A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I need some help, please. I've been with my gf about a year and a half. We have always been that lovey dovey, sickening couple that was always stuck in the honeymoon phase. But lately it's feeling like I suddenly can't do anything right and it's killing me. I have started to feel like I'm losing her and I have no idea how to stop it. It just seems like everything I do is wrong and I feel like I'm constantly annoying her. Or like I just can't seem to make her happy, no matter how hard I try. Last night, she wasn't feeling well so I got off work around 1 am and went and got her some food. I cooked it for her and we sat up eating and talking. it was awesome. I went home and all was still great. She calls me this afternoon and we are talking and laughing and all of a sudden I bring up work and begin talking about it and she sarcastically says "yeah like I've never heard that before." I ask what that means and she said she doesn't want to be the old boring couple who just talks about the same things over and over. I was like, "okay, I'm sorry if I've bored you." She then went on to say that I don't bore her but I talk about work all the time and she knows how I feel, etc. That she loves me and she knows she does it, too, but she just wants to not fall into boring habits. She also said she wants to work on being more positive and that hearing me talk about school and work doesn't encourage her to be more positive. I know I'm not a negative person. I just feel like she's nit picking me. It makes me feel like I suddenly have to sensor myself and who I am. Like I can't just have normally flowing conversation.This isn't the first time she's been snappy with me. This has been common recently. I always felt like her favorite person in the world but now I just feel like a nuisance who can't do anything right. And when I try to communicate that to her, it just seems to make things worse.I have no clue where to go from here. I don't want to lose her but I feel like I am. And I don't like how our relationship is making me feel anymore. I don't know what to do. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (4 March 2014):
 Pardon the pun, but it sounds like the honeymoon is over, LOL. It doesn't mean that what comes next has to be boring, but you will both settle into a more comfortable phase. It's really lovely of you to be so thoughtful, but you shouldn't have to jump through hoops for her, striving to be or do something that you think she wants. It's not fair on you or the relationship. Perhaps start by asking what she wants to talk about, seeing as she finds your topics so mundane. As for her moods, is she tired, stressed, going through PMS, feeling left behind in regards to career, education opportunities, etc? Maybe allowing for some of those topics in conversation might see you a little more enlightened in regards to what she expects.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 March 2014):
What are her suggestions for helping the relationship?
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 March 2014):
 I remember reading once that during the honeymoon period two people interact not with each other, but with each other's ambassadors (if you will). What was meant by that is that during the honeymoon phase in a new relationship, both parties are putting forward their very best side because they want to impress the other person. Neither person wants the other to form a bad impression of them.
My parents, by their own statements, both seem to have done this, and they ended up in a very incompatible marriage because they married before the honeymoon period had ended and the true selves came out.
The problem with bending over backward to make a perfect early impression is that interacting with someone's "ambassador" rather than the real person can be misleading for their partner and truly exhausting for the person doing the acting. Your partner was never the person you have thought she was; she put that face on for you, and after doing it for a year and a half it's getting very difficult for her to keep up the act, so now it shows. She actually can get snappy, she actually is picky, and she actually is capable of being totally dismissive of the things you'd like to talk to her about.
Are any of these things deal-breakers? Not necessarily - nor, even, is the fact she concealed them, as putting one's best foot forward is something almost everyone in a new relationship tries to do.
What *does* concern me about your post is the part where you say "I don't like how our relationship is making me feel anymore." In my opinion, when someone is in a relationship that makes them feel more negative than positive AND that feeling is ongoing (i.e., not a one-time fight) it's time to seriously consider whether staying in the relationship is truly the best and healthiest choice.
For what it's worth, she's being very unrealistic and more than a little selfish if she expects to be in a relationship with anyone and never be told about the things that are bothering her partner or stressing her partner out, just because they aren't "positive" things. Everyone needs emotional support at some point in their lives and if we can't reach out to our partners for understanding, then who? There is almost nothing worse in the world than being in a relationship and still feeling alone.
I would encourage you to take a step back and consider whether you would want this relationship in the long term if the personality your partner is showing you now reflects her true self.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Excuse the lack of account to which this answer is presented under. Long story short, I frequently lurk this website and I am yet to make a decision on formal participation into answering user questions.And for the record I think that it is fair that you know that I am male and I am 20 years old. Now on to answering your concern:My immediate thoughts are, I can see where your girlfriend is coming from. It appears that you talk about work often. And as you've also mentioned, school too? Now let me ask you an honest question for you to think about; whenever you bring up the subject of work and/or school to your girlfriend, is it usually about a pleasant experience or another wonderful day that you've just had? The idea here is that your girlfriend has left clues how you have decided communicate your current life at work and school when she says she wants to talk about "positive" stuff.A similar example may be someone who constantly updates you on their latest story on their step-father, which turns out always is about arguing over a disagreement with their step-father. Naturally you would associate any story of that person's step-father to *always* be about a disagreement. Which consequently makes you have a judgement on what things are present which would make that person have another argument with their step-father. And if you were very analytical you would be able to predict certain aspects in a future story weeks before it actually became reality.Interestingly, the person who may rant about their step-father may not even see it as a rant or be aware whenever they mention their step-father it has always been about a disagreement resulting in an argument. And quite possibly, they may not really hate their step-father all too much. But how could one tell if the only source is the rants presented to them constantly? The points from the example in relation to you being firstly, you may constantly speak about your life at school, at work, etc and it generally is a given as to why you bring it up in the first place. E.g you feel exhausted, you hate it, not happy. Secondly, you may not be aware of it when others are. Thirdly, you may have other feelings which are different but not commonly expressed and may not be aware that you don't express them. I think your girlfriend is very familiar with your experiences, I say this based on when you say she said "yeah like I haven't heard that before" when you were having your conversation with her about work. She definitely does not mean any harm to tell you so, but it appears that whenever you ever want to bring up that subject, it really isn't about anything she deems as positive. Mind you, not saying it is boring or not worthhile but it is something all too familiar, reoccurring and expected. I find it a little on the harsh side to deem it a boring habit, but once again I think I know where she is coming from. I wouldn't say she wants to censor you from it, but she definitely realises that you are stuck and somewhat dependant on that subject matter which you only have her to bear it with. And to her that is not where your focus for communication should be.My feelings on this is that, for you, this may come as a little on the "controlling" side of things. Simply put your girlfriend may seem to lack an understanding as to why you bring this up in the first place. I mean honestly, why would you bring it up if it was "just another day at work"? Also you may not be telling her the *really* tough parts you struggle with, yet she thinks what you have to say is enough up in her ears? And most importantly what does she know about your daily situation to tell you it is something to keep to yourself? Honestly for you to feel as if you may be able to have somebody to at least talk to, ears of somebody so dear to you to have you feel you truly are not alone to be the very same person to deprive you from that very same privilege - is not an easy pill to swallow.But I want to assure you, those thoughts are the very same thoughts of selfishness. You shouldn't be concerned about being censored at all. The effect your girlfriend is looking for is happiness. In a way it's naïve but your girlfriend's words to you seem to be a desperate attempt to rid the vicious cycle you constantly present that doesn't apply to providing happiness. To be frank it doesn't provide any scent of happiness nor does it lead to it either, yet you want to bring it up regularly. This is exactly what your girlfriend is concerned about and she wants it to not become the boring habit she foresees in the future.Now that you know essentially she wants happiness, I suggest you wise up to her desire. Obviously life isn't no work and all play, so just take her desire with your added judgement of realism to it. I'm sure you don't need much advise to achieve that because you know your girlfriend better than I do and better than anyone else on this website. My only advice would be just be careful with the possible perception your girlfriend may have of how she takes you and her relationship. She may soon or already does see her relationship as a catalyst for her *main* source of *her* happiness and in effect seeing it as an escapism from life and the outside world. As long as you and her can keep the necessary balance between independent responsibility and fulfilling each other's desires in a relationship afloat then you both should be just fine.I wish you the best.
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