urge to dig into more details about what she did. It's only going to upset her, and upset you. Knowing serves no benefit to either of you. Plus she probably can't remember many details, so you'll get different stories each time, which will be very hard for you to accept.
- Decide whether you can deal with this, and soon. If you think you can, and want to, then you need to put the whole thing out of your mind. Focus on the good things together, and know that you're certainly the best thing to have happened to her. But if you don't think you want to stay, break up with compassion and don't rub her past in her face. She'll be feeling bad enough about it already without it becoming the reason to lose you too.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): Welcome to dealing with modern women. Part of the game is being psychologically raped by thoughts of her past as long as you're with her.
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A
female
reader, ln88  +, writes (10 November 2009):
 well the first thing that comes to mind is how long ago did these things she used to do happen?? i can understand why you think about it alot but i really feel torn...one side of me thinks u should accept that it was the past and she's a changed person who regrets mistakes that were made a long time ago but then if i was u i wouldn't be able to put it behind me and i know id probably think about it all the time no matter how hard i tried....basically i think u should consider how much she means to u. if she's worth it u will forget the past and concentrate on ur future and never mention it again....this is totally dependant on ur feelings!!
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