A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Been married almost 12 years, but for various reasons (health, baby) stopped having sex with my husband for many years. I didn't realize how frustrated I was until I recently had sex with another man, which opened the universe for me. It wasn't at all planned, and it happened so naturally, so fluidly, so suddenly, that I was shocked at how easy it was. Most of all I was shocked at how little I was bothered by questions of morality (am I a monster?). The problem is that I am now obsessed with this other man. Besides being a virtuoso in bed (stamina, gives great head, knows how to make it last and last) and a total sweetheart, he is 20 years my senior, and very wise and self-disciplined. He has decided that unless I can get my husband to agree to having an open marriage (the only solution I can see for the incompatibility problem besides divorce, which I don't think is necessary for a number of reasons) he doesn't want to have sex any more. He does kiss me every time we see each other, long passionate kisses that make my knees go weak and get me wet between the legs, leaving me aching for more. I don't think this is better, but I don't know what to do. Isn't kissing him like that just as bad as having sex, ethically? not to mention the emotional roller-coaster I am riding.I am trying to talk to my husband, have told him I need more activity in bed, but he seems singularly uninterested (very absorbed in his work). We get along quite well, and I do love him, and appreciate many things about him and our life together, but I fear we are sexually incompatible: I would be happiest having sex 2 or 3 times a week for an hour or two, whereas he seems to be content having it at most once every few months, for 15 minutes, maybe. For many years we didn't have sex at all, maybe once a year? It does relax him, which makes life easier, as he tends to be high-strung and nervous. I am always the one to take the initiative, but even when I do succeed in getting him to do something sexual, it is very unsatisfying for me. Thank goodness for vibrators -- I often end up giving myself an orgasm after he has fallen asleep after intercourse, or on my own when I am just too horny. I do blow him, as it is almost the only way to get him to have sex with me, and I enjoy it, too, but then we have intercourse, he comes without paying much attention to what's going on with me, and then goes to sleep. I feel like a tool for masturbation. I can't remember the last time he gave me head, except that he wasn't very good. He's a rather terrible kisser. I have started being more explicit about what I like and don't like, but improvement is slow.I have always considered myself a very honest person, but I realize that I am not being true to myself to deny my physical needs, but I am also being dishonest hiding the existence of this other man from my husband. I am working up courage to tell him about my affair, hoping he won't ask for a divorce, because I don't want a divorce -- I do love many many aspects of him and our shared life, and I do not want to inflict a divorce on our son. I do like this other man and care about him a lot, but am not in love with him, and don't think I would marry him even if circumstances were different. What I really want is to maintain a sexual friendship with him, if he is satisfied with that. So I am asking several things: does anyone have tips about:- how to educate a husband who is a lousy lover tactfully? - any advice about how to break the news gently to my husband that I've had (hot, wild, incredible) sex with someone else? (Should I tell him at all? but now that I've betrayed him, I don't want to continue living this lie.)- how to suggest opening our marriage? - and what to do with this other man: should I say goodbye and refuse to see him, though the thought feels like stabbing myself? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have an update, after a year and a half, but I've written it in a new thread, "Does chemistry ever go away?" Thank you all for your feedback, useful even now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, it's me again.
So I think what I need to do is go slowly. My project this week is to speak frankly with my husband about our sexuality and compatibility, perhaps following the last responder and seeking the help of a professional counsellor, if it seems necessary.
I don't think I want to tell him just yet about my affair. My husband trusts me implicitly, as I do him -- he even leaves me alone for days on end while he is away on business. (If my lover weren't so pathologically decent, it would be so easy to have sex all the time.) I think Nastasia is right, that it would devastate him perhaps unnecessarily to tell him that I have betrayed him, as it was limited to a brief period that was put to a jarring halt. The sexual component of my interaction with my physical therapist must stay on hold -- as it is at the moment, except for the torment of those melting kisses; he has said as much, and I think it is probably best in this phase. In the meantime I want to improve things at home as much as they can be improved through open communication.
However, I don't know how long I can last like this. I don't think that now that it is awakened, my desire for sexual fulfillment is going to disappear. I suppose I can hope my lover will agree to a sort of friendship-with-benefits arrangement, the very discreet lover Nastasia suggests, closely monitored to make sure neither of us is getting their heart broken. But he himself was betrayed by his ex-wife, which is why she became ex, and says he would never do that to another person, having been on the receiving end. I considered seeking another lover who doesn't feel like a shit having an affair with a married woman, but the thought is unappealing -- I am curiously faithful in my infidelity. An experiment with a woman might be interesting, but adding another person into the mix? Too messy! Even more improbably, if my husband understands how much this lack of sex is bothering me, he could suggest himself that I take my needs elsewhere, but he'd have to be unimaginably generous.
I would love to keep my marriage as is, as Nastasia suggests, and not say anything, but my inclination is to confess my affair to my husband, because I do not like hiding things. I do not know when to do this, or whether to do it at all. I imagine that the longer an affair has been going on the worse it is when it comes into the light. Of course I would not go into details about how good the sex was, or criticize my husband's lovemaking (thanks for the words of caution, though if anything I err on the side of being too gentle, and thus not communicating the urgency of my problems). I would only like him to know that the episode happened, and that I take it as a clear signal that we need to work on our marriage -- that I am talking to him for exactly that reason. I do not want a divorce, particularly because of the destruction it would mean for our child.
So.
- I can neither confess nor take a lover, hiding my affair, and work on my husband: explain again how disastrous this situation of poor or no sex is for me. Explain that I really would like to come too every so often, and probably can do so if he helps me get off first, or if we bring in the power tools. I wouldn't say anything about what has happened, and I keep my lover on hold. Maybe things will be a little more satisfying in the bedroom, I don't raise suspicions, and view the affair as an episode in the past to be ignored. But I will still have sexual frustration and a guilty conscience, as well as potential divorce if my husband finds out.
And how long can we stay on hold? If I continue working with this man, the only thing keeping us from fucking each other silly every time we see each other is his iron will, and my respect for that. Or I stop working with him, and seek another therapist, try to forget him. But that would also mean the end of the work I have been doing for him, which he says he values greatly. I think I forgot to say we've been doing exchanges, bodywork for the healing work I do - which is not (usually) about sex.
- I can add to the last scenario discreetly re-introducing my lover while working on my home life. If I keep my lover a secret, I will have sexual fulfillment but potential divorce if it is discovered, as well as the strain of having to be dishonest for a prolonged period of time;
- Having first worked on my husband and our sex life as in the first option, and finding myself still dissatisfied, I can ask openly to have a lover. I don't know if I have to talk about the past -- perhaps if the present is in the open the past can stay past. If my husband agrees, I will have both good sex and my conscience at rest; if he doesn't, turmoil at home if not divorce. This is the option I like best, but I have no idea if it will work.
Am I missing anything? does what I write in the last post change any of this?
Thanks so much for your help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers -- it's such a relief to be able to have feedback about this with someone.
I wanted to add some background: part of the reason that my husband and I stopped having sex for so long is that I was suffering from a physical condition that made touch often disagreeable, and to avoid doing something that felt unpleasant to me my husband stopped making advances at all. I am sorry about this, as it must have been painful for him not to have the passionate wife he had married available to him. Paradoxically, his not being a very sexual person has been an advantage in these circumstances, as (unless he has been doing things on the side that I don't know about) it probably helped him through the years of hardly any sex. Happily, my health is now improved enough to enjoy sex again, but although I assure my husband that he is not bothering me when he touches me (well, he is, because he is so clumsy, but I prefer clumsy to nothing -- if I didn't have terms of comparison, so to speak, it would be easier), he is still a bit unbelieving. This has changed quite recently and suddenly, over the past few months, so his confusion is quite understandable. (To answer the last responder, I don't think the problem is latent homosexuality, just that he is very intellectual and just not a very physical person. I think he does have some slight tendency toward homosexuality, but I am the one who is more likely to be a swing-hitter.)
The trigger for the change, of course, was the encounter with the other man. No, that's not entirely true -- my health has been improving gradually, and with it my energy - and libido. The other man had been doing body-work with me, helping me get in touch with my physical self, very healing -- until suddenly there we were in each other's arms, and pants. How much my libido had grown I did not realize until then, and was I quite frankly astonished at my own lust. Part of it is perhaps just biology -- having gotten married in my late 20's, and becoming ill shortly after that, I had never experienced my own sexuality fully until now. So on the one hand I am extremely grateful to this other man for the work he has done for my physical body (also my husband notes the improvement -- and he knows that he wouldn't be getting anything from me at all if I hadn't had that body-work done); on the other he has healed the sexual part of me that had lain dormant for all these years, which is creating no end of problems.
Over the summer I found myself unable to think about anything but sex, with almost anyone, men, women, even animals. I did seduce my husband a couple of times, much to his astonishment, and though it felt good, a kind of reconciliation, I was still physically dissatisfied. I felt like a pervert, a nymphomaniac, like I was going crazy. I told my husband about this, and also my lover, remotely (we were away over the summer). My husband didn't seem to understand how serious I was (You fool! I wanted to say to him, it got so bad that I have already betrayed you!); the other man is actually a bit intimidated by what he calls my obsessive sexual nature (I am indeed very Scorpio), which is what caused him to back-pedal. I started taking a homeopathic remedy that helps considerably, takes the edge off my urges, which is how I can continue to do work with him now without embarrassing myself and can be present and relatively functional in my daily life. I don't want to have to stop working with him, but if I can't stop thinking and feeling about him this way I may have to. I suppose I can always find another bodyworker to continue the physical work, though I hope it won't be necessary. (more in the next post)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): Affairs are destructive at multiple levels, hold off anything in that arena for now and don't disclose until you get professional help, particularly since the affair partner is such a wonderful sexual partner. This will just be hurtful.
Open Marriages usually end up the same way. Particularly if children are involved, and beware of the person who uses a relationship to get access to the children.
I'm assuming everything you have said is "spot on" about your spouse and your sexual relationship. So, have you considered talking with him in a frank and open manner, not about the affair at this point, with a counselor present, about his individual sexuality and and your individual sexuality as well as your joint sexuality.
It is possible that he is homosexual and "closeted" or "inactive" but can't figure out how to get out of his relationship and responsibilities, etc.
It is also possible that your spouse was sexually abused and needs therapy.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 I think the other answers are a bit harsh, really. So many people come on here for advice having cheated, and often go on about feeling bad, but I think you have a clear sense of practicalities, rather than being hung up on morality. That doesn't make you a monster to me, but would to some, as it is quite a detached way to go about thing (actually, I think, quite an honest way).
Ok. Well, I agree with others that telling your husband is a harsh option for him. Obviously (to me) the best option would be to be able to maintain what sounds like a comfortable, mutually-supportive marriage (apart from disastrous lack of physical relationship for you), and supplement the bit that is missing.
Question: What would be best for your husband?
Answer: For everything to continue as normal, and for him never to know about any other man, and certainly not ever ever to hear about hot sex which is a million times better than his pathetic efforts (sorry, but that is how you put it across - and for sure he would feel totally crushed, even if it is risky of him to neglect your needs so completely - he feels safe and comfortable at the moment).
For him, no change at all would be the best, and kindest, thing.
It seems too strong a punishment for his complacent neglect of you - to find out that in fact you have gone elsewhere.
I don't think he will change - you can't put in what's not there - so why distress him with either trying to make him change, or, worse still, punishing him so completely for something he can't really help?
No, no, no. In my opinion, he should be left as he is - a husband that you love and respect, and with whom you have a viable life, but just no sex.
Question: What about your need for sex?
Answer: You either have to carry on as you were before the lover, basically looking after your own needs, which is a bit miserable and you only have one life and it is a pity not to be developing your sexuality ... Or you have to find an outlet for it that will not affect your marriage.
Personally I think having an affair is too potentially destructive and undermining (you will end up wanting too much from it, I think, and then leaving your husband anyhow). Some people can do it - usually men, for years - but I'm not sure if you sound like you'd be able to keep that up. You're too honest for that.
Open marriage - nonsense. It would destroy your husband. Forget that option.
OK: if you want to stay with your husband, I think you either have to have a very discreet lover and be ruthlessly disciplined with yourself about your feelings for him, or you have to forget about a lover and give up on sex.
Not great choices when put like that : (
Your current lover needs talking to. Tell him open marriage isn't an option. See what he thinks.
Hmm. To be honest, I think you should give up the lover, and not tell your husband. I think all the other things your husband offers are more important than the sex.
And if the sex is more important, you should probably leave your husband (but even then you STILL don't need to hurt him by telling him about the lover).
But only you can know, and decide. Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 The last option would be to lie to your new lover and tell him you now have an open marriage. But, you risk your lover calling up your husband to test if it is true or not.
I think the action you should take depends on how far down the line this has gone. It is too late to ask for an open marriage. You have already crossed that boundary, and you are having an open marriage for yourself. But telling him directly about your new lover is harsh as well.
I will say though, that no matter how much you sugar coat this, you have cheated, and your husband may very well leave you over it. And he would be justified to do so. I know you say you don't want a divorce, and keep your lover, well you can't always have what you want. No matter how you choose to present the news to your husband, he will most likely dig for answers and the whole truth will be revealed. What you have done is bad news for him, and no sugar coating it will make the news sound any better.
Maybe you should judge what is worse: loosing your lover, or divorcing your husband? Make a choice.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Ok, where to start? Well for one, be prepared for a lot of "aggressive" answers here. Personally, I respect your honesty and candidness to us... but there are many people that are going to feel what you did is wrong... and it is.
First thing is first, you need to talk to your husband. I know you say you understand that what you did is wrong, but I don't know if that's completely true. I think that in your mind your husbands lack of love and intimacy is driving you to look outside your marriage. I also think that you are using that as justification. This is why you don't feel as guilty as you feel you should. The part that you are missing is that your husband isn't consciously trying to hurt you. Does that excuse his behavior? No. But I know you've heard the expression "Two wrongs don't make a right" correct? Your husband may be neglecting your for selfish reasons, but what you did was just as selfish... if not more.
You say you've tried to get him to do more stuff in bed or have sex more, but have you REALLY tried to sit down and talk to him about it? I mean really talk to him? Have you told him how neglected you feel? How you'd like to have sex more often? How you feel like a masturbation tool for him? Occasional comments to him don't cut it here. It sounds to me that you've kept this all from him and in the process have grown to use his actions as fuel to look elsewhere.
Not to jump on the man's side, but what you have done to him is very unfair. You need to talk to him and tell him everything. You say you don't want a divorce, but why? Is it the financial security aspect? A nice house? Fear of starting over? Your marriage is not a marriage. It's a convenient arrangement for you.
So, to answer your questions:
1. Don't use the word "lousy" when you have the conversation. However, I suggest picking up a book on "being honest with your spouse" first because that is something you have neglected to do all of these years. It's time you started.
2. Don't tell him you had "hot, wild, incredible" sex with another man in those exact words. The way you are describing things it's as if you don't even want to try with your husband, you just want this other man.
3. Opening your marriage? How about FIXING your marriage first? Besides, 99 times out of 100 Open Marriages are to benefit one spouse. The other one usually just goes along with it so they don't get divorced. In the end it just ends up tearing them even further apart.
4. Say goodbye to this other man. If you want to keep disrespecting your husband, do so to his face at least. He deserves that much.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 September 2010):
 "How to educate a husband who is a lousy lover tactfully?"Don't just ask, tempt (I'll assume you're in good shape, otherwise, that's the first thing to fix). Same advice I give to guys: foreplay starts when you wake up. Wear some sexy lingerie that he can see in the morning, tell him it's for later that night. Send him an email or text at work, or call just long enough to say something dirty, then hang up. Greet him at the door with a ten-second kiss, then pour drinks for the two of you. Keep him thinking about sex all day.I know that's not practical for every day, but it's a good way to get his body used to gearing up for sex again."Any advice about how to break the news gently to my husband that I've had (hot, wild, incredible) sex with someone else?"Do not, DO NOT refer to it has hot, wild, incredible sex. By as vague as possible. You owe it to yourself and to him to tell him - he deserves to decide if he loves you, not the lie; you deserve better than to reduce yourself to a habitual liar. Break it gently, in private. Say, "I've had an affair." No matter what he asks, keep it vague, own up to it. Say "It was wrong," not, "It was a mistake." Don't pretend it "just happened," you made a conscious decision and he needs to believe you regret it and want to make up for it.He may up and leave you, and I wouldn't blame him. But he deserves to know."How to suggest opening our marriage?"Forget about it. He knows you have a man in mind and will have no desire to give you permission to continue that affair from within marriage."And what to do with this other man: should I say goodbye and refuse to see him, though the thought feels like stabbing myself?"You're being melodramatic. It hurts, it's not the end of the world. After you tell your husband, you have two options. If the marriage ends (either of you end it), leave gracefully, and without taking all his stuff - you're the one who cheated, after all, while he was working his ass off to provide for you and your child. The other is to break off the affair.Beyond just your commitment to your husband, you have a child. Breaking up this marriage over some affair is incredibly harmful to the child and certainly wrong to your husband. I hope it works out for you, and maybe you'll get that open marriage, but the priority should be trying to raise your kid in a stable two-parent home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): The other guy is just a "prop"...work things out with hubby - or not, but at least have the courage to try. It's not really about the ethics and morals, but someday you'll feel guilty and upset, and a few good orgasms aren't worth that. Sort it out with hubby, and if it can't be, then leave him and move on to the next thing with a clear conscience.
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